I am wrecked. I have been processing from that last healing. I am feeling weighed down by sadness. I don't know why I am sad. I don't know what to do with myself today. I want to lie in bed and meditate, listen to This Mortal Coil and paint. I doubt I'll do it. I may just curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe I need to...I don't do well with emotional moments. I feel like I have been on emotional-life pause for a long time. Everything feels surreal. I know I am not doing enough with my life, but I physically can't do much right now. If only my mind would breakdown, too. Yet, not in a mental way. More of a mini-vacation. I don't even know what I am saying today. I wish I could decipher my own smoke signals.
Years ago, I sat on a beach in San Diego and meditated. I was asking the Universe what I should do with my life? what would make me happy and money? All I kept hearing was the same line from a Wonder Stuff song "Maybe" looping in my head. I'd clear my mind and try again. Nope, same message. "....maybe I should be a writer..." So I repacked my car and drove back to the Bay Area. I mentally settled myself to write. I'm back at square one. Except now I actualy believe people will read what I write. Even if I am left in silence, in my own world, I plan on being a ripple in the pond, affecting thousands.
Much love to you, I know you need it.
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