The Boots

I've mentioned my shoe fetish before. Being deformed, like I am, doesn't seem to stop me from believing my body will one day be more normal. That I will wear whatever pair of shoes I feel like wearing, when I feel like it. My left ankle is more warped than my right one. The right one almost passes for normal. Except both of my ankles are real thick. The bones are smashed inside of my foot. I have the x-rays to prove it. It's a miracle that I can even walk. If you saw the x-rays, you'd ask yourself outloud,"HOW?" It doesn't seem right.

I bought a pair of black suede Rocket Dog boots. I loved them. It was a gift to myself for about $100. A splurge due to my income tax return check. Maybe I should have gotten a size bigger. I don't know if it would have helped me.

I was excited to have dinner with a bunch of my friends. I am excited about growing older and what may come into my life and how I will grow and change. I wasn't out shopping for days for a new outfit. I figured I'd wear jeans, a nice top and those kick-ass, rock star boots. I got dressed, but ran around in flip-flops while I finished making a pitcher of party sangria. About 20 minutes prior to leaving to the restaurant, I decided to put on my boots.

The right one went on with a slight struggle. Nothing to worry about. The left one simple didn't go on. I wanted to have a little girl meltdown. These are my pretty boots and I want to wear them NOW!!! I tried again. I shifted the sparkly belt that's wrapped around each boot. It helped. I was stuck. My foot was angled in too far to the boot to give up now.

I continued to try. These boots were suede; using butter was not an option. Finally, it gave and I was set to go. I knew I would need help when I came home to take the boots off. i wasn't concerned. I have another pair of boots with a slightly similar issue. I should have known better. I should have know the process of putting them on was a clue as to how difficult it was going to be to take them off.

Dinner went well. It was yummy and pretty. They didn't let me pitch in for food. I didn't care either way. Considering that I did buy my own cake, it is appreciated that others picked up my dinner tab. Thanx!

I had my Mom help me take off my boots. We began with the left one. It was a hard task. She was having issues doing it and I was tired. It was hard to get the boot to shift. But the left one came off. Now the right boot was much, much harder. It was so difficult, my Dad had to come in and give it a go. It took about 20 minutes to get this boot off. I was doing okay with it. Except, I started to have a panic attack. Inside my head, I was screaming,"Get it off, get it off,now!!!" On the outside, I get started to pull harder and wasn't going to stop. I was tired and hurt. I got a little scared because I heard something in my left ankle snap. The boot finally came off.

Dad threw it on the floor and said,"Never wear these again!" I agreed.

My ankle hurt immensely. I don't know if I did any permenant damge to myself. I might not know for awhile. The boots didn't hurt to walk in. They were magically comfortable.I am sad because I can never wear them again. I might one day, but it won't be anytime soon.

Ah, When I Was A Kid.....

Pluto was a planet. How wild is it that astronomers have taken away Pluto's planet status this week. When I was little and not that long ago, we were all still building solar system models with 9 planets. Now when I help my nephews, I'll be focusing on eight planets. It's just weird.

Well, my "Welcome to My Box" b-day party is full steam ahead. I have to pick up my cake around 4 on Saturday. I'm very nervous as to being able to carry it to the car and get it home. It'll be an intense-panic for about 15 minutes. I am going to try to decorate the dining room table to look like a gift, but who knows if I'll have time. I did (surprisingly) manage to finish my cds.

Every year I burn a cd, a soundtrack to my year. I give them out as party favors. This year is a big milestone birthday so it took 3 cds. Welcome to My Box! I have entered a new era; I now get to check off the 4th box on surveys.

Cd:B
1. P!nk - Dear Diary
2. The Wonder Stuff - Maybe
3. MC Lars - iGeneration
4. Ice Cube - Check Yo Self
5. Goldfrapp - #1
6. Bjork - Who Is it?
7. Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
8. Thomas Dolby - My Brain Is Like A Sieve
9. Frankie Smith - Double Dutch Bus
10. All American Rejects - Move Along
11. Lit - Zip-lock
12.Hard-fi - Hard to Beat
13. Lily Allen - Smile

CD:O
1. The Replacements - Bastards of Young
2.The Beatles - Nowhere Man
3. Butch Walker - Mixtape
4. Goldfinger - Here In My Bedroom
5. The Pack - Vans
6. Tsar - Wanna Get Dead
7. P!nk - Numb
8. Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner (Acoustic)
9. Joseph Arthur - In the Sun
10. Fairground Attraction - Perfect
11. Rehab - Bump
12. P!nk - Unwind
13. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

CD:X
1. Denis Leary - Asshole
2. Sucidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
3.The Wonder Stuff - Size of a Cow
4. E - I've Been Kicked Around
5. Flesh for Lulu - I Go Crazy
6. Santino Rice - Blow Your Kisses
7. Aggrolites - Mr. Misery
8. Red Bone - Come & Get Your Love
9. P!nk - I'm Not Dead
10. Julian Lennon - Saltwater
11. Tricky - Makes Me Wanna Die
12.P!nk - The One That Got Away
13. Texas - Sleep

Countdown

13 days until my birthday! I'm actually excited. Hmmm....but that's good. I am tired. I'm scared or maybe not scared, more like frustrated??? Is that the word? I went to visit my old temp agency on monday to update my resume. I thought I was fine with it.

But the next day, I woke up with fear and an unsetling feeling,"what if they call me?" OK, it's dread. I can't stand the thought of going back to a b.s. office job doing something I absolutely hate. I know I'm not 100% healthy and I can't stand for long, but why does that have to limit my options? I see it as limiting my life and it's crushing me up inside. I felt like crying all day.

I have this thing that I do, a little unknown fact. Not that I go about hiding it. I don't tell people about it. I go to the movies alone to pick myself up. I do it when I feel I really need that space, privacy. It's a semi-pampering ritual for myself. I go see a movie and I sit in the dark and cry. Sometimes the movie does make me emotional. It might be one that's more of a chick flick or an indie one.

Today I went to watch "Little Miss Sunshine". I highly recommend it! It was everything I needed to sit in the dark and cry. I don't worry about what others will think of me. The movie made me laugh, made me sad. I cried for no reason. I cried to release whatever emotions I'm not even aware of that I am storing in myself.

Last Friday, I went to visit Corey at In-symmentry. www.mybodyhurts.com She is helping me release my tmj issues. I know there's emotional junk there. I have a serious and frightening issue revolving around my neck. I am afraid to have anyhting near my neck. Lately, it's more tight than usual and it's causing me pain. Corey adjusted my neck. Seems my Atlas was out of place. It was close to traumatic for me to allow her to do this. I thought I was going to freak out and cry. I didn't.

There seems to be an aftermath to that though. I have been crying. I'm positive it's related to having my neck adjusted. I am releasing something. It's good. I wish it didn't involve so much emotional/inner drama. Moving forward and shedding skin is a something I am looking forward to doing.

Thankful for Cribs

This is a first for me, I am actually thankful for an episode of MTV's Cribs. Ususally I feel like such a freak, drink a million vitamins and herbs in the morning. I also do it throughout the day. When I am travelling it is a difficult ritual to keep up with because I do have so many supplements and powders.

But last night, I felt pretty good about my vitamins because of MTV. Now that's a sentence I never imagined saying/writing ever! Last night they showed Gabrielle Reece and Laird hamilton's house. While Gabrielle had a drawer frull of various chocolates and sweets, Laird had 2 cabinets filled with vitamins, powders, and other supplements. I need to work on having a bigger cabinet. Suddenly, it was cool.

I'm off in search of oatstraw and wheatgrass.

http://www.lairdhamilton.com/

Rocky Road Ice Cream Makes the World Go Round, But My Belly Ache.

Today I spent a ton of money on a reading from an intuitive/medium. Some people would just say a psychic, but it turns out she can smell and feel and see things. http://www.jaenamoynihan.com/index2.html

I have been struggling with health issues for over a year. I am having a lot of anxiety around my left eye, sometimes both of my eyes and the left side of my face. I'm pretty sure the tmj stuff I am going through is slightly tied in there, too. Lately, my eyes are giving me a lot of worry. Not only is my right one randomly twitching, but I get a sharp pain in the left. It feels ( I can imagine) like a piece of metal being shoved into the center of my eye. WTF?!?

Right now I can't imagine sitting in an office, trying to work, trying to remain functional and then, having a pain and doubling over, holding my eye. Would people notice? I am sure they would. Not only would they notice, but I think they'd have great concerns regarding my performance and reliabilty in the company. Anyway, this brings me to my reading.

I felt I need something pretty solid. My birthday gift to myself. So I did a web search. I decided if I was going to spend money it should be on a psychic with a fairly solid reputation. I was looking at Alison Dubois' site just out of curiosity. She's the woman the tv show "Medium" is really based on. (Her husband has a blog on MSN, but he hasn't added to it in a while.) On Alison's site, she had some recommendations for other psychics. That is how I found Jaena Moynihan.

She was a real delight to speak with and I'd call on her again in the future. Not any time soon...maybe in a three years. I took tons of notes. Plus, she also records the session onto cd and does your numbers and sends that to you, as well. I primarily asked her about my health. She reassured me that I would live a long time, but if I did not take care of myself, my health could deteriorate. Jaena said that doctors would not find anything wrong with me. (True. They haven't found anything wrong with me that they can explain. Nor can they cure me.) She said it turns out my Central Nervous System is on the fritz. My nerve cells are stripped. Something is definately wrong, but if I work on it withing about 3 months time I should notice a huge difference. This information alone was worth the money spent. Jaena also recommend some herbs and vitamins I should take and reminded me to drink more wheat grass and fresh squeezed juice. My body does love wheat grass. I've grown used to the taste. I don't even find it sour.

Oh, she also mentioned my grandma...which was nice. She said she smelled roses. I smell those too when my grandma is around. That was nice. And my love life came into the reading....but I'm a little more worried about career and how will I pay my bills the rest of the year. I have a little bit of faith. At least I won't be spending a ton of money or time on more schooling. Especially, when I was doubtful about going to begin with.

Right now I am loving the latest Snow Patrol, Pink Spiders..... and I can't get enough of Pink. I'm curious about Platinum Weird's upcoming cd. Snow Patrol is soothing and beautiful. I'm in love with his voice. Love. Love. Love.

That's Just Perky.

I have been looking at getting a haircut. Not just a Supercuts one, either. I'm hoping for a big girl haircut that is flattering. I have enough hair for 5 people. It's long, wavy and thick. I can't even put my hair in a ponytail because it gives me a headache. My hair weighs too much and pulls at my temporals. Not good.

I have been looking into this one place http://www.ateliersalon.com/ . Apparently, they take into consideration the shape of your face and texture of your hair and cut accordingly. Is this tru? Is it really worth the $50-75? I am wiling to try it out. I know, if I go, I will have to prepare myself mentally to stand up to beauty pressure.

I have never had a manicure or a pedicure, paid for a facial, paid for hair removal, bleached my moustache nor shaped/waxed my eyebrows. This doesn't mean I am a hideous beast. I feel there's no need to spend all that money if you don't have to do it. I do my own foot soaks and massage my feet with this amazing lotion; Enrichments Reflexology Foot Creme Vanilla Mint. Run out and get some it is spectacular!!! The hair issue.... a lot of the beauty standards are pounding into us. Magazines, tv and men tell us what we're supposed to look like. I just don't buy it all.

Besides, going without all these beauty necessities has never hurt my dating life. I doubt it'll improve it either. I have more than enough on my plate. When I walk into Atelier I plan on simply getting a cut. I might walk out with a bottle of gel, but if I wanted a facial, I would have planned in advance. Thanx, but no thanx. Now if you were clamoring all around me trying to sell me on getting perky tits while I have my hair cut, I'd be all over that. The Girls could use a little lift.