You can suck it!
2010 left me so emotionally drained, conflicted and just overall, what the fuck?!?
I'm exhausted from dating. I'm exhausted just trying to live my life. I'm over going to the hospital so people can poke and prod me for future experiments.
Bothered that no one knows what's wrong with me but believe me I won't go into hospital grounds unless blood is spurting from my eyes. Here I am attempting several regular visits so I can figure this stuff out. I wish they would hurry up. In theory, I am perfectly healthy but how do you explain my memory lose and muscle weakness??? How will I get through school and finish a program and get the job I hope to have and just live my life???
I need to vent so here it is...the big secret...I was working on getting pregnant this year. In fact, this December I was going to try to get pregnant. I was scared and excited all at once. Completely natural. With my health up in the air, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I also have to admit that with my health being sketchy, I sorta don't care what happens to me. I've always lived with this unknown, void...Doctors didn't think I'd have much of a life passed the age of 21 so I feel I've been very blessed and I've done so much. Until I got sick a few years ago and life just sorta went on pause.
Back to the baby. I accidently met someone. Someone who surprised me and I almost wrote him off. But something made me give him a chance, to get to know him and see what happens. He was the one who wanted to have a baby real soon. We went from waiting until Spring to December. So while he was away visiting family, I was buying a few essential baby pieces. Then, he returned from his holiday vacation.
I cried for three days. He decided he no longer wanted to have a kid. In fact, he is enjoying being single and doesn't even want to see me anymore. I got this part of the speech ; " I do think very highly of you are awesome in a lot of ways and I like knowing you but...." all he can offer me is friendship right now.
What the hell do I need more friends for? I now have a flippin pile of baby stuff I have to look at daily and I don't know what to do with it...or myself.
I need to sleep. I've been in bed for two days thanx to sleeping pills. I'm over having insomnia. My body has no idea what is going on. Neither does my mind.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Forever!!
I stopped writing. Bad, I know. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I just needed space from myself. Even my physical journals are looking pretty bleak lately. My other writing projects as well. I'm stuck. Physically stuck. Like my head is on pause...that and my body is falling apart. Oh, is it that time again? I suppose.
Well, the updates. I've been in school for the last year or so. I decided to look into getting all my medical field pre-reqs. It sounded like an awesome idea. I do regret not going to Mortuary school and I regret not going to Nursing school at 23. bad boyfriends and lack of self-confidence. Besides all that pesky health stuff.
This semester I decided to take a full load. In this field, it's two classes. Two class equal 10.5 units. I am in Anatomy and I'm excited about that. I've wanted to take it for the longest time. oh, it's hard. I mean so insanely difficult I may cry but am extremely excited to be in class. I work on cadaver and touch tissue weekly. I'm fine with all that but the smell is tricky to get used to. Some days it's not so strong. Other days it makes me dizzy and I need to leave the room for air. When will I get used to it?
After the first month I was beginning to feel like I'd taken on too much. Lack of sleep and studying late, the stress...my body wasn't handling it well. But I don't want to quit. I hate not finishing something I start. Plus, there are people in my classes that are taking 3 at a time and I want to be normal, just like them. Not to mention, some of these people have teenagerss. SO why won't my body work with me? it just won't.....
Monday is my MicroBiology 2nd exam. I didn't do well on the first one. yet, I was thrilled with it because I couldn't belive I'd retained the info that I had. It was a mini-accomplishment for me. The 2nd one ...I felt a little lost. Yet, during lecture, I'd feel so jazzed up. "Yea, I can do this!" I enjoy my instructor's lectures.
Here's the thing....throughout September my hands have been getting fumbly, my eye is feel off and the pressure in my head is increasing. My balance is off more than usual. I'm in pain, crying and not sleeping. I haven't worked out in months and I need to because it helps with stress but I'm in a ton of pain.
As I type this, not all my fingers are working properly. It is what it is,folks.
Monday I have lecture at 7:45AM, MicroBio. The room was still. I sat upright in bed. Shot up. The first thought in my mind was,"What is this? what am I wrapped in? I'm covered. What is this?" I kept rubbing it. Finally, in my head the word popped in - sheet. it was my own bedding that caused my confusion. I didn't know where I was. It's hard to explain. I wasn't scared. Maybe I'm just used to the weirdness that is my life. I knew I had to be somewhere but I didn't know where or what day it was and for a moment my room didn't even register with me.
I reached out and touched Lucas, my laptop. I looked at the time. It was 8:30AM. I'd missed most of lecture. Sadface. sigh. Running my fingers over Lucas, I fell back into the Now, myself and knew there was no time to rest. I got up.
I took this morning as a sign. I had to make a big girl decision. I had to drop Micro. It kills me!!! I didn't focus much on Anatomy because I was trying to not cry. I went to Micro and I did the lab. I don't want to leave my group. They are a good bunch. We've bonded.
After class, I spoke with my instructor. I thought it was going to be much easier. I explained to her that my health is flairing up and I woke up that morning not sure where I was so obviously I'd not ready to take a big load yet. I thought I was going to cry a couple of times. I made it through somehow. She gave me permission to drop into lecture and continue lab. I told her I didn't want it all to feel so wasted.
I left and pretty much as soon as I left the building I burst into tears. I cried all the way to my car. I then had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes, continue to cry and calm myself down.
What if I can never take a big load of classes? what if this is all I get a taste? What's the point? My true goal I don't even say outloud any more. I'll be lucky to finish these classes. What happens if I take the small steps and get my Radiology Tech cert and then, the Ultrasound tech one??? could I even make it that far? If I get sick again - I don't have years to lay in bed and recover. I just want to be free.
I went to Social Services to see if I could get some help. Guess what? rejected because I'm in school and don't work enough. but if I were pregnant, they'd move me to the front of the line. i have been considering working on gettting pregnant much sooner. It's never going to be a good time. It might harm me but what if that's it? What if that's all I'm supposed to accomplish?
There's more to it. yet, I don't feel it's my place to air out the rest of my family's laundry. I have always wanted kids. I'm getting older. There isn't anyone in my life. And hey, I've tried!! I swear, I have tried to date and it's not working. Besides the last guy I thought I had a good shot with bailed on me when my health began to flair up. That killed me. Someone swears they'll be with you through it all and you talk kids and the future and when it comes down to reality.....gone. It is what it is.
I need to get to bed. I think I'm actually going to call out sick and take myself to Urgent Care in the morning. I don't have medical insurance. I do have life insurance. i now want to give my body to science. Maybe someone can figure out what's wrong with me when I'm gone.
Well, the updates. I've been in school for the last year or so. I decided to look into getting all my medical field pre-reqs. It sounded like an awesome idea. I do regret not going to Mortuary school and I regret not going to Nursing school at 23. bad boyfriends and lack of self-confidence. Besides all that pesky health stuff.
This semester I decided to take a full load. In this field, it's two classes. Two class equal 10.5 units. I am in Anatomy and I'm excited about that. I've wanted to take it for the longest time. oh, it's hard. I mean so insanely difficult I may cry but am extremely excited to be in class. I work on cadaver and touch tissue weekly. I'm fine with all that but the smell is tricky to get used to. Some days it's not so strong. Other days it makes me dizzy and I need to leave the room for air. When will I get used to it?
After the first month I was beginning to feel like I'd taken on too much. Lack of sleep and studying late, the stress...my body wasn't handling it well. But I don't want to quit. I hate not finishing something I start. Plus, there are people in my classes that are taking 3 at a time and I want to be normal, just like them. Not to mention, some of these people have teenagerss. SO why won't my body work with me? it just won't.....
Monday is my MicroBiology 2nd exam. I didn't do well on the first one. yet, I was thrilled with it because I couldn't belive I'd retained the info that I had. It was a mini-accomplishment for me. The 2nd one ...I felt a little lost. Yet, during lecture, I'd feel so jazzed up. "Yea, I can do this!" I enjoy my instructor's lectures.
Here's the thing....throughout September my hands have been getting fumbly, my eye is feel off and the pressure in my head is increasing. My balance is off more than usual. I'm in pain, crying and not sleeping. I haven't worked out in months and I need to because it helps with stress but I'm in a ton of pain.
As I type this, not all my fingers are working properly. It is what it is,folks.
Monday I have lecture at 7:45AM, MicroBio. The room was still. I sat upright in bed. Shot up. The first thought in my mind was,"What is this? what am I wrapped in? I'm covered. What is this?" I kept rubbing it. Finally, in my head the word popped in - sheet. it was my own bedding that caused my confusion. I didn't know where I was. It's hard to explain. I wasn't scared. Maybe I'm just used to the weirdness that is my life. I knew I had to be somewhere but I didn't know where or what day it was and for a moment my room didn't even register with me.
I reached out and touched Lucas, my laptop. I looked at the time. It was 8:30AM. I'd missed most of lecture. Sadface. sigh. Running my fingers over Lucas, I fell back into the Now, myself and knew there was no time to rest. I got up.
I took this morning as a sign. I had to make a big girl decision. I had to drop Micro. It kills me!!! I didn't focus much on Anatomy because I was trying to not cry. I went to Micro and I did the lab. I don't want to leave my group. They are a good bunch. We've bonded.
After class, I spoke with my instructor. I thought it was going to be much easier. I explained to her that my health is flairing up and I woke up that morning not sure where I was so obviously I'd not ready to take a big load yet. I thought I was going to cry a couple of times. I made it through somehow. She gave me permission to drop into lecture and continue lab. I told her I didn't want it all to feel so wasted.
I left and pretty much as soon as I left the building I burst into tears. I cried all the way to my car. I then had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes, continue to cry and calm myself down.
What if I can never take a big load of classes? what if this is all I get a taste? What's the point? My true goal I don't even say outloud any more. I'll be lucky to finish these classes. What happens if I take the small steps and get my Radiology Tech cert and then, the Ultrasound tech one??? could I even make it that far? If I get sick again - I don't have years to lay in bed and recover. I just want to be free.
I went to Social Services to see if I could get some help. Guess what? rejected because I'm in school and don't work enough. but if I were pregnant, they'd move me to the front of the line. i have been considering working on gettting pregnant much sooner. It's never going to be a good time. It might harm me but what if that's it? What if that's all I'm supposed to accomplish?
There's more to it. yet, I don't feel it's my place to air out the rest of my family's laundry. I have always wanted kids. I'm getting older. There isn't anyone in my life. And hey, I've tried!! I swear, I have tried to date and it's not working. Besides the last guy I thought I had a good shot with bailed on me when my health began to flair up. That killed me. Someone swears they'll be with you through it all and you talk kids and the future and when it comes down to reality.....gone. It is what it is.
I need to get to bed. I think I'm actually going to call out sick and take myself to Urgent Care in the morning. I don't have medical insurance. I do have life insurance. i now want to give my body to science. Maybe someone can figure out what's wrong with me when I'm gone.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
One Week
Tattoo is done.
I know I'm an adult but I still feel like I have to hide my tattoos from my folks. It was so fitting to have my new tattoo, the one J inspired, to be done a week to the day he left. He left me. I have to remind myself of that. I have to think of all the negative things about him. What didn't I like? This way it's easier to let it go. Easier to heal and not miss out of life.
I didn't take any pics during the process. I've gotten over some of my fears,I guess. The tattoo gun didn't scare me like it used to. The sound always made me jump. reminds me of being in the hospital as a child. This time - nothing. ACE!
The lettering did not hurt. Seriously. I was surprised. Maybe a little part, but not really. I think it was all done in about 45 minutes. The part that hurt the most was when Andy would wipe away the blood. Harsh towel against raw skin. Owwwww. I was happy when it was done. It was now a part of me.
Andy suggested adding leaves as a border. He took out his sharpie and dre a rough sketch. I tried to watch him. He said,"Don't look yet." When he was done, he had me get up and look in the mirror. It wasn't bad. I asked him what it'd cost me. Andy said,"Nothing. I'll just add it in."
I thought about it for a moment.
"Ok. You're here so let's do it."
Andy took a quick break and ate. My friend and I chatted. The skin burned but I was so thrilled with it and couldn't wait to show it off.
Andy suggested doing the leaves in green. I thought he was just going to keep going in black. When I returned to the station, he had 6 little cups of color. He was gonna get fancy. The artist in him. I have to say, Andy (at Metamorphic Tattoo) takes great pride in his work.
Ok, so maybe I didn't think this color part out as much as I should have because it hurt like a motherfucker!!! The leaves took over a larger space. The parts on my bicep made me sympathize with a cow. I felt like a slice of meat being cut into. eeeeeeek!! But the wiping of the blood...FML.....I was a piece of raw meat. I was pretty sure I was keeping still.
The plus was the hot guy in the room. He was getting something added to his back. He came over and stood over me to watch. I think he was checking me out. I should have talked to him but I was busy concentrating. Still hot.
Done. Andy cleaning it off was the worst moment of the entire tattoo. This time I was able to squirm and laugh and yell all at once. He laughed at me. Told me he does the same;laughs when it hurts.
Andy demanded I return in 2 weeks to touch up Bear. He said there are some spots where the black dropped out. He isn't charging me. I told him I wasn't sure. I told him I had to psych myself up to come back in 2 weeks. So I'll be back under the needle soon. Eeeep! At least, I didn't sit around being sad today. I'm moving on.
Oh, work in the AM. Blah. But hey, Vegas on Thursday. I charged my entire trip on my credit card. Kinda fucking myself but I felt I needed to do it. Wish me luck.
I know I'm an adult but I still feel like I have to hide my tattoos from my folks. It was so fitting to have my new tattoo, the one J inspired, to be done a week to the day he left. He left me. I have to remind myself of that. I have to think of all the negative things about him. What didn't I like? This way it's easier to let it go. Easier to heal and not miss out of life.
I didn't take any pics during the process. I've gotten over some of my fears,I guess. The tattoo gun didn't scare me like it used to. The sound always made me jump. reminds me of being in the hospital as a child. This time - nothing. ACE!
The lettering did not hurt. Seriously. I was surprised. Maybe a little part, but not really. I think it was all done in about 45 minutes. The part that hurt the most was when Andy would wipe away the blood. Harsh towel against raw skin. Owwwww. I was happy when it was done. It was now a part of me.
Andy suggested adding leaves as a border. He took out his sharpie and dre a rough sketch. I tried to watch him. He said,"Don't look yet." When he was done, he had me get up and look in the mirror. It wasn't bad. I asked him what it'd cost me. Andy said,"Nothing. I'll just add it in."
I thought about it for a moment.
"Ok. You're here so let's do it."
Andy took a quick break and ate. My friend and I chatted. The skin burned but I was so thrilled with it and couldn't wait to show it off.
Andy suggested doing the leaves in green. I thought he was just going to keep going in black. When I returned to the station, he had 6 little cups of color. He was gonna get fancy. The artist in him. I have to say, Andy (at Metamorphic Tattoo) takes great pride in his work.
Ok, so maybe I didn't think this color part out as much as I should have because it hurt like a motherfucker!!! The leaves took over a larger space. The parts on my bicep made me sympathize with a cow. I felt like a slice of meat being cut into. eeeeeeek!! But the wiping of the blood...FML.....I was a piece of raw meat. I was pretty sure I was keeping still.
The plus was the hot guy in the room. He was getting something added to his back. He came over and stood over me to watch. I think he was checking me out. I should have talked to him but I was busy concentrating. Still hot.
Done. Andy cleaning it off was the worst moment of the entire tattoo. This time I was able to squirm and laugh and yell all at once. He laughed at me. Told me he does the same;laughs when it hurts.
Andy demanded I return in 2 weeks to touch up Bear. He said there are some spots where the black dropped out. He isn't charging me. I told him I wasn't sure. I told him I had to psych myself up to come back in 2 weeks. So I'll be back under the needle soon. Eeeep! At least, I didn't sit around being sad today. I'm moving on.
Oh, work in the AM. Blah. But hey, Vegas on Thursday. I charged my entire trip on my credit card. Kinda fucking myself but I felt I needed to do it. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Ego, You Heartless Bitch!
Almost done.
Tuesday made me wince. I decided to go down to Azucar for happy hour,grab a mojito, have my friend,Jennifer meet me there and focus on some writing. Plus, I'm considering starting my birthday night out at Azucar. Gotta make friends with the bartender and the door person.
As I sat down David, the bartender, asked,"You were in here last week,right?"
"Yea."
"You look different. What's changed?"
I shrugged. "I'm sleeveless???" Last week I was wearing a long-sleeve, grey blouse. My tattoos were covered.
"Don't know. You're hair's different.....Did your friend,J, leave?"
OUCH! I nodded.
Exactly a week ago I was in the same bar with J. *Le sigh* Funny how time flies and things feel so fresh and far away all at once. Yesterday, I woke up at 3PM. I felt sad but ok. Maybe things are getting better. I didn't burst into tears as soon as I saw the sun.
Thursday never materialized for us. J had a shit couple of days. Turns out I was the best part of his week. He'd let his phone die out and bought a new one. The new one with a new Florida area code and number. A number I did not have. I was mad and hurt. He just left me hanging Thursday night.
I still went out and had a great time. I danced, drank, met some new boys. It was a good night. But at the end of the night it really hit me. No J. I asked my friend,"Is this it? Is this really how it ends?" I was heartbroken. FML.
Friday I came home from work and fired off a nasty e-mail to him. Two hours later he replied with one just as nasty. I felt like shit. Ok, it's done but I didn't want to have it end ugly for no reason. Ego.
It took me an hour to decide to drive over. He hadn't read my 3 e-mails I'd sent and I had no way to call. Didn't have anyother option. I am not a person to show up unannounced. Yet, I didn't want to regret not making peace and seeing him one last time.
Wrote a hasty note of apology and love and ran out the door. It was 10:50PM when I arrived.
I thought I'd be scared to show up. I was strangely calm. I knocked on the door. I guess I was a little nervous. Didn't realize I was chewing on my pinkie nail. He opened the door. It looked as if he'd been crying. Oh, I'd done a good number on him. One of my Ex's always said I did have a poison tongue when I wanted to destroy someone with words.
I held out the letter and could barely look at him. J asked,"Why did you write that?"
"Did it make it easier to leave?"
"Get in here." He didn't want his roomies to hear the drama. Thank god cuz I didn't need them knowing my business either. I entered but stayed close to the door. He sat down and said a bunch of stuff. I don't even recall the words. I only heard the tone. A lot of hurt with a smidge of anger. By now I was chewing on my thumb, trying not to cry. There was a pause. J said,"Will you get over here and give me a hug?"
I hesitated. I got off easy.
I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around him and then, I lost it. I know he was better at that moment. J said,"I wasn't expecting to get so attached to your silly butt."
Overall, I was forgiven. He did some errands online, requested I return a dvd for him, joked with me a bit. Then, he kicked me out. He was falling asleep and still needed to do some packing. I wanted to stay but I'd never ask him.
He walked me to the door. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head,"Please be good to yourself. Please. If I find out you're not, I'm coming back on the first plan..."
"Just stop. You will not. You won't be here so I can be as defiant as I want." He kissed me.
We inched closer to the door.
I asked for one more kiss. "Make it a good one." I didn't look at him. I pulled away and said,"See, that's all it took."
I refused to look at him. I just opened the door and walked out the door, down the hall and to my car.
I drove to the video store, returned his dvd, and came home.
The next morning I had this e-mail from him, written around 6:21 AM. that was about 5 hours after I left him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
" I dont hate you. Quite the contrary. But my heart is in Florida. Its where Im supposed to be. I know you mean what your saying and I thank you for that. You always knew I would not be here forever. One way or another. My destiny truly does lie beyond this place and I must go find it. I follow my heart and my dreams and they are leading me there. Thank you for stopping by last night made me feel a lot better. All I wanted was to leave with fond memories and a good last impression of you in my mind to take into my memory with me forever. You brightened my life and brought joy to my world in a time of darkness and I do appreciate that. I cant thank you enough for the smiles, the hugs, the kisses and all the kindness you showed me. I do hope someday you find what your looking for. I will miss you and always think very fondly of you.
Take good care.
J "
-------------------------------------------------------
It was nice. So now I'm a little angry. Yea, I'M the one who was taking care of you when you were so ill I didn't know if you were going to die on me. I was the one cooking meat and washing dishes. I was willing to drop everything to get to you. I sorta did. I had to explain to friends that I needed to disappear for a bit so I could spend nights making sure you were safe, taken your pills, had eaten, whatever. You left.
At the bar, David asked,"Was he your boyfriend?"
I laughed,"It's complex."
"It usually is."
I sighed. "J has a leak in his heart valve. We got close real fast. I took care of him. He decided to leave, in case he died. He wanted to die with the ocean. So he left. Maybe if California had warmer waters I would have had a chance."
David hooked me up that night. I only paid for 2 drinks and had more than that. My friend showed up and we drank a little more. I caught her up on my life with J. She - like the rest of my friends - is very happy that my heart grew. Whatever. It sucks to feel things like the rest of the world. Ick. But I'm here and I'm doing it.
Yes, I learned and had a gigantic moment of Rebirth. Thank You, J...even if I never speak to you again. You gave me my heart back. It might come in handy in the future. I have a date Thursday night. You never know what will come of it.
While all this was going on, one of my friends was trying to decide on a tattoo. She thought it'd be a good idea to get Beatles or Incubus lyrics on her. I've no words or lyrics or band logos on my body. I've made sure to never do that to myself. The stuff doesn't just wash off. It was time. I can't really afford it but I need to do this to start healing and move forward. This was a landmark moment in my life.
I was down with the idea of Incubus lyrics. I started making a list. Too many to narrow it down.
I decided to stack up the cds and listen to all the albums. I was pretty sure I'd hear it and it would jump out at me. I didn't exactly get there. I was listening to The Limousines http://www.myspace.com/thelimousines on their MySpace page and a line hit me. I stopped everything I was doing and it felt like a wave of calm went thru me down into the core of the Earth. It's a motion that you usually use to visualize yourself when doing energy work,to ground yourself. I rewound (haha,I'm old) the song. Yup, that was the one!!!
It's from their song "flaskaboozendancinshoes". The line is;
Tuesday made me wince. I decided to go down to Azucar for happy hour,grab a mojito, have my friend,Jennifer meet me there and focus on some writing. Plus, I'm considering starting my birthday night out at Azucar. Gotta make friends with the bartender and the door person.
As I sat down David, the bartender, asked,"You were in here last week,right?"
"Yea."
"You look different. What's changed?"
I shrugged. "I'm sleeveless???" Last week I was wearing a long-sleeve, grey blouse. My tattoos were covered.
"Don't know. You're hair's different.....Did your friend,J, leave?"
OUCH! I nodded.
Exactly a week ago I was in the same bar with J. *Le sigh* Funny how time flies and things feel so fresh and far away all at once. Yesterday, I woke up at 3PM. I felt sad but ok. Maybe things are getting better. I didn't burst into tears as soon as I saw the sun.
Thursday never materialized for us. J had a shit couple of days. Turns out I was the best part of his week. He'd let his phone die out and bought a new one. The new one with a new Florida area code and number. A number I did not have. I was mad and hurt. He just left me hanging Thursday night.
I still went out and had a great time. I danced, drank, met some new boys. It was a good night. But at the end of the night it really hit me. No J. I asked my friend,"Is this it? Is this really how it ends?" I was heartbroken. FML.
Friday I came home from work and fired off a nasty e-mail to him. Two hours later he replied with one just as nasty. I felt like shit. Ok, it's done but I didn't want to have it end ugly for no reason. Ego.
It took me an hour to decide to drive over. He hadn't read my 3 e-mails I'd sent and I had no way to call. Didn't have anyother option. I am not a person to show up unannounced. Yet, I didn't want to regret not making peace and seeing him one last time.
Wrote a hasty note of apology and love and ran out the door. It was 10:50PM when I arrived.
I thought I'd be scared to show up. I was strangely calm. I knocked on the door. I guess I was a little nervous. Didn't realize I was chewing on my pinkie nail. He opened the door. It looked as if he'd been crying. Oh, I'd done a good number on him. One of my Ex's always said I did have a poison tongue when I wanted to destroy someone with words.
I held out the letter and could barely look at him. J asked,"Why did you write that?"
"Did it make it easier to leave?"
"Get in here." He didn't want his roomies to hear the drama. Thank god cuz I didn't need them knowing my business either. I entered but stayed close to the door. He sat down and said a bunch of stuff. I don't even recall the words. I only heard the tone. A lot of hurt with a smidge of anger. By now I was chewing on my thumb, trying not to cry. There was a pause. J said,"Will you get over here and give me a hug?"
I hesitated. I got off easy.
I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around him and then, I lost it. I know he was better at that moment. J said,"I wasn't expecting to get so attached to your silly butt."
Overall, I was forgiven. He did some errands online, requested I return a dvd for him, joked with me a bit. Then, he kicked me out. He was falling asleep and still needed to do some packing. I wanted to stay but I'd never ask him.
He walked me to the door. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head,"Please be good to yourself. Please. If I find out you're not, I'm coming back on the first plan..."
"Just stop. You will not. You won't be here so I can be as defiant as I want." He kissed me.
We inched closer to the door.
I asked for one more kiss. "Make it a good one." I didn't look at him. I pulled away and said,"See, that's all it took."
I refused to look at him. I just opened the door and walked out the door, down the hall and to my car.
I drove to the video store, returned his dvd, and came home.
The next morning I had this e-mail from him, written around 6:21 AM. that was about 5 hours after I left him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
" I dont hate you. Quite the contrary. But my heart is in Florida. Its where Im supposed to be. I know you mean what your saying and I thank you for that. You always knew I would not be here forever. One way or another. My destiny truly does lie beyond this place and I must go find it. I follow my heart and my dreams and they are leading me there. Thank you for stopping by last night made me feel a lot better. All I wanted was to leave with fond memories and a good last impression of you in my mind to take into my memory with me forever. You brightened my life and brought joy to my world in a time of darkness and I do appreciate that. I cant thank you enough for the smiles, the hugs, the kisses and all the kindness you showed me. I do hope someday you find what your looking for. I will miss you and always think very fondly of you.
Take good care.
J "
-------------------------------------------------------
It was nice. So now I'm a little angry. Yea, I'M the one who was taking care of you when you were so ill I didn't know if you were going to die on me. I was the one cooking meat and washing dishes. I was willing to drop everything to get to you. I sorta did. I had to explain to friends that I needed to disappear for a bit so I could spend nights making sure you were safe, taken your pills, had eaten, whatever. You left.
At the bar, David asked,"Was he your boyfriend?"
I laughed,"It's complex."
"It usually is."
I sighed. "J has a leak in his heart valve. We got close real fast. I took care of him. He decided to leave, in case he died. He wanted to die with the ocean. So he left. Maybe if California had warmer waters I would have had a chance."
David hooked me up that night. I only paid for 2 drinks and had more than that. My friend showed up and we drank a little more. I caught her up on my life with J. She - like the rest of my friends - is very happy that my heart grew. Whatever. It sucks to feel things like the rest of the world. Ick. But I'm here and I'm doing it.
Yes, I learned and had a gigantic moment of Rebirth. Thank You, J...even if I never speak to you again. You gave me my heart back. It might come in handy in the future. I have a date Thursday night. You never know what will come of it.
While all this was going on, one of my friends was trying to decide on a tattoo. She thought it'd be a good idea to get Beatles or Incubus lyrics on her. I've no words or lyrics or band logos on my body. I've made sure to never do that to myself. The stuff doesn't just wash off. It was time. I can't really afford it but I need to do this to start healing and move forward. This was a landmark moment in my life.
I was down with the idea of Incubus lyrics. I started making a list. Too many to narrow it down.
I decided to stack up the cds and listen to all the albums. I was pretty sure I'd hear it and it would jump out at me. I didn't exactly get there. I was listening to The Limousines http://www.myspace.com/thelimousines on their MySpace page and a line hit me. I stopped everything I was doing and it felt like a wave of calm went thru me down into the core of the Earth. It's a motion that you usually use to visualize yourself when doing energy work,to ground yourself. I rewound (haha,I'm old) the song. Yup, that was the one!!!
It's from their song "flaskaboozendancinshoes". The line is;
"We can live forever
but we'll never get this chance again"It's all about the Now. Speaking of ...need to get to bed. Have a dentist appointment at 8AM sharp. Plus a job interview. This one is it. Lusicous Jackson lull me to sleep. How I miss you all more than anything.
Monday, June 29, 2009
True Romance
I'm kinda numb right now. I want to leave my house but I also feel like I need to be alone. I'm moving slowly into heartbreak anger. Just little twinges. I know kisses and words are not promises. Actions speak so much truer. Doesn't matter if he cared for me or how much; he left. He's gone,gone,gone.
Just looking at his name pains me. I washed the shirt I was wearing the last time I saw him. I cried because it no longer smelled like him. Yet, I could feel his energy all over it. I threw it in the far end of the closet. It'll be awhile before I care wear that one. How do I shake this off? How do people do this?
Tuesday, June 23rd ended up being our last real night together. I'd sent a text earlier in the day and received no reply. Wasn't phased. He'd ignore them now because he wanted to be clear of me. At 1:57Pm, J replied,"Can u come by my place instead? I do want to see u. And sides thought u were bringin me some food. Sir is hungry!"
I hadn't cooked like I had previously planned for him. I figured it would cost me more than taking him out and I was too sad. I was also nervous, shaking with fear. I still had the letter and cd for him. I also enclosed "The Power of Now" and a Poet's notebook - a blank notebook with quotes from Poet's.
The cd;
The Replacements "I'll Be You"
Audreye Sessions "Relentless"
Joseph Arthur "In The Sun"
Incubus "Monuments & Melodies
Material Issue "Everything
She Wants Revenge "Us"
Incubus "Pantomine"
J.Arthur "Ashes Everywhere"
She Wants Revenge "Tear Us Apart"
Incubus "Stellar"
Juliette and the Licks "This I Know"
NIN "The Fragile"
I suppose the one line that sums it all up is from J & the Licks ,"I'm your girl and your my man, this illusion is all I know....."
What J didn't know is that earlier I was out to lunch with my friend. I felt so anxious about giving Sir the package that my friend decided to leave it on his back porch for me. We drove by and she left it around 3:00PM. J was still at work. He was texting, asking to see me and I was doubting he'd want to after getting his packet and opening it.
-----------------------------------
My letter;
"My Love, My Dearest Grinch,
who knew? Who would have ever guessed it would have taken You to make my heart feel again? Feel for the first time in 10 yrs. I adore you greatly. Happiness is all I ask for you - even if it means never being in your arms again. I feel like the Hoover Dam with a growing fracture - the water slowly trickles.....soon to burst open. Wishing to wash me away.
Wish I could bury my face into your skin so I could press your scent into the cells of my memory.
Maybe in some other dimension....I'm allowed the luxury of sharing the sun & sand with you....a house, a daughter, a dog (bec w/ur past, it has to be a girl). I'm trying to take comfort in this thought.
I know the waters of FL are healing. It's why I originally went there.....couldn't wait to throw myself in the waters and wash the old me away. I know it worked on some level,but all the signs said to return.
You are beginning a diff. chapter, a new life. u said u always liked that I'm honest with u. I know u didn't mean it so but I hate being told how sweet I am. Every man who's ever told me that has left me. Fully embrace this new version of J. If you need me, I'll be around.
You know I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. I'd have taken care of you every step of the way - if u allowed me in. I'd have cleaned stitches,cooked meat (u know how I love that), done ur laundry, washed ur hair. Whatever u needed of me. All that I have is yours. You might discover a new side of you that you love. You have so much to offer this world. I love all sides of you unconditionally/ I just don't have to agree with them all,Mister?;)
.....I promised I wouldn't run from you. I want ALL those last kisses, giggles & words. you made me feel safe. My Sanctuary. Haven't felt that way in so long. You've given me SO much in such a short time. thank you. You are the ripple in my pond & I love you for it, my lovely man, J. Blessings.
Wish I could keep all my minutes w/u in a locket worn around my neck. That way I can keep them close to me & so I'll never forget the simplest of things. Yes, Love, you can fuck half the world (& I can be another notch) but none of them will be ME. None of them will show you what's in my eyes when I look at you. This. You. Know.
........I don't know how to describe how I feel about you leaving. I've a sense of peace about it. No regrets. Bittersweet. I wish I had two seasons to love you right......I'll miss your beautiful face, your cheek pressed to mine, holding you. I love running my fingers over your cheekbones, the softness of your skin. That is such a delight to my fingertips, my life.'kiss me like you lost and you found me'.....................I love you,J. Like it or not."
---------------------------------------
J got home earlier than expected. At 4:34PM I received this tm," Wow. Wasn't expecting all that. Thank u. Look if u don't want to see me tonite that's cool. The one letter sounded angry."
There was another enclosed 1 pager. I don't think it was angry but he took it that way. I'm Latina. We are fiery. Deal!
I - "If u don't want to c me, that's fine. As u wish..."
J - "um ok I never said that."
I - "Didn't say u said that? It's an option. Want me to take u 2 dinner?"
J-"Well yea Im hungry lol And I'm home now. just call when u get out front."
I was at his door by 5:06PM.
I took him to Flames. It was still Happy Hour. I could drink and eat for cheap. I told him to order his steak. He'd be stuck on the road eating road food. Bleh. Dinner wasn't bad. I eat very little now. The sadness is slowly making me thin. Hurrah!!
After dinner, I took him to Azucar. I wanted him to try a mojito. They make the best $9 ones in a variety of yummy flavours like coconut, pineapple, mango, watermelon. Amazing. All you need is one. He began with a kiwi-strawberry mojito. After the first one, I knew it was getting to him. I stuck to water. Someone had to drive. The bartender, David, had rented "The Warriors". So there we were in a Latin bar watching..... J is loud. Unlike me. He can be obnxious. He's entertaining. He chatted up the bartender. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the bartender's gf calls me for waxing because I need the money. Why couldn't J chat up all the bars in the city before he left? He'd have left me with a huge jump in income.
While at Azucar, we had a stupid moment and talked about having kids. I said something about beautiful mixed babies. I know it pains J deep. He won't admit it but his face and his voice show so much more emotion than he realizes. J said,"I can't have kids." I hugged him and said,"There are other ways. That's not the only way to be a family." At one point,J's Dad had agreed to donate sperm if he really wanted kids. Hey, there's a genius gene in the family. I'd want it.
I said to J,"Well, you think about it and if you decide you want to do it. I only have 8 years and then, I'm done."
I followed this by stating,"That might be the time you hear my Mom use a swear word. I'd be trying to explain it...'Well,J's not here and I've got his Dad's sperm....."
J was laughing hysterically. "It would be!"
I said,"Yeah, but the next day, I'd have armfuls of baby blankets and shirts."
About 8:45PM. we headed back to J's. He was drunk. It was highly amusing. the intention was to make a midnight showing of "Transformers 2", in Union City. All my friends were there. My concern was keeping J up too late. Worried that over-taxing his system will affect his heart and that would be my fault. Yet, somehow he always seems to talk me into sex. Don't think it didn't scare the hell out of me in the beginning.
I was trying to convince him to take a nap. He wasn't tired. As we were cuddled up in bed, J began to talk about leaving and I lost it. I had been doing so well. I don't know what happened that day. J said,"Don't know if this is gonna work out. Don't know what'll happen in the future with us." I was too busy crying to say,"Fuck You." When a person has that much doubt, isn't it a sign of things to come? I think he loves me and doesn't want to admit it.
J said to me the words that will stay with him for life were the ones I wrote him. See, I inspired him to go ahead and take this journey of self-discovery. "Reinvent Yourself." Damn, I am good...too good. I broke my own heart.
He called me,"Mi Amour" and went very silent. I pretended I didn't hear it. Why complicate things? It's all already fucked up. He'd also made a comment like,"No matter how much of a prick I am , you're still sweet to me." It sounded as if he were in disbelief.
I replied,"Yeah, it's called unconditional love."
We didn't end up leaving the house until about 10:10PM. Later than I was striving for but he was unfocused and hard to get out the door. I warned him we may not be able to get in. Seems all showing had sold out but my friend told me to get there ASAP.
We snuck in! They'd been saving us a couple of seats, one of them came out handed us torn tickets and all we had to do was buy popcorn. HA! J was set! I had told him earlier he wasn't getting popcorn. Now it was like a dream come true. All in all it only cost me $14.50. Sweet!! I love my friends.
J finally met one of my best mates, Cathy. They both had been hearing so much about one another. This was the first meeting and the last. We talked about art and comics, ComicCon, books while waiting for the movie to begin. J informed Cathy if any boy harmed me, he'd be on a plane fast. J said to Cathy,"I wouldn't kill him. He'd wish I had." In the military, J was referred to as "The Human Lie Detector." I know he did horrible things to people. Nothing to do with me so I don't judge. That's love,even if he won't say it. It's also the male ego. Doubt it counts.
I felt naked without makeup. I asked Cathy if she had her bag. J hates me with glittery eyeshadow because it sticks to him and is very difficult to get off. Seems people at work have noticed. LOL. When Cathy gave me the bag, J nudged me,"You have enough on. You're beautiful without it." I closed the bag, rolled my eyes and handed it back to Cathy. I said,"I'm not allowed. Sir says no." J chuckled,"That was cute."
The end of the movie was difficult to get through. J was having flashbacks. Yea, military for screwing up the men in my world. He was squeezing the hell out of my arm. I didn't pay much attention to it. I was worried I'd have to grab him and run out.
Movie was long! Out at 3AM. Drove home and Sir was very chatty and hyper. As soon as I dropped him off he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He had to be up in 2 hours for work. He wouldn't allow me to sleep next to him. Mean. Whatever. He did admit to flashing back in the movie and having a stressful moment. I just held him. Not much else I can do. He asked that I let him sleep all Wednesday. We would go out on Thursday. I got home at 3:26AM, going into Wednesday morning.
Just looking at his name pains me. I washed the shirt I was wearing the last time I saw him. I cried because it no longer smelled like him. Yet, I could feel his energy all over it. I threw it in the far end of the closet. It'll be awhile before I care wear that one. How do I shake this off? How do people do this?
Tuesday, June 23rd ended up being our last real night together. I'd sent a text earlier in the day and received no reply. Wasn't phased. He'd ignore them now because he wanted to be clear of me. At 1:57Pm, J replied,"Can u come by my place instead? I do want to see u. And sides thought u were bringin me some food. Sir is hungry!"
I hadn't cooked like I had previously planned for him. I figured it would cost me more than taking him out and I was too sad. I was also nervous, shaking with fear. I still had the letter and cd for him. I also enclosed "The Power of Now" and a Poet's notebook - a blank notebook with quotes from Poet's.
The cd;
The Replacements "I'll Be You"
Audreye Sessions "Relentless"
Joseph Arthur "In The Sun"
Incubus "Monuments & Melodies
Material Issue "Everything
She Wants Revenge "Us"
Incubus "Pantomine"
J.Arthur "Ashes Everywhere"
She Wants Revenge "Tear Us Apart"
Incubus "Stellar"
Juliette and the Licks "This I Know"
NIN "The Fragile"
I suppose the one line that sums it all up is from J & the Licks ,"I'm your girl and your my man, this illusion is all I know....."
What J didn't know is that earlier I was out to lunch with my friend. I felt so anxious about giving Sir the package that my friend decided to leave it on his back porch for me. We drove by and she left it around 3:00PM. J was still at work. He was texting, asking to see me and I was doubting he'd want to after getting his packet and opening it.
-----------------------------------
My letter;
"My Love, My Dearest Grinch,
who knew? Who would have ever guessed it would have taken You to make my heart feel again? Feel for the first time in 10 yrs. I adore you greatly. Happiness is all I ask for you - even if it means never being in your arms again. I feel like the Hoover Dam with a growing fracture - the water slowly trickles.....soon to burst open. Wishing to wash me away.
Wish I could bury my face into your skin so I could press your scent into the cells of my memory.
Maybe in some other dimension....I'm allowed the luxury of sharing the sun & sand with you....a house, a daughter, a dog (bec w/ur past, it has to be a girl). I'm trying to take comfort in this thought.
I know the waters of FL are healing. It's why I originally went there.....couldn't wait to throw myself in the waters and wash the old me away. I know it worked on some level,but all the signs said to return.
You are beginning a diff. chapter, a new life. u said u always liked that I'm honest with u. I know u didn't mean it so but I hate being told how sweet I am. Every man who's ever told me that has left me. Fully embrace this new version of J. If you need me, I'll be around.
You know I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. I'd have taken care of you every step of the way - if u allowed me in. I'd have cleaned stitches,cooked meat (u know how I love that), done ur laundry, washed ur hair. Whatever u needed of me. All that I have is yours. You might discover a new side of you that you love. You have so much to offer this world. I love all sides of you unconditionally/ I just don't have to agree with them all,Mister?;)
.....I promised I wouldn't run from you. I want ALL those last kisses, giggles & words. you made me feel safe. My Sanctuary. Haven't felt that way in so long. You've given me SO much in such a short time. thank you. You are the ripple in my pond & I love you for it, my lovely man, J. Blessings.
Wish I could keep all my minutes w/u in a locket worn around my neck. That way I can keep them close to me & so I'll never forget the simplest of things. Yes, Love, you can fuck half the world (& I can be another notch) but none of them will be ME. None of them will show you what's in my eyes when I look at you. This. You. Know.
........I don't know how to describe how I feel about you leaving. I've a sense of peace about it. No regrets. Bittersweet. I wish I had two seasons to love you right......I'll miss your beautiful face, your cheek pressed to mine, holding you. I love running my fingers over your cheekbones, the softness of your skin. That is such a delight to my fingertips, my life.'kiss me like you lost and you found me'.....................I love you,J. Like it or not."
---------------------------------------
J got home earlier than expected. At 4:34PM I received this tm," Wow. Wasn't expecting all that. Thank u. Look if u don't want to see me tonite that's cool. The one letter sounded angry."
There was another enclosed 1 pager. I don't think it was angry but he took it that way. I'm Latina. We are fiery. Deal!
I - "If u don't want to c me, that's fine. As u wish..."
J - "um ok I never said that."
I - "Didn't say u said that? It's an option. Want me to take u 2 dinner?"
J-"Well yea Im hungry lol And I'm home now. just call when u get out front."
I was at his door by 5:06PM.
I took him to Flames. It was still Happy Hour. I could drink and eat for cheap. I told him to order his steak. He'd be stuck on the road eating road food. Bleh. Dinner wasn't bad. I eat very little now. The sadness is slowly making me thin. Hurrah!!
After dinner, I took him to Azucar. I wanted him to try a mojito. They make the best $9 ones in a variety of yummy flavours like coconut, pineapple, mango, watermelon. Amazing. All you need is one. He began with a kiwi-strawberry mojito. After the first one, I knew it was getting to him. I stuck to water. Someone had to drive. The bartender, David, had rented "The Warriors". So there we were in a Latin bar watching..... J is loud. Unlike me. He can be obnxious. He's entertaining. He chatted up the bartender. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the bartender's gf calls me for waxing because I need the money. Why couldn't J chat up all the bars in the city before he left? He'd have left me with a huge jump in income.
While at Azucar, we had a stupid moment and talked about having kids. I said something about beautiful mixed babies. I know it pains J deep. He won't admit it but his face and his voice show so much more emotion than he realizes. J said,"I can't have kids." I hugged him and said,"There are other ways. That's not the only way to be a family." At one point,J's Dad had agreed to donate sperm if he really wanted kids. Hey, there's a genius gene in the family. I'd want it.
I said to J,"Well, you think about it and if you decide you want to do it. I only have 8 years and then, I'm done."
I followed this by stating,"That might be the time you hear my Mom use a swear word. I'd be trying to explain it...'Well,J's not here and I've got his Dad's sperm....."
J was laughing hysterically. "It would be!"
I said,"Yeah, but the next day, I'd have armfuls of baby blankets and shirts."
About 8:45PM. we headed back to J's. He was drunk. It was highly amusing. the intention was to make a midnight showing of "Transformers 2", in Union City. All my friends were there. My concern was keeping J up too late. Worried that over-taxing his system will affect his heart and that would be my fault. Yet, somehow he always seems to talk me into sex. Don't think it didn't scare the hell out of me in the beginning.
I was trying to convince him to take a nap. He wasn't tired. As we were cuddled up in bed, J began to talk about leaving and I lost it. I had been doing so well. I don't know what happened that day. J said,"Don't know if this is gonna work out. Don't know what'll happen in the future with us." I was too busy crying to say,"Fuck You." When a person has that much doubt, isn't it a sign of things to come? I think he loves me and doesn't want to admit it.
J said to me the words that will stay with him for life were the ones I wrote him. See, I inspired him to go ahead and take this journey of self-discovery. "Reinvent Yourself." Damn, I am good...too good. I broke my own heart.
He called me,"Mi Amour" and went very silent. I pretended I didn't hear it. Why complicate things? It's all already fucked up. He'd also made a comment like,"No matter how much of a prick I am , you're still sweet to me." It sounded as if he were in disbelief.
I replied,"Yeah, it's called unconditional love."
We didn't end up leaving the house until about 10:10PM. Later than I was striving for but he was unfocused and hard to get out the door. I warned him we may not be able to get in. Seems all showing had sold out but my friend told me to get there ASAP.
We snuck in! They'd been saving us a couple of seats, one of them came out handed us torn tickets and all we had to do was buy popcorn. HA! J was set! I had told him earlier he wasn't getting popcorn. Now it was like a dream come true. All in all it only cost me $14.50. Sweet!! I love my friends.
J finally met one of my best mates, Cathy. They both had been hearing so much about one another. This was the first meeting and the last. We talked about art and comics, ComicCon, books while waiting for the movie to begin. J informed Cathy if any boy harmed me, he'd be on a plane fast. J said to Cathy,"I wouldn't kill him. He'd wish I had." In the military, J was referred to as "The Human Lie Detector." I know he did horrible things to people. Nothing to do with me so I don't judge. That's love,even if he won't say it. It's also the male ego. Doubt it counts.
I felt naked without makeup. I asked Cathy if she had her bag. J hates me with glittery eyeshadow because it sticks to him and is very difficult to get off. Seems people at work have noticed. LOL. When Cathy gave me the bag, J nudged me,"You have enough on. You're beautiful without it." I closed the bag, rolled my eyes and handed it back to Cathy. I said,"I'm not allowed. Sir says no." J chuckled,"That was cute."
The end of the movie was difficult to get through. J was having flashbacks. Yea, military for screwing up the men in my world. He was squeezing the hell out of my arm. I didn't pay much attention to it. I was worried I'd have to grab him and run out.
Movie was long! Out at 3AM. Drove home and Sir was very chatty and hyper. As soon as I dropped him off he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He had to be up in 2 hours for work. He wouldn't allow me to sleep next to him. Mean. Whatever. He did admit to flashing back in the movie and having a stressful moment. I just held him. Not much else I can do. He asked that I let him sleep all Wednesday. We would go out on Thursday. I got home at 3:26AM, going into Wednesday morning.
Maybe New Orleans
J had lived in my city a bit over a year, prior to my meeting him. When he first moved here, he came out with a Girl. The Girl is into living as a Sub. I never asked details. I figure it's not my business. I knew he still spoke to her. I knew he regretted the way they parted.
J asked her to move with him without a solid plan. They were struggling to live and eat. One day he came home from work and she was gone. I'm sure it devastated him to come home to an empty place. He spoke to one of her friends. She told him it was because the girl had felt like a burden and didn't want to see him struggle anymore. She didn't know how to discuss it with him so she left. That was in December.
I guess around March there was another woman in J's life. She was the one brave enough to answer his personal ad. Lesson!
When J and I would talk...somewhere in there The Girl did come up in conversation. They still spoke and texted. I could tell when he spoke of her that it pained him. The way things ended and how he couldn't take care of her. I heard regret thick in his throat. Didn't know Girl was only 19.
I do believe in Fate and Signs and gut feelings. Definately. Well, J took my words to heart. He says the two words that will always stay with him and be in his heart are ,"Reinvent Yourself." Damn, me for being so amazing. A few days after J got the test results, Girl called him. She vowed her love and asked him to come home. They had a big heart to heart. My heart was being kicked around the room.
So out of curiosity, J did a job search. He was almost instantly hired, with much higher salary. Plus, Florida has the perfect waters to dive in. He could make a life there. He could buy a boat and teach people to dive. He'd be able to go for a swim before and after work. Plus, he'd have his Sub Girl.
J wrote me a very long e-mail explaining much of this. The kick in the teeth was - had I stayed here, things would be different for you and I. Oh, false hope. It's so easy to say that shit when you're walking out on me. J repeatedly would tell me,"You're so sweet." I'd reply,"Stop it!" Why? because every man who has ever said that to me has left me. J said whatever was left of his heart yearned for her.
This may sound odd but I don't feel threatened or bothered by the thought of her. I don't see it working. I think J's ego feels like he needs to make things right and show her he can take care of her. Plus, he's moving into her house with her parents. He doesn't have to do anything, just show up. About 6 days before Sir left, Girl turned 20.
J and I always said we'd take things day by day. I never knew if I'd hug him goodnight and he'd die in his sleep. Or if he went to work and would suddenly stop breathing. every moment was a gift. I really connected to myself thru him. I learned to be fully in the Now, had this fantastic Nirvana moment. But it still hurts....because all I want more than anything is to touch his face.
J asked her to move with him without a solid plan. They were struggling to live and eat. One day he came home from work and she was gone. I'm sure it devastated him to come home to an empty place. He spoke to one of her friends. She told him it was because the girl had felt like a burden and didn't want to see him struggle anymore. She didn't know how to discuss it with him so she left. That was in December.
I guess around March there was another woman in J's life. She was the one brave enough to answer his personal ad. Lesson!
When J and I would talk...somewhere in there The Girl did come up in conversation. They still spoke and texted. I could tell when he spoke of her that it pained him. The way things ended and how he couldn't take care of her. I heard regret thick in his throat. Didn't know Girl was only 19.
I do believe in Fate and Signs and gut feelings. Definately. Well, J took my words to heart. He says the two words that will always stay with him and be in his heart are ,"Reinvent Yourself." Damn, me for being so amazing. A few days after J got the test results, Girl called him. She vowed her love and asked him to come home. They had a big heart to heart. My heart was being kicked around the room.
So out of curiosity, J did a job search. He was almost instantly hired, with much higher salary. Plus, Florida has the perfect waters to dive in. He could make a life there. He could buy a boat and teach people to dive. He'd be able to go for a swim before and after work. Plus, he'd have his Sub Girl.
J wrote me a very long e-mail explaining much of this. The kick in the teeth was - had I stayed here, things would be different for you and I. Oh, false hope. It's so easy to say that shit when you're walking out on me. J repeatedly would tell me,"You're so sweet." I'd reply,"Stop it!" Why? because every man who has ever said that to me has left me. J said whatever was left of his heart yearned for her.
This may sound odd but I don't feel threatened or bothered by the thought of her. I don't see it working. I think J's ego feels like he needs to make things right and show her he can take care of her. Plus, he's moving into her house with her parents. He doesn't have to do anything, just show up. About 6 days before Sir left, Girl turned 20.
J and I always said we'd take things day by day. I never knew if I'd hug him goodnight and he'd die in his sleep. Or if he went to work and would suddenly stop breathing. every moment was a gift. I really connected to myself thru him. I learned to be fully in the Now, had this fantastic Nirvana moment. But it still hurts....because all I want more than anything is to touch his face.
Where's ,J? Galveston?? Perhaps.
J kept doing a push and pull with me. One day wanting to spend it all with me. The next having no time to see me. Not completely true. I decided to test it. On a day he swore there was no way I could see him, I was bad and sent him a suggestive text. Of course, the phone rang about 10 minutes later. I said,"Hello."
J- "You are a big tease."
I-"Not if I do what I said." He laughed.
He said he was going to go to Kragen's and get something for his car. The same car he'd be driving across the State. Said he'd call me back in an hour.
In the meantime, I was busy writing a letter for him It turned into a 3 page hardcore love letter. I don't think I've ever written one so open and honest. It flowed without fear. I told you I am an open wound. I even made him a cd of music. (Yes, "Nick & Norah" jokes here. #12 Road to Closure.) I'm a nut when it comes to letters. Fancy paper and ribbon and more fancy paper and maybe flower petals or stickers. I'd bought velum and black envelopes. I was hoping to have it finished before he called me back. No luck. He called me in less than an hour. Damn.
He was searching for a new phone battery. His second task of the evening. He asked if I knew a place. I tried to explain it to him It was easier if he just picked me up. He agreed. He was less than 10 minutes from my house. J asked me to wait outside. I hurried and changed clothes. No makeup today, which he preferred. We ran all over the place.
On a bench outside of Macy's, J made me sit. He seemed a little sad. J said,"Look, when I get set on moving I get tunnel vision. I can get mean. I don't want you to see me like that."
I reassured him that I was okay with him leaving.
J-"You make it harder to leave."
I was kinda shocked. But not hard enough.....
J dragged me all over Santana Row and Valley Fair. No luck in his search. This running around was taking a toll on my left side. My leg was numb and I was getting a little slower. Later, we were in the car and I'm not sure what I said but he smacked my leg. I said,"HA! That leg's numb." Sometimes I think I make him uncomfortable.
On our way to Walmart to look for things he didn't need or wasn't going to buy, we found a yummy taco place. SO good! I will return there. It was the first time I'd ever eaten in fron of J. I don't eat much at times. Especially, when I'm emotionally upset. I had one taco and an Horchata. J paid. Another date?? Ssssssh.
Walmart had nothing for us. We got back in the car. But J kissed me and we kept kissing. It was sweet. J said to me,"I can't believe I'm this turned on."
I replied,"That's because you deprived me of your company." We had a fun makeout session in the parking lot. I KNOW he will think of me as he drives passed Walmarts. There are plenty of them throughout the States.
He drove me back to my house so I could pick up my car and follow him to his new place. He moved into a house on 13th Street and Santa Clara. It was like a hostel. Ten college,hippie kids. All very chill. 8 girls and 2 guys. Just knowing where he was at now gave me a sense of peace. He was safe.
At the house, he sang some of his fave songs and told me stories. Just like the first night we met. Full circle. My back was against the wall, he sat in between my legs with his head against my chest. He reached back to take my hands in his and said,"I know you're upset about me leaving."
I replied,"What's it matter?"
I wasn't trying to be cruel. It's simple, if he really wanted to stay and be loved by me and love me and change his life, he would have. In front of him, I did my best to never cry. Only in the comfort of my room or in front of my friends did I burst into tears. I'm a scratched record now. I feel sorry for my friends.
J said,"It matters to me."
I- "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. No one else does."
Again, not to be cruel but I am the one person who can take care of myself. I ask nothing of no one...well, til now.
This conversation led to sex. With him I just enjoyed holding him. J loves to nuzzle and cuddle. I'm the opposite. Once when we were cuddled up, I said,"I don't cuddle."
J - "You're doing it now."
I- "Yea, I hate it."
J-"You're so cuddly."
I-"Hate it. Like you."
See, I'm amusing.
After sex, he held me. It was lovely to see the lines in his face come alive. I felt a lot more peaceful than I thought I would. Touching his face is such a luxury for me. I don't know why. I could do it all day. It's so good to be that close to him. Or was....
.....I'm just hoping writing this all out will ease the pain in my heart.
Today I called my Sister. I just couldn't stop crying. I called in sick to work and slept and cried. I ate one meal today. When I was crying so much all I could think was,"I need my Sister!" It felt very similar to the time I got so ill everyone thought I was going to die. That's how bad I feel. Only she can hold me and ground me.
I tried so hard to not burst into tears. My Sister asked,"What's going on?"
I replied,"Nothing." But she already knew it was all bad.
I caught her up on J. He left Saturday morning. I last saw him Friday. Left his house around midnight. My Sister said I'd been heavy on her mind Friday and Saturday. My entire family has these crazy vibes. I don't know...psychic vibes. During certain times it's smart to listen to them
My Sister says as he drives along he will feel how much more he misses me. More than he thought. She asked,"Would you move to Florida?"
I - "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
Sister -"Cause I see it happening. I see him asking you to come out."
I-"Maybe for a visit and if he pays for it."
But J has his journey,too. I need to respect that. More on that journey tomorrow.
J- "You are a big tease."
I-"Not if I do what I said." He laughed.
He said he was going to go to Kragen's and get something for his car. The same car he'd be driving across the State. Said he'd call me back in an hour.
In the meantime, I was busy writing a letter for him It turned into a 3 page hardcore love letter. I don't think I've ever written one so open and honest. It flowed without fear. I told you I am an open wound. I even made him a cd of music. (Yes, "Nick & Norah" jokes here. #12 Road to Closure.) I'm a nut when it comes to letters. Fancy paper and ribbon and more fancy paper and maybe flower petals or stickers. I'd bought velum and black envelopes. I was hoping to have it finished before he called me back. No luck. He called me in less than an hour. Damn.
He was searching for a new phone battery. His second task of the evening. He asked if I knew a place. I tried to explain it to him It was easier if he just picked me up. He agreed. He was less than 10 minutes from my house. J asked me to wait outside. I hurried and changed clothes. No makeup today, which he preferred. We ran all over the place.
On a bench outside of Macy's, J made me sit. He seemed a little sad. J said,"Look, when I get set on moving I get tunnel vision. I can get mean. I don't want you to see me like that."
I reassured him that I was okay with him leaving.
J-"You make it harder to leave."
I was kinda shocked. But not hard enough.....
J dragged me all over Santana Row and Valley Fair. No luck in his search. This running around was taking a toll on my left side. My leg was numb and I was getting a little slower. Later, we were in the car and I'm not sure what I said but he smacked my leg. I said,"HA! That leg's numb." Sometimes I think I make him uncomfortable.
On our way to Walmart to look for things he didn't need or wasn't going to buy, we found a yummy taco place. SO good! I will return there. It was the first time I'd ever eaten in fron of J. I don't eat much at times. Especially, when I'm emotionally upset. I had one taco and an Horchata. J paid. Another date?? Ssssssh.
Walmart had nothing for us. We got back in the car. But J kissed me and we kept kissing. It was sweet. J said to me,"I can't believe I'm this turned on."
I replied,"That's because you deprived me of your company." We had a fun makeout session in the parking lot. I KNOW he will think of me as he drives passed Walmarts. There are plenty of them throughout the States.
He drove me back to my house so I could pick up my car and follow him to his new place. He moved into a house on 13th Street and Santa Clara. It was like a hostel. Ten college,hippie kids. All very chill. 8 girls and 2 guys. Just knowing where he was at now gave me a sense of peace. He was safe.
At the house, he sang some of his fave songs and told me stories. Just like the first night we met. Full circle. My back was against the wall, he sat in between my legs with his head against my chest. He reached back to take my hands in his and said,"I know you're upset about me leaving."
I replied,"What's it matter?"
I wasn't trying to be cruel. It's simple, if he really wanted to stay and be loved by me and love me and change his life, he would have. In front of him, I did my best to never cry. Only in the comfort of my room or in front of my friends did I burst into tears. I'm a scratched record now. I feel sorry for my friends.
J said,"It matters to me."
I- "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. No one else does."
Again, not to be cruel but I am the one person who can take care of myself. I ask nothing of no one...well, til now.
This conversation led to sex. With him I just enjoyed holding him. J loves to nuzzle and cuddle. I'm the opposite. Once when we were cuddled up, I said,"I don't cuddle."
J - "You're doing it now."
I- "Yea, I hate it."
J-"You're so cuddly."
I-"Hate it. Like you."
See, I'm amusing.
After sex, he held me. It was lovely to see the lines in his face come alive. I felt a lot more peaceful than I thought I would. Touching his face is such a luxury for me. I don't know why. I could do it all day. It's so good to be that close to him. Or was....
.....I'm just hoping writing this all out will ease the pain in my heart.
Today I called my Sister. I just couldn't stop crying. I called in sick to work and slept and cried. I ate one meal today. When I was crying so much all I could think was,"I need my Sister!" It felt very similar to the time I got so ill everyone thought I was going to die. That's how bad I feel. Only she can hold me and ground me.
I tried so hard to not burst into tears. My Sister asked,"What's going on?"
I replied,"Nothing." But she already knew it was all bad.
I caught her up on J. He left Saturday morning. I last saw him Friday. Left his house around midnight. My Sister said I'd been heavy on her mind Friday and Saturday. My entire family has these crazy vibes. I don't know...psychic vibes. During certain times it's smart to listen to them
My Sister says as he drives along he will feel how much more he misses me. More than he thought. She asked,"Would you move to Florida?"
I - "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
Sister -"Cause I see it happening. I see him asking you to come out."
I-"Maybe for a visit and if he pays for it."
But J has his journey,too. I need to respect that. More on that journey tomorrow.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm Jealous of Texas
By now, Sir maybe in the state of Texas. I keep trying not to be sad. Really. Except, all I end up doing is bursting into tears. I don't like being this human. I'm not thrilled about how I feel right now. Maybe one day or so they tell me.
I'm not even sure how these emotions crept up on me. Suddenly, it was there. I had no choice but to give in. In his arms I felt complete safe, alive and grateful. At first J was a secret. I told no one about him. Maybe I should have kept it that way. It would have been easier to forget. I finally mentioned him to my Sister. She asked me if I thought I was supposed to heal him. I replied,"No." Then, she asked if I thought he was supposed to heal me. I replied,"Maybe."
J has died three times. There is zero logic for why this man is alive. He's had 14 surgeries. Scars run like a roadmap throughout his pelvis. He was brutally electrocuted once. Nerves in his spinal column were severed and he was told he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. When he was about 17, he had a horrendous motorcycle accident. The left side of his face was left hanging. His entire face has been reconstructed. To me, it's the most beautiful face. A piece of his heart dislodged and slowly made it's way under the scar tissue under his occipital bone. This time he had a stroke. This explains the slight lispy moments he has and the pull in his lip. He is nothing but perfection to me.
The night of the BBQ, J was sitting to my left. It felt so natural to take my left hand and place it on the side of his face and caress it. He let me touch him for a few minutes. When I let go, J said,"You have no idea what you just did for me." I didn't. It wasn't until much later I found out he had a deep,deep fear of the dentist and didn't like his face touched. This explains the crooked teeth. I was the first person to touch his face and caress it ever so lovingly and J finally felt safe to allow it to happen.
One night, I decided to take J out to the movies. I knew he'd just paid a chunk of medical bills. I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted to go out and have fun. It took a little convincing. J said,"You're going to be seen in public with me."
I said,"Yes."
J said,"Like a date."
I replied,"Is that what you call it? I don't really want to think about it. I just wanna go out. So let's go."
It was comical. I refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I refused to say we were dating. Why? I guess I thought if I didn't use those words I'd make it through unscathed. Oh, so wrong. The joke's on me.
We got to the movies and he asked if I'd buy him popcorn. I told him if I were a guy this is where I would just say "blowjob." He laughed. J always said I was like no girl I'd ever met. We were amicable and honest at all times. Yes, I bought his popcorn and a drink. He asked for extra butter and he piled on salt. YUCK! But he was so,so happy. Anything for him. He's loud during movies. I mean LOUD. Yet, I sat next to him.
I knew J was having a rough time with all of this. The pills, the tests, the uncertainty. I was his calm. I wrote him a letter. My first semi-love letter in years. Before we'd left to the movie, he had to pull his laundry out of the dryer. I slipped the letter underneath his pillow. He'd find it eventually.
This was my letter to him J;
"I know. I took you for a turn. You weren't expecting me. Nor I you. like I said - You are everything I never knew I needed - from the first kiss.
Dearest Love,
from moment one, I feel like you found me. I adore you. It's ok for you to be scared. Tell no one. I think, you are worth a damn. You've told me time & time again, how you are every inch of evil I can never imagine.....I don't care. I'm concerned with the moment I fall into your arms & your lips meet mine.
Te deseo, mi Lindo.
Life is changing & you can't control everything no matter how much you want to. the world will keep spinning even when you lose control. It'll all be ok. Promise. Even if I'm gone.
I don't know if I can be everything you desire. nor if you can be my everything. I just know, right now, it's a perfect fit. OUR version of perfect. A new reality. Perhaps it's time you reinvented yourself, Love, like all great icons.
I mean you no harm, no wrong. I solely seek your company. the light that shines brightly within & torturously turns the knife (or key) around my heart.
I firmly believe in having zero regrets. So I don't want to run from you. I'm not your past. I'm not your future.I'm just in front of you now. Be fully in this moment with me. I can't imagine what a day looks like without you now,Love. I want so much good for you,my heart aches. You can be the biggest bastard to the world, but to me you will only leave me with lingering kisses.
Shed your old skin. Make a new one. But I will never ask you to lose sight of yourself because everything that has made you up to now is the reason I long to be in your arms. "
This letter came back to haunt me. I'm sure it would have happened sooner or later. I did spend a moment kicking myself for writing a great letter. The dice was in motion.
After the movie, on our way to the car, we walked by the Cheesecake Factory. J doesn't like sweets but he loves cherry cheesecake. I only discovered this because we walked by the restaurant. The next day was a big testing day. We'd find out if J was going to have to have his chest cracked open and have this leak repaired. I'd have to learn how to take care of him and I would do it. I wanted to see him through it all.
I woke up very early the next morning, wondering if I should have called in sick and gone to the doctor's with him. Maybe I should have done it. Got up before work and went to the store and bought supplies. I made J a cherry cheesecake. It was so gross to me. I don't like cheesecake or cherry. I knew it would brighten his day. Earlier in the week I'd bought him flowers. I was the first person in his life to buy him flowers.
After work I rushed over with cheesecake and waited to hear the news. He was in a different mood. He had his diving watch out,too. J hadn't been able to dive in about a year. He was miserable. Diving was his passion above all. His truest love and salvation. The watch held the last hundred dives he'd done. Yes, J was thrilled I was there, thrilled with the gesture of the cheesecake, and thrilled to tell me the news, but something felt foreboding to me. Gut feeling???
He wasn't going to have the surgery. The doctors couldn't find the cause for the leakage so they hoped it would just heal itself. It went from bad to worse to omg, to what the hell? slowly improving. He got the ok to dive again, too. Life was perfect then. Right?
I was barely in the door when J said,"Come here, I owe you a hug." Awwww.
J told me I was sneaky. He found my letter when he was asleep. He had moved in bed and come across it. At first he assumed it was a bill. J told me,"I grabbed it and was going to throw it on the table. But it smelled like you and I stopped." He said,"I felt like the Grinch when I read your letter. My heart actually turned." I laughed at him. I said,"What's up with that? You're allowing me to do all these firsts for you."
J said," I don't know....Maybe you're right, about letting me heart grow."
We were both growing as people. Sounded like maybe we could fall in love and be happy together. Short-lived thought.
This was a Monday and we were planning on having a date on Friday. J wanted to take me out. I was looking forward to it.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. So on Wednesday I sent a text. Nothing major just this;"Hello lovely man, hope u have been doing well & I miss u*besos"
He wrote back,"actualy rough day. Got in argument over rent. Moved out today. Lots of other shit going on too."
I replied,"So sorry 2 hear. Nd anything? have u eaten?"
J said,"Na, just resting. Found a room to rent. I'll call tomorrow after work.We still goin out tomorrow yea?"
Hurrah! all was well.
It wasn't.
My journal entry from June 15th begins like so;
"Hello Heart,
we need to have a talk. A big one. First off, WTF!?!"
J decided to leave. So we'll never know how this story could have ended.
He decided to move back to Florida. The last test day scared him. He didn't want to die alone. He told me over the phone because he'd actually meant to tell me on our date the previous Friday night. But he had to cancel because work was crazy and he was beyond tired. How can I argue with a man who has a fucking hole in his heart?
I spent 37 minutes on the phone with him as he told me of his new plan. I bit my finger to choke back the tears. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. If this is the best way, I can't argue with it. I'm glad he didn't tell me in person. We joked on the phone a lot. In person, I may have thrown myself in front of a car. He decided to leave the 26th of June.
A couple days later I woke up naked, drunk at 5Am, on my floor, craving McVities. I am a giant open wound now. Thanx Vortex. First I can't connect and feel and now I feel I'm attacking myself and want to die in a pit. Ignorance is truly bliss. Bliss me out!
I'm not even sure how these emotions crept up on me. Suddenly, it was there. I had no choice but to give in. In his arms I felt complete safe, alive and grateful. At first J was a secret. I told no one about him. Maybe I should have kept it that way. It would have been easier to forget. I finally mentioned him to my Sister. She asked me if I thought I was supposed to heal him. I replied,"No." Then, she asked if I thought he was supposed to heal me. I replied,"Maybe."
J has died three times. There is zero logic for why this man is alive. He's had 14 surgeries. Scars run like a roadmap throughout his pelvis. He was brutally electrocuted once. Nerves in his spinal column were severed and he was told he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. When he was about 17, he had a horrendous motorcycle accident. The left side of his face was left hanging. His entire face has been reconstructed. To me, it's the most beautiful face. A piece of his heart dislodged and slowly made it's way under the scar tissue under his occipital bone. This time he had a stroke. This explains the slight lispy moments he has and the pull in his lip. He is nothing but perfection to me.
The night of the BBQ, J was sitting to my left. It felt so natural to take my left hand and place it on the side of his face and caress it. He let me touch him for a few minutes. When I let go, J said,"You have no idea what you just did for me." I didn't. It wasn't until much later I found out he had a deep,deep fear of the dentist and didn't like his face touched. This explains the crooked teeth. I was the first person to touch his face and caress it ever so lovingly and J finally felt safe to allow it to happen.
One night, I decided to take J out to the movies. I knew he'd just paid a chunk of medical bills. I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted to go out and have fun. It took a little convincing. J said,"You're going to be seen in public with me."
I said,"Yes."
J said,"Like a date."
I replied,"Is that what you call it? I don't really want to think about it. I just wanna go out. So let's go."
It was comical. I refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I refused to say we were dating. Why? I guess I thought if I didn't use those words I'd make it through unscathed. Oh, so wrong. The joke's on me.
We got to the movies and he asked if I'd buy him popcorn. I told him if I were a guy this is where I would just say "blowjob." He laughed. J always said I was like no girl I'd ever met. We were amicable and honest at all times. Yes, I bought his popcorn and a drink. He asked for extra butter and he piled on salt. YUCK! But he was so,so happy. Anything for him. He's loud during movies. I mean LOUD. Yet, I sat next to him.
I knew J was having a rough time with all of this. The pills, the tests, the uncertainty. I was his calm. I wrote him a letter. My first semi-love letter in years. Before we'd left to the movie, he had to pull his laundry out of the dryer. I slipped the letter underneath his pillow. He'd find it eventually.
This was my letter to him J;
"I know. I took you for a turn. You weren't expecting me. Nor I you. like I said - You are everything I never knew I needed - from the first kiss.
Dearest Love,
from moment one, I feel like you found me. I adore you. It's ok for you to be scared. Tell no one. I think, you are worth a damn. You've told me time & time again, how you are every inch of evil I can never imagine.....I don't care. I'm concerned with the moment I fall into your arms & your lips meet mine.
Te deseo, mi Lindo.
Life is changing & you can't control everything no matter how much you want to. the world will keep spinning even when you lose control. It'll all be ok. Promise. Even if I'm gone.
I don't know if I can be everything you desire. nor if you can be my everything. I just know, right now, it's a perfect fit. OUR version of perfect. A new reality. Perhaps it's time you reinvented yourself, Love, like all great icons.
I mean you no harm, no wrong. I solely seek your company. the light that shines brightly within & torturously turns the knife (or key) around my heart.
I firmly believe in having zero regrets. So I don't want to run from you. I'm not your past. I'm not your future.I'm just in front of you now. Be fully in this moment with me. I can't imagine what a day looks like without you now,Love. I want so much good for you,my heart aches. You can be the biggest bastard to the world, but to me you will only leave me with lingering kisses.
Shed your old skin. Make a new one. But I will never ask you to lose sight of yourself because everything that has made you up to now is the reason I long to be in your arms. "
This letter came back to haunt me. I'm sure it would have happened sooner or later. I did spend a moment kicking myself for writing a great letter. The dice was in motion.
After the movie, on our way to the car, we walked by the Cheesecake Factory. J doesn't like sweets but he loves cherry cheesecake. I only discovered this because we walked by the restaurant. The next day was a big testing day. We'd find out if J was going to have to have his chest cracked open and have this leak repaired. I'd have to learn how to take care of him and I would do it. I wanted to see him through it all.
I woke up very early the next morning, wondering if I should have called in sick and gone to the doctor's with him. Maybe I should have done it. Got up before work and went to the store and bought supplies. I made J a cherry cheesecake. It was so gross to me. I don't like cheesecake or cherry. I knew it would brighten his day. Earlier in the week I'd bought him flowers. I was the first person in his life to buy him flowers.
After work I rushed over with cheesecake and waited to hear the news. He was in a different mood. He had his diving watch out,too. J hadn't been able to dive in about a year. He was miserable. Diving was his passion above all. His truest love and salvation. The watch held the last hundred dives he'd done. Yes, J was thrilled I was there, thrilled with the gesture of the cheesecake, and thrilled to tell me the news, but something felt foreboding to me. Gut feeling???
He wasn't going to have the surgery. The doctors couldn't find the cause for the leakage so they hoped it would just heal itself. It went from bad to worse to omg, to what the hell? slowly improving. He got the ok to dive again, too. Life was perfect then. Right?
I was barely in the door when J said,"Come here, I owe you a hug." Awwww.
J told me I was sneaky. He found my letter when he was asleep. He had moved in bed and come across it. At first he assumed it was a bill. J told me,"I grabbed it and was going to throw it on the table. But it smelled like you and I stopped." He said,"I felt like the Grinch when I read your letter. My heart actually turned." I laughed at him. I said,"What's up with that? You're allowing me to do all these firsts for you."
J said," I don't know....Maybe you're right, about letting me heart grow."
We were both growing as people. Sounded like maybe we could fall in love and be happy together. Short-lived thought.
This was a Monday and we were planning on having a date on Friday. J wanted to take me out. I was looking forward to it.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. So on Wednesday I sent a text. Nothing major just this;"Hello lovely man, hope u have been doing well & I miss u*besos"
He wrote back,"actualy rough day. Got in argument over rent. Moved out today. Lots of other shit going on too."
I replied,"So sorry 2 hear. Nd anything? have u eaten?"
J said,"Na, just resting. Found a room to rent. I'll call tomorrow after work.We still goin out tomorrow yea?"
Hurrah! all was well.
It wasn't.
My journal entry from June 15th begins like so;
"Hello Heart,
we need to have a talk. A big one. First off, WTF!?!"
J decided to leave. So we'll never know how this story could have ended.
He decided to move back to Florida. The last test day scared him. He didn't want to die alone. He told me over the phone because he'd actually meant to tell me on our date the previous Friday night. But he had to cancel because work was crazy and he was beyond tired. How can I argue with a man who has a fucking hole in his heart?
I spent 37 minutes on the phone with him as he told me of his new plan. I bit my finger to choke back the tears. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. If this is the best way, I can't argue with it. I'm glad he didn't tell me in person. We joked on the phone a lot. In person, I may have thrown myself in front of a car. He decided to leave the 26th of June.
A couple days later I woke up naked, drunk at 5Am, on my floor, craving McVities. I am a giant open wound now. Thanx Vortex. First I can't connect and feel and now I feel I'm attacking myself and want to die in a pit. Ignorance is truly bliss. Bliss me out!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'm not Dead,Just Floating
Decided to stay away from Twitter and MySpace for awhile. Lately, I've felt overly sensitive,but I don't know why. Energetically, I've always been sensitive. Even as a little kid, I can recall picking up a vase and feeling it's energy. I can still feel the energy of an entire restaurant. Sometimes without wanting to, it sorta attacks me. It DOES feel like being attack. I hope to get control of this, eventually.
I wish I could decide to fix my physical issues quicker. From all my teachings, it is stated you can only let go of things when you are seriously ready. The issue can't be forced. Over the years, I've been in a state of emotional erosion in order to fix the physical. I'm sick of having limitations.
I'm not sure how I decided to do a 2 hour Vortex session. Seems I like to have my healings done in clusters of three. This time I felt as if I needed to power hose the hell out of my system and make it better - fast! I won't allow myself to think of the money I'm putting into this because if I can fix myself, then I'll be able to work longer hours. It'll all balance out in the end.
Nathan and I talked about my emotional syrup reaction. When I have an emotionally reaction, it's as if I'm in slow motion. By the time the essence of my emotions hit me, I've moved on to the next thing. There's no time to feel. i don't have time. I just have to keep going, keep running. One day I'll rest. i wonder if this is why I don't dream.
There's a lot of static energy in my pelvis. The cause of my leg numbness, my fatigue, great pain and overall weirdness. I've no way to know if I'm fertile or not. I've been suffering with pubic shearing and psoas spams that nearly drop me to the floor. This was a large focal point in my session.
It felt like a force, like a river, of energy was being pushed through me from top to bottom. I felt my heart pulsating, my throat fighting to open and close. My jaw was shifting,too. My heart chakara was throbbing so intensely, it felt as if I'd overdosed on diet Rockstar. It was merely opening and flexing it's power within my body.
Later, the focus became my uterus/pelvis. I felt great heat being pushed into me. My throat was also worked on. It felt like san swirling in my torso and evening out. These visuals do pop into my head as I'm being worked on. I have to have something to compare my experience, to express it.
Two hours felt like nothing. It also felt like a long time to be worked on. After a massage, your body and mind are so relaxed, you are in a slight stupor. After a Vortex session, it feels impossible to move.
Thought about going home and going to bed. Went to grab a bite to eat and watch a movie. Before I reached home, stopped off at the store. Picked up a 6 pack, mac & cheese, and watermelon seltzer. One slight problem.
My ankle, the left one, began hurting. It became difficult to walk. I had to drag my left leg and get through the store as quick as physically possible. I hoped after resting it would go away. Seems the Vortex stirred up my ankle injury. The very same one I earned in London.
Once in bed, I could feel energy shooting down my legs. felt like webs were shooting down me and being merged together. Building a stronger version of myself. For the very first time I feel the left side of my body (mainly lower) is connected to my body. My left leg and hip are finally attached and stronger. I'm amazed!
I'm still in recovery. I'm still resting and integrating the changes in my physical body. I've been sleeping all day. Plus, I'm craving protein and can't seem to quench my thirst. My heart is still buzzing. I can't wait to see what I can do. Can't wait to start working out.
A great epiphany....on my cooking. I used to cook all the time. Love cooking. Wanted to be a chef when I was about ten. Once my Nana died, I stopped cooking. It's as if I'm holing my breath. I haven't found a reason to let go. I never cried and so I stopped caring about nourishing myself. My heart is on pause. I have no way of knowing when or what will hit the Play button on my heart. Dancing helps.
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2nlzwXUttY
I wish I could decide to fix my physical issues quicker. From all my teachings, it is stated you can only let go of things when you are seriously ready. The issue can't be forced. Over the years, I've been in a state of emotional erosion in order to fix the physical. I'm sick of having limitations.
I'm not sure how I decided to do a 2 hour Vortex session. Seems I like to have my healings done in clusters of three. This time I felt as if I needed to power hose the hell out of my system and make it better - fast! I won't allow myself to think of the money I'm putting into this because if I can fix myself, then I'll be able to work longer hours. It'll all balance out in the end.
Nathan and I talked about my emotional syrup reaction. When I have an emotionally reaction, it's as if I'm in slow motion. By the time the essence of my emotions hit me, I've moved on to the next thing. There's no time to feel. i don't have time. I just have to keep going, keep running. One day I'll rest. i wonder if this is why I don't dream.
There's a lot of static energy in my pelvis. The cause of my leg numbness, my fatigue, great pain and overall weirdness. I've no way to know if I'm fertile or not. I've been suffering with pubic shearing and psoas spams that nearly drop me to the floor. This was a large focal point in my session.
It felt like a force, like a river, of energy was being pushed through me from top to bottom. I felt my heart pulsating, my throat fighting to open and close. My jaw was shifting,too. My heart chakara was throbbing so intensely, it felt as if I'd overdosed on diet Rockstar. It was merely opening and flexing it's power within my body.
Later, the focus became my uterus/pelvis. I felt great heat being pushed into me. My throat was also worked on. It felt like san swirling in my torso and evening out. These visuals do pop into my head as I'm being worked on. I have to have something to compare my experience, to express it.
Two hours felt like nothing. It also felt like a long time to be worked on. After a massage, your body and mind are so relaxed, you are in a slight stupor. After a Vortex session, it feels impossible to move.
Thought about going home and going to bed. Went to grab a bite to eat and watch a movie. Before I reached home, stopped off at the store. Picked up a 6 pack, mac & cheese, and watermelon seltzer. One slight problem.
My ankle, the left one, began hurting. It became difficult to walk. I had to drag my left leg and get through the store as quick as physically possible. I hoped after resting it would go away. Seems the Vortex stirred up my ankle injury. The very same one I earned in London.
Once in bed, I could feel energy shooting down my legs. felt like webs were shooting down me and being merged together. Building a stronger version of myself. For the very first time I feel the left side of my body (mainly lower) is connected to my body. My left leg and hip are finally attached and stronger. I'm amazed!
I'm still in recovery. I'm still resting and integrating the changes in my physical body. I've been sleeping all day. Plus, I'm craving protein and can't seem to quench my thirst. My heart is still buzzing. I can't wait to see what I can do. Can't wait to start working out.
A great epiphany....on my cooking. I used to cook all the time. Love cooking. Wanted to be a chef when I was about ten. Once my Nana died, I stopped cooking. It's as if I'm holing my breath. I haven't found a reason to let go. I never cried and so I stopped caring about nourishing myself. My heart is on pause. I have no way of knowing when or what will hit the Play button on my heart. Dancing helps.
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2nlzwXUttY
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