1,000 and Counting!

I am wrecked. I have been processing from that last healing. I am feeling weighed down by sadness. I don't know why I am sad. I don't know what to do with myself today. I want to lie in bed and meditate, listen to This Mortal Coil and paint. I doubt I'll do it. I may just curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe I need to...I don't do well with emotional moments. I feel like I have been on emotional-life pause for a long time. Everything feels surreal. I know I am not doing enough with my life, but I physically can't do much right now. If only my mind would breakdown, too. Yet, not in a mental way. More of a mini-vacation. I don't even know what I am saying today. I wish I could decipher my own smoke signals.

Years ago, I sat on a beach in San Diego and meditated. I was asking the Universe what I should do with my life? what would make me happy and money? All I kept hearing was the same line from a Wonder Stuff song "Maybe" looping in my head. I'd clear my mind and try again. Nope, same message. "....maybe I should be a writer..." So I repacked my car and drove back to the Bay Area. I mentally settled myself to write. I'm back at square one. Except now I actualy believe people will read what I write. Even if I am left in silence, in my own world, I plan on being a ripple in the pond, affecting thousands.

Much love to you, I know you need it.

Hello, Crush Out, Smush Out, Bye

Today I e-mailed my crush. I am feeling silly at my age...having a crush on a 23 year old. Hey, I did not know he was 23 at first. I am in awe of people who skateboard, bmx, and such. Things I can't do at this point in my life, but I dream about doing things like that. I wanted to talk to him and tell him about the benefits of Craniosacral work. I figure with all of the crashes he's had, his body could use a tune-up.

Anyway, I had an appointment last monday. I think you can call it a clearing. I'm not sure. www.spiritualresponse.com It's supposed to clear out all negative emotions and issues that are blocking the good from coming into your life. I need ALL the help I can get. I'm not sure what will happen to me, how I'll change. I feel a little lighter, I am definately healing. I am more hungry and thirsty. I also feel a little sore. Maybe next week I'll be skipping in the daisies happy.

I am also craving chocolate. I want to make batches of cupcakes!! Maybe when my nephews arrive later next month. Woo hoo!!!

I have seriously been looking into eating RAW. I was considering it before I became ill a couple of years ago. I know it's time consuming. The benefits are amazing! Plus, I am so excited about the possibilities of what I can make. I have decided to incorporate some of these new dishes into my Thanksgiving menu. I can not wait!

What I Worry About Sometimes.

I have panic moments. I worry people I used to know or have some kind of relationship will find me. There are a few guys I dated I wish would move far away or become invisible to the rest of the world. It is such a small, small world. I have run into people who are cool and like the same bands I do...only to find out they are friends with an Ex.

Not just an Ex, but an evil Ex. An Ex who made me miserable, played a lot of mind games on me and then, had the gall to tell everyone he came in contact with that I was the crazy one. I'm not the one on meds, by the way. I worry people will think bad of me due to someone else's mental episodes. I work myself up over it. Though I don't think I'd bad mouth those people. I'd like just to let it go, to realize we have (hopefully) both grown and changed and are different, better people.

After I'm done over-thinking it all too much, I realize, it doesn't matter anyway. At the end of the day, I am the one who looks into the mirror and is happy with who I have become. I pay my own bills. You know what else? I am human. So I made a few mistakes. Piss off if you don't like it.

A Nap and Juice

I can't seem to keep track of the days. This year is almost over. I am amazed. I have yet to go out and get my Halloween costume. I'm in a funk. Life is moving slow. I'm not working. I'm not writing. I'm not socializing. maybe I'm just tired. I feel like I need to stay in bed for a couple of days.

I already know I'll be alone on Halloween. I am used to these thoughts. Sometimes it's still an uncomfortable thought. What do I do with all the silence in my head when the outside world is screaming at me?

I'm Not Waiting To Die

Today I was overcome with a little cloud of blue. I'm not sure why. Was it the phone call from my Sister, to my Mom? I overheard my Mom's responses and laughter. Funny, how I knew EXACTLY what my Sister had asked her on the other end. *sigh* I wish she'd stop it! But she won't and somewhere in my head I am going to have to compromise.

My Sister wanted to know if I had met anyone, if there was a new boyfriend, with hopes of kids soon. That's what she asked my Mom. She was grilling Mom for evidence. Have I been staying out later than usual? Dressing differently? Going out on dates? My Mom wouldn't know these things....I don't think. I am very private about my private life. Why? It's because I don't enjoy the sisterly grilling. Maybe if she went back to her old, old ways (before marriage life and kids) of smoking dope; she'd get off my nuts? (I am secretly wishing for a big time job at Starbucks for their benefits. Did you know they have a plan to help you adopt, if you're interested? I'm not lying. Check their site yourself. It's in the career section.)

Which spike in my life fucked me up so bad that I can't handle being in my own body and dating? Maybe it was the kids in grade school making fun of my limp and mirroring the way I used to walk to get a rise out of every one. Or was it the Ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me with girls who looked like strippers and wore 5 layers of make-up. I was never pretty enough.( I hardly even wear make-up. Oddly enough, I have a natural eyeshadow look to my lids, but there's nothing on them. I do love my lipsticks.) Was it the kid who saw my scars and kept yelling at me,"what's wrong with you?", even though I chose to ignore him. He was a child, I was a teenager. I should have thrown a rock at his head. Or the men my age who scoff at me because I am not their Barbie doll fantasy with spikey heels and short gowns. Yea, it's rather difficult to wear heels when you have a birth defect. Of course, if I snap at you and tell you this, I'm the unfeeling asshole.

Maybe it's all of the fucking above. I have a right to be pissed off some days. Some days I just am. Some days I hurt because I can't run the 2 miles I so desperately want to, in order to be in better shape and have stronger muscle tone so my body does not fail me. It just works out that way. Tonight I will probably cry myself to sleep, while listening to Jeff Buckley. I hope to inhale his beauty. Tommorrow I'm gonna slip my Vans on, smear on a coat of my fave lipstick and I'm gonna go dancing. I'll bet you $5 I'll have more fun than you and I'll do it smiling.