Dreams, Hello????

I can't remember you.

I am wrecked. I need to stop using , choosing those words. I've been in a lot of physical pain. Partially because my job is physical. The pain is a bit emotional; I'm angry because I have such a shit job. I'm storing that anger in my body. All not good. I had to finally ask a friend for help. She worked on me for close to two hours;Cranial, NER, Hendreckson, etc...

After the session, I could hardly stay up. I felt like I needed to sleep for two days. I didn't even think about food even though I'd onnly eaten an apple earlier. All I wanted was my bed. Instead I went to the bf's house and we drove off for food. I needed his hugs,too. Those are always healing.

I needed to sleep because I needed my body to catch up to the healing process. I need to work, to fuction, to continue with life. I wanted to go out but I pysically couldn't do it. My bf had to help me undress and dress for bed and I cried. I cried because I have a difficult time allowing anyone to see me like this. Much less him helping me dress for bed. I slept hard that night. I went somewhere far away. I dreamt dreams I can't recall...only pieces float through my mind. Pieces like body parts, caves, sea journeys, but not a thing I can put together.

Today I woke up late. I slept in LATE. For me, nowadays, 10:30AM is late. I couldn't move from the bed. I was in deep sleep coma. All parts of me were aching. I couldn't walk fast or stand long....meaning.....I had to miss The Warped Tour. *sadness* No choice. Physically, there was no way I could walk around all day, stand or be in the sun. I have discovered, ever since my "coma", I can't let my body become overheated. Even running around doing errands can be too much sun for me and then, my head begins to throb. The sun issue along with the body not working right all pointed to having to stay home and rest.

I didn't stay in bed all day and wallow. Instead, I got up slowly and went to the movies with my lovely bf. We grabbed food and watched "Nancy Drew". I liked it!! Spent the day doing some errands. But I did become over-heated. Even a random guy at the video store asked me if I was okay. Dang, that bad,huh? Went to my bf's house and slept. There were many more crazy dreams. Ones I can't recall.

The best part of the day was waking up, watching You Tube; Hong Kong Phooey, Atom Ant, Captain Caveman. There was way too much food consumed and now I am off to bed. Who knows when I'll wake up (I'm watching old school Batman on AMC now.) ? Prolly just in time for work.
I care so little about work lately that I rarely iron my clothes. They are lucky I even showed up! I have gone on job interviews. I am hoping for the best. I do feel I'll end up where I need to for the time being. Patience. It's a difficult task when you are financially struggling though. Regardless of everything, today was a good day cuz I was happy. Maybe tomorrow I'll recall my dreams.

My Sister's Keeper

I haven't spoken to one of my friends in a long time. Possibly close to 2 years. Years ago, she told me she didn't want to deal with any of the negative stuff of my life because she deals with that stuff at work. (She's a social worker.) Anything else is ok though. Gee, thanks! Slowly, I've stopped sharing things with her. At first, it was small things. Then, when I became ill 2 years ago, I stopped all contact.

It didn't happen right away. It took a couple of months. I had sent out a group e-mail informing my friends why I'd dropped out of the social scene. I did go into some details. I didn't try to downplay my condition; I didn't want people to over-worry either. Not a simple task. This particular friend completely ignored me. My birthday came along and she didn't get me anything. So I stopped seeing her. I stopped making an effort to call her or let her know what was/is going on in my life. Besides, it was probably too negative for her.

A few weeks ago I received an e-mail from her. It was 2 sentences...something about how this book was so moving and amazing and it made her cry. "Only the second book to make me cry in my life." It was "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. It's about a girl who was conceived to be her sister's genetic bank. Anytime her sister needs bone marrow or blood stem cells, she's in the hospital,too. Neither of the girl's have friends because they are always in the hospital. I read this lame book in a few hours. I wasn't that moved. Later, I was pissed.

This book, the one about a girl and her health issues is the one that moved my friend. Yet, she can't be a part of my life because it's all too much for her. I don't get a 'Get Well' card or anything. Fuck her! I just hope that none of her kids ever end up with serious health issues. She might abandon them since it would mean her life wasn't all about fake rainbows and butterflies. I didn't even respond to her e-mail. Nor am I including her in my life. She doesn't even know where I'm working, that I'm starting school on Monday or that I have and have had a boyfriend for awhile. I can't believe she doesn't see the insult in her e-mailing me. WTF?!?

Get Out!!!

I am positive I am not the only massage therapist with the following issue; a client will come in and become a regular (yea, for us!), and then, will proceed to talk more. Talking makes the time go faster. Please talk to me during a 90 minute massage. Especially, after I have finished a 60 minute one.

When I am actively working on alleviating your pain, lulling you into relaxation, someone will say to me,"Oh, it's so hard to find a good therapist. My old one, Leon, he was the best I ever had. God, he was good. I wish he hadn't moved." So what the fuck am I? chopped ham?

At that point, I want to not continue and go get coffee. I could be enjoying a day in the sun or the rain, have some quality time for myself. That's like saying, during sex with a new partner, "My ex-girlfriend used to give me the best head. God, I loved her mouth." Yea, what do you think would happen to you then? My point exactly.

Sunny Outside, Grey on the Inside

Today would have been my grandma's birthday. I was at work, in the middle of my second massage of the day. Maybe it was the vibe of the woman I was working on....I can't say for sure...I started to cry. Had to snap myself out of it. I can't cry on a client.

All I wanted to do was crawl into bed, drink cider and eat chips.