Snake Skin

I used to loathe being touched. I loathed having skin that could be touched. I spent a lot of time - hours into days - in the hospital. Not to be "fixed" or helped in anyway. I was there to be studied by med students and other doctors. To this day, I won't go to a hospital unless forced. I'd rather die in the street.

I can recall being about 11 and be paraded in a room full of doctors. Another girl was there,too. I think her mom had to carry her. there were about a dozen people in the room. All of them were writing feverishly. I was never formally introduced. I wasn't a person here. They didn't even direct their questions at me. I was poked, made to walk, stand,sit, poke,poke,poke. Then, I was escorted out of the room. The door closed behind me. Nothing ever came of that.

My medical file is as thick as the bible. I've seen every specialist my folks could afford (or not) to take me to. i even went to Stanford. There they told me not to gain weight. I roll my eyes. I'm not huge, but I could lose about 15 pounds. I need to be as thin as possible for the wellness of my joints. A little hard to do when I am bedridden at times. You figure it out then, let me in on the secret.It's a wonder I've never fully developed an eating disorder. I might have if vomiting didn't horrify me. Small mercys.


When I was 23, my back gave out. It seemed the older I was getting, the more difficult it was becoming to walk or even grocery shop. When I'd walk, after a few blocks or if I was trying to walk fast, my left leg would go numb. The pain was always there. The numbness was new. It was increasing. One day the alarm went off and I couldn't get out of bed. Literally, my legs did not move. I could move my arms, barely wiggle my toes and move my head. That's all. My body finally gave out on me. Crap.

My bf at the time suggested I needed to rest. That I'd been over-doing it and this was my body's way of saying,"stay in bed". He was reassuring. I was scared. I slept all day and all night. I really didn't have much choice. The 2nd day I was able to move better,more motion. Pain is always the lurking companion. I attempted to go back to work and that landed me back in bed. The details are fuzzy. That was over nine years ago.