Hey Now!

I got paid to massage a cute girl's ass. Yup, you wish you could do that every day. The difference is that it was sexual. She came into the spa because of low,low back pain. Everything around her tailbone was killing her. I did my best. There are many of my modalities that I am not allowed to use at the tre chic spa.

I got over the b.s. I'm there for the people. I know the Universe sends me the people who truly need my help. rarely do I get a client who just wants to relax. I have a pretty good view, and surrounds when I have down time. I'm not eating as much as I should be eating. I'm down to 2 meals and maybe a snack. NOT good. I need to improve that.

Today I did get to workout. My trainer kicked my ass! I'm so happy afterwards. I don't realize how strong and healthy I am until I do it.I would love to spend an hour and a half daily in the gym. I'm getting back into the swing of doing massages daily. My body is not liking it. I have my off days. Sometimes I am beyond tired and just crash. Other times, I have dragged myself to the gym just to do 30 minutes of cardio. Every little bit is important.

Halloween was nice. I ate too many Kit Kat's. The dark chocolate ones are the best! My make up came out great. I managed to take a couple pics, a rare occurence. Oh, most exciting is that I had a super spontaneous moment and bought a piece of art. It's by David Choe and titled "Pegakorn". www.davidchoe.com I can't bring it home until after Thanksgiving. If you go downtown to A.D. Gallery, you can see it there. Afterwards, it'll be in my room. I'm off to nap. I'm going out later.

Oh MY!

I know it's been awhile....things are out of control right now. I am working early mornings and in the evenings,too. Two jobs, close to 55 hours a week with extra massage appts. I'm stock piling money for the dry season. There's so much I want to go into detail about....

First off, I'm working at a high end spa. It'll look great on my resume. Plus, the people seem like good people. I hope I go to work every day and am glad to be there. Today I was paid to be the practice dummy for the esteticians. They waxed my brows, arms and lip. I was talked into it. It wasn't so bad. I hope to get a facial,too. Maybe this will turn out to be the best job ever!!

I can't wait for Halloween! I am going as a punk pirate. I'm gonna be the best one!! I don't care if a third of the nation is going as a pirate; I am one of a kind. I need to get to bed. I am beat!

Jesus Built My Self-Esteem

One of my friends was recently dumped. The reason? Jesus. Jesus has a plan for all of us. His planned included a good Christain woman and lots a babies. Is Jesus behind many break-ups?
I don't think many of the men I dated were religious. I think they were merely insecure and confused and honestly, not the best choice for me.

I've had a man say to me,"Where have you been all my life?" (beat) "I can never see you again."
I am pretty sure he ended up regretting his words. He's getting married now. I think it's a great thing for him. Yet, the times I have been with another man and happen to run into him, he has shown very childish, jealous behavior. All I can do is let it go.

As for my plan...can I see the blueprints? Just a glimpse.

This I Know

I need to cut down on my drinking. I went to the doctor the other day. I really need to pay more attention to my eating habits and up my cardio. ( I actually miss the days when I used to spend 3 hours in the gym. ) I read something about drinking increasing your odds of breast cancer.

Not only do I have to worry about cervical cancer (I am officially too old for the vaccine and have never had a child. Thus, uping my risk.) but now I have to cut down on the booze. I probably drink way more than most people. I actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. Like some people like chocolate at the end of their meal, I enjoy a good whiskey or vodka cocktail. Beer and pizza is a perfect night for me.

I have been drinking steadily since I was bout 11. I drink to sleep sometimes. I have can take alot of the daily pain, but sometimes it's too much and I spend months not sleeping properly. I know I average on one good night of sleep a year. When I drink to sleep - those nights don't count as deep, restful sleep. They are just numbing. I'd like to belive since I am older and wiser (just a wee bit) I no longer need to abuse myself. The goal is to cut out drinking for a long time. Let's try 6 months and see what happens.

While writing that, I had the realization that I really have changed my self abuse patterns. I have made more of a commitment to being alive. I'm not dead like I thought I'd be at this age. I'm ok with living well into my 80's or whatever...sorta. I haven't cut myself in years or etched in words into my skin or whatever. I'm no longer agoraphobic. I do like to leave my house. I love being on the road most of all.

Lately, I have been listening to a lot of music. I am trying to find my voice, myself. it makes me happy. I need to finish my drink, this cartoon, and get to bed.

Go listen to Juliette and the Licks if you haven't already. they put on one of the most amazing shows!!

1,000 and Counting!

I am wrecked. I have been processing from that last healing. I am feeling weighed down by sadness. I don't know why I am sad. I don't know what to do with myself today. I want to lie in bed and meditate, listen to This Mortal Coil and paint. I doubt I'll do it. I may just curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe I need to...I don't do well with emotional moments. I feel like I have been on emotional-life pause for a long time. Everything feels surreal. I know I am not doing enough with my life, but I physically can't do much right now. If only my mind would breakdown, too. Yet, not in a mental way. More of a mini-vacation. I don't even know what I am saying today. I wish I could decipher my own smoke signals.

Years ago, I sat on a beach in San Diego and meditated. I was asking the Universe what I should do with my life? what would make me happy and money? All I kept hearing was the same line from a Wonder Stuff song "Maybe" looping in my head. I'd clear my mind and try again. Nope, same message. "....maybe I should be a writer..." So I repacked my car and drove back to the Bay Area. I mentally settled myself to write. I'm back at square one. Except now I actualy believe people will read what I write. Even if I am left in silence, in my own world, I plan on being a ripple in the pond, affecting thousands.

Much love to you, I know you need it.

Hello, Crush Out, Smush Out, Bye

Today I e-mailed my crush. I am feeling silly at my age...having a crush on a 23 year old. Hey, I did not know he was 23 at first. I am in awe of people who skateboard, bmx, and such. Things I can't do at this point in my life, but I dream about doing things like that. I wanted to talk to him and tell him about the benefits of Craniosacral work. I figure with all of the crashes he's had, his body could use a tune-up.

Anyway, I had an appointment last monday. I think you can call it a clearing. I'm not sure. www.spiritualresponse.com It's supposed to clear out all negative emotions and issues that are blocking the good from coming into your life. I need ALL the help I can get. I'm not sure what will happen to me, how I'll change. I feel a little lighter, I am definately healing. I am more hungry and thirsty. I also feel a little sore. Maybe next week I'll be skipping in the daisies happy.

I am also craving chocolate. I want to make batches of cupcakes!! Maybe when my nephews arrive later next month. Woo hoo!!!

I have seriously been looking into eating RAW. I was considering it before I became ill a couple of years ago. I know it's time consuming. The benefits are amazing! Plus, I am so excited about the possibilities of what I can make. I have decided to incorporate some of these new dishes into my Thanksgiving menu. I can not wait!

What I Worry About Sometimes.

I have panic moments. I worry people I used to know or have some kind of relationship will find me. There are a few guys I dated I wish would move far away or become invisible to the rest of the world. It is such a small, small world. I have run into people who are cool and like the same bands I do...only to find out they are friends with an Ex.

Not just an Ex, but an evil Ex. An Ex who made me miserable, played a lot of mind games on me and then, had the gall to tell everyone he came in contact with that I was the crazy one. I'm not the one on meds, by the way. I worry people will think bad of me due to someone else's mental episodes. I work myself up over it. Though I don't think I'd bad mouth those people. I'd like just to let it go, to realize we have (hopefully) both grown and changed and are different, better people.

After I'm done over-thinking it all too much, I realize, it doesn't matter anyway. At the end of the day, I am the one who looks into the mirror and is happy with who I have become. I pay my own bills. You know what else? I am human. So I made a few mistakes. Piss off if you don't like it.

A Nap and Juice

I can't seem to keep track of the days. This year is almost over. I am amazed. I have yet to go out and get my Halloween costume. I'm in a funk. Life is moving slow. I'm not working. I'm not writing. I'm not socializing. maybe I'm just tired. I feel like I need to stay in bed for a couple of days.

I already know I'll be alone on Halloween. I am used to these thoughts. Sometimes it's still an uncomfortable thought. What do I do with all the silence in my head when the outside world is screaming at me?

I'm Not Waiting To Die

Today I was overcome with a little cloud of blue. I'm not sure why. Was it the phone call from my Sister, to my Mom? I overheard my Mom's responses and laughter. Funny, how I knew EXACTLY what my Sister had asked her on the other end. *sigh* I wish she'd stop it! But she won't and somewhere in my head I am going to have to compromise.

My Sister wanted to know if I had met anyone, if there was a new boyfriend, with hopes of kids soon. That's what she asked my Mom. She was grilling Mom for evidence. Have I been staying out later than usual? Dressing differently? Going out on dates? My Mom wouldn't know these things....I don't think. I am very private about my private life. Why? It's because I don't enjoy the sisterly grilling. Maybe if she went back to her old, old ways (before marriage life and kids) of smoking dope; she'd get off my nuts? (I am secretly wishing for a big time job at Starbucks for their benefits. Did you know they have a plan to help you adopt, if you're interested? I'm not lying. Check their site yourself. It's in the career section.)

Which spike in my life fucked me up so bad that I can't handle being in my own body and dating? Maybe it was the kids in grade school making fun of my limp and mirroring the way I used to walk to get a rise out of every one. Or was it the Ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me with girls who looked like strippers and wore 5 layers of make-up. I was never pretty enough.( I hardly even wear make-up. Oddly enough, I have a natural eyeshadow look to my lids, but there's nothing on them. I do love my lipsticks.) Was it the kid who saw my scars and kept yelling at me,"what's wrong with you?", even though I chose to ignore him. He was a child, I was a teenager. I should have thrown a rock at his head. Or the men my age who scoff at me because I am not their Barbie doll fantasy with spikey heels and short gowns. Yea, it's rather difficult to wear heels when you have a birth defect. Of course, if I snap at you and tell you this, I'm the unfeeling asshole.

Maybe it's all of the fucking above. I have a right to be pissed off some days. Some days I just am. Some days I hurt because I can't run the 2 miles I so desperately want to, in order to be in better shape and have stronger muscle tone so my body does not fail me. It just works out that way. Tonight I will probably cry myself to sleep, while listening to Jeff Buckley. I hope to inhale his beauty. Tommorrow I'm gonna slip my Vans on, smear on a coat of my fave lipstick and I'm gonna go dancing. I'll bet you $5 I'll have more fun than you and I'll do it smiling.

The Boots

I've mentioned my shoe fetish before. Being deformed, like I am, doesn't seem to stop me from believing my body will one day be more normal. That I will wear whatever pair of shoes I feel like wearing, when I feel like it. My left ankle is more warped than my right one. The right one almost passes for normal. Except both of my ankles are real thick. The bones are smashed inside of my foot. I have the x-rays to prove it. It's a miracle that I can even walk. If you saw the x-rays, you'd ask yourself outloud,"HOW?" It doesn't seem right.

I bought a pair of black suede Rocket Dog boots. I loved them. It was a gift to myself for about $100. A splurge due to my income tax return check. Maybe I should have gotten a size bigger. I don't know if it would have helped me.

I was excited to have dinner with a bunch of my friends. I am excited about growing older and what may come into my life and how I will grow and change. I wasn't out shopping for days for a new outfit. I figured I'd wear jeans, a nice top and those kick-ass, rock star boots. I got dressed, but ran around in flip-flops while I finished making a pitcher of party sangria. About 20 minutes prior to leaving to the restaurant, I decided to put on my boots.

The right one went on with a slight struggle. Nothing to worry about. The left one simple didn't go on. I wanted to have a little girl meltdown. These are my pretty boots and I want to wear them NOW!!! I tried again. I shifted the sparkly belt that's wrapped around each boot. It helped. I was stuck. My foot was angled in too far to the boot to give up now.

I continued to try. These boots were suede; using butter was not an option. Finally, it gave and I was set to go. I knew I would need help when I came home to take the boots off. i wasn't concerned. I have another pair of boots with a slightly similar issue. I should have known better. I should have know the process of putting them on was a clue as to how difficult it was going to be to take them off.

Dinner went well. It was yummy and pretty. They didn't let me pitch in for food. I didn't care either way. Considering that I did buy my own cake, it is appreciated that others picked up my dinner tab. Thanx!

I had my Mom help me take off my boots. We began with the left one. It was a hard task. She was having issues doing it and I was tired. It was hard to get the boot to shift. But the left one came off. Now the right boot was much, much harder. It was so difficult, my Dad had to come in and give it a go. It took about 20 minutes to get this boot off. I was doing okay with it. Except, I started to have a panic attack. Inside my head, I was screaming,"Get it off, get it off,now!!!" On the outside, I get started to pull harder and wasn't going to stop. I was tired and hurt. I got a little scared because I heard something in my left ankle snap. The boot finally came off.

Dad threw it on the floor and said,"Never wear these again!" I agreed.

My ankle hurt immensely. I don't know if I did any permenant damge to myself. I might not know for awhile. The boots didn't hurt to walk in. They were magically comfortable.I am sad because I can never wear them again. I might one day, but it won't be anytime soon.

Ah, When I Was A Kid.....

Pluto was a planet. How wild is it that astronomers have taken away Pluto's planet status this week. When I was little and not that long ago, we were all still building solar system models with 9 planets. Now when I help my nephews, I'll be focusing on eight planets. It's just weird.

Well, my "Welcome to My Box" b-day party is full steam ahead. I have to pick up my cake around 4 on Saturday. I'm very nervous as to being able to carry it to the car and get it home. It'll be an intense-panic for about 15 minutes. I am going to try to decorate the dining room table to look like a gift, but who knows if I'll have time. I did (surprisingly) manage to finish my cds.

Every year I burn a cd, a soundtrack to my year. I give them out as party favors. This year is a big milestone birthday so it took 3 cds. Welcome to My Box! I have entered a new era; I now get to check off the 4th box on surveys.

Cd:B
1. P!nk - Dear Diary
2. The Wonder Stuff - Maybe
3. MC Lars - iGeneration
4. Ice Cube - Check Yo Self
5. Goldfrapp - #1
6. Bjork - Who Is it?
7. Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
8. Thomas Dolby - My Brain Is Like A Sieve
9. Frankie Smith - Double Dutch Bus
10. All American Rejects - Move Along
11. Lit - Zip-lock
12.Hard-fi - Hard to Beat
13. Lily Allen - Smile

CD:O
1. The Replacements - Bastards of Young
2.The Beatles - Nowhere Man
3. Butch Walker - Mixtape
4. Goldfinger - Here In My Bedroom
5. The Pack - Vans
6. Tsar - Wanna Get Dead
7. P!nk - Numb
8. Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner (Acoustic)
9. Joseph Arthur - In the Sun
10. Fairground Attraction - Perfect
11. Rehab - Bump
12. P!nk - Unwind
13. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

CD:X
1. Denis Leary - Asshole
2. Sucidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
3.The Wonder Stuff - Size of a Cow
4. E - I've Been Kicked Around
5. Flesh for Lulu - I Go Crazy
6. Santino Rice - Blow Your Kisses
7. Aggrolites - Mr. Misery
8. Red Bone - Come & Get Your Love
9. P!nk - I'm Not Dead
10. Julian Lennon - Saltwater
11. Tricky - Makes Me Wanna Die
12.P!nk - The One That Got Away
13. Texas - Sleep

Countdown

13 days until my birthday! I'm actually excited. Hmmm....but that's good. I am tired. I'm scared or maybe not scared, more like frustrated??? Is that the word? I went to visit my old temp agency on monday to update my resume. I thought I was fine with it.

But the next day, I woke up with fear and an unsetling feeling,"what if they call me?" OK, it's dread. I can't stand the thought of going back to a b.s. office job doing something I absolutely hate. I know I'm not 100% healthy and I can't stand for long, but why does that have to limit my options? I see it as limiting my life and it's crushing me up inside. I felt like crying all day.

I have this thing that I do, a little unknown fact. Not that I go about hiding it. I don't tell people about it. I go to the movies alone to pick myself up. I do it when I feel I really need that space, privacy. It's a semi-pampering ritual for myself. I go see a movie and I sit in the dark and cry. Sometimes the movie does make me emotional. It might be one that's more of a chick flick or an indie one.

Today I went to watch "Little Miss Sunshine". I highly recommend it! It was everything I needed to sit in the dark and cry. I don't worry about what others will think of me. The movie made me laugh, made me sad. I cried for no reason. I cried to release whatever emotions I'm not even aware of that I am storing in myself.

Last Friday, I went to visit Corey at In-symmentry. www.mybodyhurts.com She is helping me release my tmj issues. I know there's emotional junk there. I have a serious and frightening issue revolving around my neck. I am afraid to have anyhting near my neck. Lately, it's more tight than usual and it's causing me pain. Corey adjusted my neck. Seems my Atlas was out of place. It was close to traumatic for me to allow her to do this. I thought I was going to freak out and cry. I didn't.

There seems to be an aftermath to that though. I have been crying. I'm positive it's related to having my neck adjusted. I am releasing something. It's good. I wish it didn't involve so much emotional/inner drama. Moving forward and shedding skin is a something I am looking forward to doing.

Thankful for Cribs

This is a first for me, I am actually thankful for an episode of MTV's Cribs. Ususally I feel like such a freak, drink a million vitamins and herbs in the morning. I also do it throughout the day. When I am travelling it is a difficult ritual to keep up with because I do have so many supplements and powders.

But last night, I felt pretty good about my vitamins because of MTV. Now that's a sentence I never imagined saying/writing ever! Last night they showed Gabrielle Reece and Laird hamilton's house. While Gabrielle had a drawer frull of various chocolates and sweets, Laird had 2 cabinets filled with vitamins, powders, and other supplements. I need to work on having a bigger cabinet. Suddenly, it was cool.

I'm off in search of oatstraw and wheatgrass.

http://www.lairdhamilton.com/

Rocky Road Ice Cream Makes the World Go Round, But My Belly Ache.

Today I spent a ton of money on a reading from an intuitive/medium. Some people would just say a psychic, but it turns out she can smell and feel and see things. http://www.jaenamoynihan.com/index2.html

I have been struggling with health issues for over a year. I am having a lot of anxiety around my left eye, sometimes both of my eyes and the left side of my face. I'm pretty sure the tmj stuff I am going through is slightly tied in there, too. Lately, my eyes are giving me a lot of worry. Not only is my right one randomly twitching, but I get a sharp pain in the left. It feels ( I can imagine) like a piece of metal being shoved into the center of my eye. WTF?!?

Right now I can't imagine sitting in an office, trying to work, trying to remain functional and then, having a pain and doubling over, holding my eye. Would people notice? I am sure they would. Not only would they notice, but I think they'd have great concerns regarding my performance and reliabilty in the company. Anyway, this brings me to my reading.

I felt I need something pretty solid. My birthday gift to myself. So I did a web search. I decided if I was going to spend money it should be on a psychic with a fairly solid reputation. I was looking at Alison Dubois' site just out of curiosity. She's the woman the tv show "Medium" is really based on. (Her husband has a blog on MSN, but he hasn't added to it in a while.) On Alison's site, she had some recommendations for other psychics. That is how I found Jaena Moynihan.

She was a real delight to speak with and I'd call on her again in the future. Not any time soon...maybe in a three years. I took tons of notes. Plus, she also records the session onto cd and does your numbers and sends that to you, as well. I primarily asked her about my health. She reassured me that I would live a long time, but if I did not take care of myself, my health could deteriorate. Jaena said that doctors would not find anything wrong with me. (True. They haven't found anything wrong with me that they can explain. Nor can they cure me.) She said it turns out my Central Nervous System is on the fritz. My nerve cells are stripped. Something is definately wrong, but if I work on it withing about 3 months time I should notice a huge difference. This information alone was worth the money spent. Jaena also recommend some herbs and vitamins I should take and reminded me to drink more wheat grass and fresh squeezed juice. My body does love wheat grass. I've grown used to the taste. I don't even find it sour.

Oh, she also mentioned my grandma...which was nice. She said she smelled roses. I smell those too when my grandma is around. That was nice. And my love life came into the reading....but I'm a little more worried about career and how will I pay my bills the rest of the year. I have a little bit of faith. At least I won't be spending a ton of money or time on more schooling. Especially, when I was doubtful about going to begin with.

Right now I am loving the latest Snow Patrol, Pink Spiders..... and I can't get enough of Pink. I'm curious about Platinum Weird's upcoming cd. Snow Patrol is soothing and beautiful. I'm in love with his voice. Love. Love. Love.

That's Just Perky.

I have been looking at getting a haircut. Not just a Supercuts one, either. I'm hoping for a big girl haircut that is flattering. I have enough hair for 5 people. It's long, wavy and thick. I can't even put my hair in a ponytail because it gives me a headache. My hair weighs too much and pulls at my temporals. Not good.

I have been looking into this one place http://www.ateliersalon.com/ . Apparently, they take into consideration the shape of your face and texture of your hair and cut accordingly. Is this tru? Is it really worth the $50-75? I am wiling to try it out. I know, if I go, I will have to prepare myself mentally to stand up to beauty pressure.

I have never had a manicure or a pedicure, paid for a facial, paid for hair removal, bleached my moustache nor shaped/waxed my eyebrows. This doesn't mean I am a hideous beast. I feel there's no need to spend all that money if you don't have to do it. I do my own foot soaks and massage my feet with this amazing lotion; Enrichments Reflexology Foot Creme Vanilla Mint. Run out and get some it is spectacular!!! The hair issue.... a lot of the beauty standards are pounding into us. Magazines, tv and men tell us what we're supposed to look like. I just don't buy it all.

Besides, going without all these beauty necessities has never hurt my dating life. I doubt it'll improve it either. I have more than enough on my plate. When I walk into Atelier I plan on simply getting a cut. I might walk out with a bottle of gel, but if I wanted a facial, I would have planned in advance. Thanx, but no thanx. Now if you were clamoring all around me trying to sell me on getting perky tits while I have my hair cut, I'd be all over that. The Girls could use a little lift.

Where I've Been

My head is killing me. My legs hurt. I feel like shite..

I had about 3 Vortex healing sessions pretty close to each other. Now they are catching up. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks. My body feels thrashed. I am sore. My legs ache, my heart chakra is tender, my head is doing...I don't know what. My jaw is a little more relaxed and I think I am pms-ing. Sonofabitch, everything at once.

Saturday was the worst! I felt like I was having a breakdown. I was crying, curled up into a ball on my bed and sad. Everything felt heavy. I felt out of control. Every man I ever dated who really touched me, was suddenly missed. I could only think of the nice things they did for me, the sweet words they said to me, the letters they wrote. I was filled with fondness and tears. My mind was jumbled. I couldn't stop reeling.

My head is hard to describe. The left side is a wreck. My eye will twitch and feel like it's pulling outta my head. I know that's not possible. Now my "good" eye is beginning to twitch. I can't be in the sun. I don't feel like driving. Sometimes I get pains on the left temporal. I don't know how I'll be able to work a desk job again. How will I be able to sit there and look at a computer all day and not have these head/face pains. We shall see.

Starbucks is looking better and better. One day soon, I will find myself some answers. Until then, I need to go back to bed. How I love my bed!!!

That's Entertainment!

I am working on an art project. It's been done before.... this is my spin on it. C'mon, everyone borrows or is inspired by someone else and sometimes, people rip other people off and soak in all the glory. This is a little different.

The hope is that this project will be healing. People will be able to voice their regret, wonder and move on. Please, people, heal, enjoy what you have right in front of you. Life is too short to feel otherwise. In general, shoulda,coulda, woulda - does NOT work! Keep on keepin on!!

It has not officially launched yet. Soon, hopefully within the week, the Love Dirt Project will be in full swing. http://www.myspace.com/lovedirtainment

You tell us who was the One that got away? Do you regret ruining a relationship, wishing you could go back and be with that person? Did you settle and take out your frustrations on your current partner? Are you ashamed to admit this? Is this your deep, dirty secret and ruining your life in some way?

It's time to let it go. Now.

Send a postcard. An original postcard. Keep it brief, but legible. You can simply write the first name of the person. Or you can write a sentence or two stating why they were the one or a combo of both. Whatever frees you. We hope this is a healing experience for you.

Stay tuned for the address...until then, happy creating and purging.
Much Love.

Weeds and Weed

I don't have fancy cable. I can't justify spending that much money to watch one or two shows. Instead, like many, I wait for the dvd sets to be released. Then, I have a marathon day. recently, I gathered up "Weeds" and "Entourage".

I think I expected too much from "Entourage". Yes, I did find it amusing. I think Pivens is the best part. He makes the show. Without him, would I still be interested in watching? I don't feel connected to any of the characters. I have no desire to learn more about them nor am I on the edge of my seating, waiting to see what they'll do next. That's disappointing when it comes to a show.

I want to be emotionally involved. I want to be motivated to turn off my radio and turn on my tv. Give me something to be moved and inspired by. Make me nervous or uncomfortable. That didn't happen with "Entourage". All I was left with was the urge to overspend, wanting to drink and buy a Hollywood Hills home. I'll get right on that last one....

"Weeds" is fanatastic. Who thought I'd care about an older, white lady pushing drugs? Not I. Why do I love it so very much? Because once again it's the Underdog and I am a big fan of underdogs everywhere. This woman is doing what she feels she needs to do to survive. Even if she's out of her element. I don't do drugs. I haven't ever experimented with a drug in my life.
I could be a medicinal user if I had the desire to be and this frustrates many people.

You would think that with my health issues, I would be making copious amounts of special brownies for myself. They'd be perfect to pack for lunch and picnics! I am in constant pain and sometimes that pain stresses me out. I don't know how to live my life due to the pain or I can't work at certain jobs due to pain. Many nights I don't sleep due to pain. I simply explain it as insomnia. When you are trying to work a regular 40 hour job, having health issues and holding onto a job become challenging. I manage.

I don't like the idea of collecting disability because I would be watched. Yes, I am in a lot of pain. Sometimes my left leg goes completely numb - down to my toes! But I still HAVE to go out dancing. Once in the music-trance, I am saved. I am one with music and happy. I forget the pain and dance, dance til I can't breathe, but still keep on going.

Of course most people would argue that I'd be ripping off the State and the taxpayers if I can dance. Why not just work a regular job? You don't live in my body. You have no idea what I go through. I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't lie in bed, crying wondering - why me? I never have, not even as a child. Music is my drug. If people can have their medical weed cards, why can't I have a medical dance card?

Puddle of Ick

I figure I am ocd for very good reason. I hate needles and germs can send me over the edge. I'm not comfortable with my own funk. I carry my deoderant with me often. I can't handle smelling. Sometimes I change shirts twice a day. I like feeling clean.
Maybe the Universe knew I was going to be a handful, knew I'd get myself into all kinds of trouble if I didn't have certain mental blocks.

I freak out at the thought of having to use a port-o-potty. It isn't as if I was raised in a fancy house with maid service. I have even cleaned houses for elderly women. I can't go to have my blood drawn without nearly passing out. Going to get tattoos becomes a huge mental meditation exercise for me. It's life changing and testing for me.

The way I see it is like this; I was meant to have these mental blocks. They have probably saved me from becoming a heroin addict or a porn star. If I wasn't so icked out about having good hygenie and who or what touches me, I could have put myself in some ugly situations.

Luckily, I am blessed and that is not me. I love my comfy bed and the luxury of clean socks. Every morning when I wake up, I do the exact same thing each day; I rush to the bathroom to rid myself of the ick that has grown on me overnight.

In this horrid heat, I have been squirming. I have a hard time falling to sleep because I can feel the sweat trickling down my legs, collecting on my back. I can't wait to rush to the shower. Still, I won't waste the water. I do my best to get in and out asap. If only I had a pool. Could I handle a pool with all those germs and chemicals? Do you think?

We Miss the Boat.

My life is wrapped in Spirituality and Healing. I really can't avoid it. Most of my friends are Healers. Half my e-mail inbox are e-mails about healers, teachers, lectures, classes, newsletters, etc. Everyone I know can't wait to share the good they have had and pass it on with almost too much enthusiasm. We are geeks. Healer Geeks! I recognize this and I am able to laugh it off. I take a little of everything and apply it to myself. I firmly believe if it works for you, keep it. If not, keep on moving.

I have been meditating and studying all about Sai Maa (www.humanityinunity.org). It began shortly after I fell in love with Cranialsacral work. I love the benefits. I love doing sessions. I want to share it with everyone. I am even willing to trade for a good meal if you can't afford a couple sessions. It's my hope people get a feel for it, notice the results and embrace it.

Sai Maa has the ability to heal you on a deep level. It is said that even if you look at her picture, she can see you. So when you meet her in person, Sai Maa already knows you. Her retreats are popular and I have been encouraged to go and share the benefits. I am not sure I want to go. I HAVE seen the transformation in my friends take place. They seem years younger upon return, more peaceful, jazzed to be alive, living with a stronger purpose. So why do I not want to go? I am a different kind of breed of healer.

I hate the chanting, the extreme people make me crazy, I like drinking alcohol, I like watching tv, I swear too much, I like my punk rock music..... not exactly the sort of things embraced at the ashram. I really do believe in the teachings and messages of many different people. It has been my experience that a majority of people at ashrams don't get it. They take everything to the extreme. They give away their possessions and drop out of life to meditate. Sometimes they cry or faint or shreik because they are over-powered by a Spirit. They never or hardly do things outside of the ashram. They drop their other hobbies and believe whoever they are following will give them all the answers. It is understandable that habits change. Things a person used to love can no longer be appealing due to growth or detox. That happens. but why would you stop doing the regular things you used to do and love? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Wouldn't it be a better idea to take what you learn and pass the knowledge on to people surrounding you?

Imagine discussions during your lunch hour about Neale Donald Walsch's "Friendship With God". That would be a beautiful experience. Yet, when I went to see Neale speak, it was like an out of control AA meeting. People were treating Neale like he was God. It seemed they missed the message of all his books. Neale is not God. Neale happens to be a messenger. He is just a simple man who was looking for answers and had the luxury of channeling God. From the way Neale's lecture went; there is no doubt in my mind, Neale did not make up that book. No way does he have the focus to come up with those pages. Still, Neale is a fantastic man. He is doing great work, enlightening people, bringing them to their highest good. Bless him and his work. (www.cwg.org)

Yet, I don't believe any of these great beings have all the answers. I believe we all have free will. It's up to us to take what we have learned from our experiences, as long as it's for the highest good, and share with the planet. Some of us are not lucky enough to have the money to go to seminars or take classes, but we can all definately teach one another. Everyone can be available to give a hand up.

You'll Hear Me If you Have Bionic Ears

I sing. Sorta. I have always wanted to sing. Not for anyone, just for myself. It was on my list of things to do before I die. Three years ago I took a step toward this goal. I began looking for a Voice Instructor. I had no idea how to look or what I was looking for.... and to make things even harder.... NO ONE could know.

It's not that I was afraid people would make fun of me, it was that I couldn't have people know because I didn't want to be treated like a monkey. I didn't want people asking me to sing for them. I didn't want people to feel entitled to a performance simply because I disclose this part of myself. People have all sorts of hobbies, like sewing and fishing. No one ever asks them to perform on spot. This is what I want to avoid.

I tried to work with one teacher and it went nowhere fast. We didn't mesh. I was getting nothing from his instructions nor was I trying to sing. I feel like I wasted my money. I almost stopped there. I am so glad that I changed my mind.

I decided to look within a 50 mile radius. I knew this would require even more work if I found an instructor who lived more than half an hour away from me. I'd have to set aside a big chunk of time, if I took the Bay Area traffic into consideration. My one hour class could involve 5 hours of travelling time.

I paid for a months worth of classes and guess what? My new Vocal Instructor lives 50 miles away from me. Ok, so I also have to take into account parking, getting out of work on time or early, the $20 in gas to get back and forth, possible parking fees and the class fee. Is this worth it? Do I really want to invest this much time and effort? The answer is yes all across the board.

It's been nearly 3 years since I have started Voice Lessons with Robin. She is amazing and I can not imagine my life without her. Can I sing? Yes. No. Maybe. Well, technically, I have a 3 octive range voice. (Just as a reference, Mariah Carey is in the 4 - 6 range.) I can hit some good notes and understand the flow of Opera. I love and appreciate Opera, but I LOVE punk rock!!! Anyway, here's my issue - Fear. Fear of I don't know what. I mean, during class it's just the two of us in a room singing, recording and being silly. Yet, my stomach will get tight and I freeze up when I have to sing alone.

I have gotten better. Hard to imagine, I know, but it's true. In the first year, I could barely open my mouth and make a sound. Now I can breathe more consistently and I have my shining moments. I have yet to let go of the fear and it's seriously weighing me down, down, down.

On top of all this internal drama, I haven't told many people that I have been working on this goal. I still lie to people about where I'm going off to weekly. The ones that do know have to be warned to not tell the others. It's a lot of stress. So far, it's worth the extra effort.

Tonight, I had a mediocre class. I was not my best. I do become frustrated with myself, but I keep plowing forward. I refuse to give up. My brother says I need to take it seriously. I do. I spend about $60-70 a week to have a class. Some are fantastic, where I bounce down the stairs and drive home with a huge smile on my face. Other nights, I wanna curl up into a ball and cry like a bitch.

I have yet to sing in front of people. The goal is to put a couple of drinks in me and go for it. Drinking is NOT good for the vocal chords. I do not recommend it. Yet, a shot or two of liquid courage might stop me from over-over-thinking, like I do. At this point in time, just doing it might take priority over not having a drink. Ideally, I'd like to just jump into the fire and do it well. Stay tuned.

Infomercials Own Me;Call Me Bitch.

Every time I end up staying late, I get sucked into the world of informercials. I may not need the product, but I end up considering buying the product. I don't need ProActive and somehow I want it. Every exercise machine that is advertised after 2AM has to fit into my house.

I have ordered the Winsor Pilates dvds and an Urban Rebounder. Now as lame as these items are, they actually work!!! Except now I am being sucked into the world of the Slender Tone. (www.slendertone.tv) Do I really think it works? I don't know. I am doubtful. It does remind me of Bruce Lee though. Besides the Slender Tone, I am trying to sell my house on buying a Bioforce. It seems way more kick-ass than the BowFlex.

I wish I could stay home write and workout all day. Life is good.

Your Words Hold Power, But I Don't Have to Listen to Them!

I think I was around 13/14 when I had another disappointing doctor visit. I was doing great in school. I was on honor roll and breezing through my class, taking Advanced English and doing the day to day auto-pilot, until I graduated. I was also a no-good-Gothic-Punk-Rocker kid. I was comfortable that way and happy. That part of me still exists...I just don't have the energy to paint myself white every morning. Besides, I need to let my pores breathe.

If I recall correctly, I had made this appointment to get a second opinion. My regular doctor was beginning to have a shitty attitude towards me. Apparently, I was interrupting her golf games. Yea, but wasn't I paying for her golf games? I don't even remember the name of the 2nd doctor. He was a total dick! He was asking me what I planned to do with my life. I had a list. I wanted to travel, work in Radio, maybe run around and get into Photography, hike mountains, skateboard, etc.... He sighed and kinda shook his head. He felt I had built up too many posibilities. That I was going to let myself down hard and pretty much told me I'd be better off killing myself. Yet, I can't recall his exact words. (My Mom was there and she can confirm this fact.) He also told me I should learn to type because I was probably never going to be more than a Secretary. That was all I could hope for and then, he left - as if I had wasted HIS time.

I was silent for a moment. Then, I went off. WTF?!? Who the fuck did that guy think he was? Every other word out of my mouth was fuck and my Mom did not wash out my mouth with soap. She led me out of the building while I continued to yell about the bullshit treatment I had been getting from my doctors. Fuck him and his typing!!!

He was 100% wrong! I have done far more than I ever imagined, more than my original list (still working on the skateboarding), and I never learned to fucking type either. I am a shitty office worker and proud of it. Yes, I have worked in offices to pay my bills, but I have never made a long-term career out of it. I have hiked all over Yosemite and Pt. Reyes. I have travelled from one end of the U.S. to the other, I've gone to the U.K. by myself, I have worked in Radio, I have worked in Video, I have danced hard all night. I have thrown myself into the pit at The Ramones when I was 15 and so much more.

Not only that, but I have physically changed the shape/structure of my body through various types of "massage" modalities. My body is stronger and better than ever before. I can stand for a good period of time now. My muscles are stronger. I can finally balance on a longboard and who knows what else I can do. That doctor was way wrong!!! I hope karma kicked his ass.

Two Minutes Of Hero Worship

Today was Warped Tour - SF. One of my favourite events of the year. It's marked on my calendar and I even buy my tix in March.

Warped Tour (for the young ones) used to be based around skateboarding and bike tricks. They had a few bands along for the ride. Suddenly the ramps became smaller and smaller, until ramps became a ramp. A ramp that can just about fit into your pocket. The skaters who come out for Warped Tour are rarely heard about inside the gates. There's nothing written about them in the official Warped Tour guide AP puts out. There's not even a bullshit wipe off board that lists who's around. What the hell?

I had time to kill. I can't even recall which band I was waiting for, but I decided to go and watch some skating. I love skateboarding. I am slowly learning, but I have loved it my entire life. As I got there, stepping off the ramp was Jon Comer. I could not believe it! I had no idea he was going to be there. I had thought about writing him and telling him how much I admire him and am thankful for his passion of skating......here he was! EEEEEK! I thought I was going to throw up. I was shaking like a leaf and I couldn't breathe correctly.
The Jon flippin' Comer...ohmygodwhatdoIsay?!?
http://www.agentogden.com/comer/news.html
http://www.skatewave.com/Athletes/JonComer/JonComerBio

Jon Comer is a pro skater. He skates with a prosthetic leg. He handles that board better than some with two legs. I have two legs which don't work properly. I've even had doctors tell me there's no way I'll ever skate. I'll get there...slowly, but surely. I just bought my first longboard this year. Good things are coming. Anyway, back to vomiting or fainting.

It took about half an hour for me to calm down some. I'm sure he noticed me looking over every now and then. I wasn't staring, I was trying to muster up my courage before he disappeared. Then, I'd lose my chance until who knows when. I am not bring ing this up to be character fault, Jon sat there picking his nose and my ocd did not even get in the way. I was going to talk to him, get an autograph, tell he rocked and even shake his hand without flinching. Serious proof that this was a pivital moment in my life.

I finally told myself, enough. I got up and walked in back of him and sat down to his left. I said,"You're Jon Comer,right?" He looked at me a little cautiously,"Yeeeah." I think he was surprised that I knew who he was. Chicks know stuff, too. I talked to him for a bit. He was polite and down-to-earth. I felt like a geeky 10 year old when I asked for his autograph. I could have left Warped Tour at that moment and not cared. I was so giddy. Nothing else compared to that.

Jon Comer is one with the board. If you haven't seen the documentary about him, search it out. It's called "Never Been Done". You will be inspired and happy. Now get your ass off the couch!

Holidays Are For Suckers

I am on a huge movie kick this weekend. It's another one of those holiday weekends that people become so jazzed up about because they are unhappy with their daily lives. How pathetic is it that 99.9% of the population lives for the weekend? That's 2 days out of the week, people. What if you get hit by a truck? Did you live your life the way you wanted to live it? Do the things you said you would?

I am a hermit by choice. It could also be bad timing. By spending half of my life or maybe even more than half, I have missed out on my generation. It's almost like a child who misses the kindergarten cut-off day and has to wait an extra year to join the class. So then, they are the oldest in class, a little bit out of the edges and never quite fit in. Kids develop differently at different ages. I gain more respect for Montessori teaching all the time. Look into it, you will, too.

I am not a fan of the holidays because they center around hanging out with friends and family, but if you don't have either around you, what do you do? Fireworks have lost their gleem for me. I don't even flinch when I hear them exploding in the dark. I could probably see them from my driveway, but even that requires effort. Maybe that's why people have kids...to get their gleem back. Yet, I still have my gleem. I'm just not interested in crappy holidays.

I have caught up on my errands, have the bills paid, and am now catching up on dvd rentals. "Blue Butterfly" was a touching story. I guess I am getting soft in my age. TeeHee. It's about a boy with brain cancer who wished to go to the rain forest. He is searching for this one magical butterfly. Apparently, it's based on a true story. The footage of the insects and forest animals was amazing. It also made me glad I was home.

I also picked up "Against the Wall". It's about graffiti artists. www.thequalityoflife-themovie.com It was filmed in The Mission District and has a soundtrack done by the band Halou. two of my favourite things. Can't go wrong with that.

It is also around this time of year that I become weird about my birthday. I start to doubt celebrating it. I doubt finding any joy in it or even that I'll have an friends to enjoy it with because they won't make the effort. My birthday is the same fucking day every year. No surprise, that's usually how it goes. Yet, suddenly people forgot or are planning a trip at that time or something came up. BUT when it's their birthday I am expected to be incredibly entertaining and caring wonderful gifts. So I have weeded out these ass-dragging friends. Fuck them. I can get new ones if I choose.

Speaking of ass-dragging friends....hmmm, how about ones who trade you in for strangers, just abandon you? I'd been nearly 4 years since I'd spoken to Sherry and out of the blue, last week, I receive an e-mail from her. It was a short one, just checking if I still used that particular e-mail addy. Here's the thing, I'd known Sherry over 10 years. She was full of drama the older we got and a victim to herself. So what does she do? The essential fuck-up; Sherry pairs up with a shite bf who is abusive on ALL levels.

One night, this prince of a man hits her and she calls me crying. He pulls the phone away from her and begins to explain to me why he had to hit her. I told him to fuck himself and that I did not care about him. He was of no importance to me. Of cousre, he hung up on me and broke her phone, but not before threatening to kill me. For some reason, this wasn't a sign to Sherry that he was a piece of shit. We never spoke again after that night. She fell off the face of the earth and out of my life. Nor did I run into her in public.

Now Sherry would like to be my friend again. What for? I have no use for drama. I have no use for a person who claims to value my friendship and then, sells me out to violence. I have moved on. I have no desire to share any details of my life with this person. She is now a stranger. I told her such and she thinks I might be indifferent , but can't tell. Sherry's still trying to be my friend. It serves me no purpose. I'd rather be alone.

Well, I need to get back to my batch of movies. I'm going to cue up "The Libertine". Maybe I'll venture out and look at some pretty lights in the sky. Be safe. Too many people drive drunk. It's not worth it.

Today, Now Whatever

I am writing more nowadays. I know I have neglected this blog, but things have been changing. I am healthier than I have ever been in my life. Sure, I'm not the perfect size zero, but with these hips that's not possible anyway.

I am now looking for a new job, career path. I love kids and I love writing, if only I could combine the two and make a real living. In the meantime, I am writing a lot more and trying to read books that have been collecting dust. I am working on thinning out my book collection. As if I need any sex ed books. HA! What's that?

I am whittling my days by working out with my snazzy Urban Rebounder and listening to my Sirius. I think Sirius needs to kick me down some credit. I try to sell everyone I meet on Sirius. It is the best thing since sliced bread! There are not enough hours in the day to listen to Sirius. I only pay $12.95 a month and I have hours upon hours of music and talk. That's the cost of a full price shitty movie. (Wait for video if you wanted to see "The Lake House". Great concept, but someone must have messed up in rewrites.)

Currently watching "The Mesmerist" and enjoying a jack and coke. Life is pretty good! How are you?

Have You Confessed?

I had waited years to see Madonna. I have grown up loving her. But Madonna, I gotta tell you, our relationship is strained, Baby.

I bought a cheap ticket. Hahahahahaha....still holding my belly from this thought...... $110 ticket. I sat so high up I was above the lights. The oxygen was scares. You could watch all the other people climbing to their seats and you knew when the lack of oxygen was hitting them. Too many people and this high up was not pretty. We were a tough bunch. For $110 dollars, I expect a blow job, some snacks and a show. WTF, Madonna?!? You are no Sir Paul McCarthney! yet, somehow the man who was once part of The Beatles manages to keep his tickets low. I paid $60 for that one and I even got a light show and some comedy.

Madonna coming out of the sky in a shiny disco ball, dressed like she was going out to ride the horses was....well, .......kinda boring. I had waited years to have this moment and I was bored. I had 30 minutes of random thoughts and disbelief. Why did I spend the money? I could have gone to see Joe Jackson or Donna Summer. What was I thinking? Meanwhile, her dancers did a bunch of tumbling all over the sides and front of the stage.What made me think spending so much money to see Madonna was worth it?

Then, it hit me. Madonna is MY gay icon. I pretty much grew up to her. She was my drag queen persona, gay activists, nightly wet dream. Everybody has theirs; Judy Garland, Bette Midler, Elton John, whoever. Madonna is mine. So this was a full circle moment for me. I am still queer. That hasn't changed and now I had seen Madonna. I was in the process anyway. I am sad to say that I think I saw Mz. M too late in life. ....... She is no longer perfect in my eyes.

Madonna can not sing. Don't try to argue this one. You are dilusional!! It's up there with the moment that you find out Santa Claus is not real. Sigh. Madonna really can't sing. I know this because after about three years I have a three octave rang voice. Sadness. Madonna didn't tell stories, she wasn't incredibley engaging, she stuck to her routine like clockwork and I was still bored. Yes, I got up and attemped to dance in zero inches of space with little oxygen. I now feel like I was training for Everest;sitting in that one month period where your body has to aclimate until you can continue on.

Madonna flipping off the crowd and doing pelvic thrusts....must have been hot say 15- 20 years ago, but now it's kind of pathetic. I want to cover her up. There's no cool factor to it. She's not punk rock when her little girl has a $500/hr hair stylist. For pushing 50, Madonna looks fantastic! She can definately brag that her ass looks better than your ass. (She still has those freaky man hands though.)

I have to admit, the second half of the show seemed livelier. When the music for "Disco Inferno" blasted through, the crowd shot up to scream and dance. I was glad I made the effort to show up. Glad I finally saw MY gay icon. I'm even happy Madonna has grown up and found the Kabbalah. I wish she'd stop with the botox though. See her, at least once, dance your ass off and smile. It wasn't life changing, but it was fun. My favourite part was when she faked being tired and laid down on stage. Her backup dancers/singers covered her in a cloak and dragged her to her feet. the back of the cloak had a shiny,rainbowesqe disco ball. The cloak even had christmas-like lights. She opened it, as if she were gonna fly off stage like Batman. (With Madonna it's all possible,right?) Instead, I heard....."You must be my lucky star....". I thought, "No fucking way!" That's when I started squealing and jumping up and down like a Catholic school girl. The rest of the night was a blur.

And fuck buying a $60 t-shirt. i can go home and make my own or treat myself to a real good dinner. Or you can always hit the t-shirt scalpers outside. $10 bought me a pretty cool Madonna tank top. Worth the price and it fits great. I don't feel bad about it. Madonna didn't feel bad when she raped me outta $110. 'nuff said.