Woke up feeling suicidal. I think I was whimpering in my sleep from pain. My shoulders are horribly achy. My sacrum feels twisted. My spirits are low. An all time low. I feel incredibly unloved, lost and a huge,huge burden to my family. I've been thinking about leaving again. Thinking of England or a cruise ship. Somewhere else to die alone, without bothering anyone.
Science has said that couples live longer. I hope I have a pretty good chance of dying young. I've been single for years now, but I need to be held. I need a good cry. When I go to bed and the lights are out, it's just my stuffed animal, my glow-in-the-dark ceiling and myself. I think of dying in my bed and being buried in it like Frida Kahlo. She and I must have some mirrored moments. She, at least, got married. For a little while, Diego thought she was the moon. Just once, even if it's for a breif moment, I'd love the thought of being someone's moon.
I drag myself to the kitchen to eat toast. I can barely taste it. Work is awaiting me. I wonder if I'll have access to music once I'm dead. I always wanted to follow Jamiroquai on the European leg of their tour. After death would be easier and must economical. I could be the Jamiroquai ghost girl. I'd wear cute shoes all the time. Stilletos!
My Dad comes into the kitchen to eat. I don't have the energy to be at the table with him. I grab my tea and toast and go hide in my room. It's bareky 6:53AM. I try to call one of my best friends to vent, but there's no answer. Probably sleeping. Good for him. I sit on my bed, eat my toast and cry silently. I think of ENgland and mountains. How I want to run away and be somewhere else, be somebody else.
I think of the boy I am dating, about how I could fall madly in love with him...if I allowed myself to feel. We had our first fight. It's not his responsibilty to fix me or make me happy or even quench my lonliness. I just want hugs from him. Some affection that would give me hope, maybe a little strength to face the day. Proof that being human isn't all that bad....even in this body. I unconsciously, out of selfishness, disrespected him, according to him. He took it pretty hard. I didn't get the hugs I longed for either. He just flew off the handle. There was no logic to it. Other than, he doesn't want to really be with me and is making an excuse.
Even in the dimness of my room, I find it hard to cry. Harder to reach out to people. I wish myself away. Today I don't really want to exist. I wear all dark colours, pass on the lipstick, but my shoes are red. And I daydream of making bread....maybe because cooking is one thing I can get right.
