Ground Control to Major Tom

I never felt I belonged anywhere. I have two scars which run from the inside of my ankle up the back of my leg. They stop underneath my calves. Hiding my scars was always a chore. I'd wear dark tights with shorts, skirts, or ankle-length skirts. I never learned to swim. It's laughable now, but I never learned to live in my own body. I say it is so because it really is true;Life gives you gifts - good or bad - whether you're ready for them or not.

I lay in bed paralized by my fear. Fearful of living like this and fearful of living a life I've always dreamed of. Certain options were never availbale to me. Now what? I'm not completely healed,but i will be soon. what do I want to do first? can I even allow myself to think these thoughts?

I am in pain every moment/minute of my life. Even in my sleep, I twitch with pain. I'm so used to this pain that I forget that's what it is. Most of the time I'm just uncomfortable. Right now it's different. Right now the muscles are pulling away from my bones and my bones are shifting. Months of work have brought me to this. My body is reinventing itself.

My healing journey began nearly 4 years ago - in Florida.

I had always heard that the waters of Florida were healing. Something cleansing and spiritual about them. I don't know if I believed,but I wanted to believe. A girlfriend of mine decided she wanted to move to Florida. She invited me along. For months I insisted there was no way I'd go. One day, I woke up and knew I had to leave. I drove across the States with her. I was hoping for a fresh start and a miracle.

Once in Florida,I spent as much time at the beach as I could. I couldn't bring myself to go into the waters yet. I didn't want to be disappointed. The waters were glorious. I've always found water, especially the ocean, very grounding. a part of me thought I'd lost my mind. My mind was on rewind thinking I was dumb enough to believe I could be physically transformed just because I wanted it to be and because I was asking for a change. The other part of me was angry.

I walked into the warm,soothing waters. I was so amazed at how warm and blue-green the water was....and then, I exploded with rage. I can't explain that moment. It was definately therapeutic. I began to yell at the ocean and attack it. I was hitting the waves, yelling, "C'mon, fix me!! Heal my legs. Do whatever it is,but make me better than this....I can't live like this anymore."

I never learned to swim. I've always said if the pain became too much, I'd load up my pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean.I don't believe I'm meant to leave this life anytime soon. I've overdosed on pills twice. It was my feeble attempt to rid myself of this "judas of a body". Once I even took muscle relaxers and I still woke up the next day. I was tired for a few days. It was bewildering that I even woke up.

After many days on the beach, and much meditation, I knew I had to come back to california. I had no idea why or how much my life would change. Ask and the Universe will provide, I guess.