I'm kinda numb right now. I want to leave my house but I also feel like I need to be alone. I'm moving slowly into heartbreak anger. Just little twinges. I know kisses and words are not promises. Actions speak so much truer. Doesn't matter if he cared for me or how much; he left. He's gone,gone,gone.
Just looking at his name pains me. I washed the shirt I was wearing the last time I saw him. I cried because it no longer smelled like him. Yet, I could feel his energy all over it. I threw it in the far end of the closet. It'll be awhile before I care wear that one. How do I shake this off? How do people do this?
Tuesday, June 23rd ended up being our last real night together. I'd sent a text earlier in the day and received no reply. Wasn't phased. He'd ignore them now because he wanted to be clear of me. At 1:57Pm, J replied,"Can u come by my place instead? I do want to see u. And sides thought u were bringin me some food. Sir is hungry!"
I hadn't cooked like I had previously planned for him. I figured it would cost me more than taking him out and I was too sad. I was also nervous, shaking with fear. I still had the letter and cd for him. I also enclosed "The Power of Now" and a Poet's notebook - a blank notebook with quotes from Poet's.
The cd;
The Replacements "I'll Be You"
Audreye Sessions "Relentless"
Joseph Arthur "In The Sun"
Incubus "Monuments & Melodies
Material Issue "Everything
She Wants Revenge "Us"
Incubus "Pantomine"
J.Arthur "Ashes Everywhere"
She Wants Revenge "Tear Us Apart"
Incubus "Stellar"
Juliette and the Licks "This I Know"
NIN "The Fragile"
I suppose the one line that sums it all up is from J & the Licks ,"I'm your girl and your my man, this illusion is all I know....."
What J didn't know is that earlier I was out to lunch with my friend. I felt so anxious about giving Sir the package that my friend decided to leave it on his back porch for me. We drove by and she left it around 3:00PM. J was still at work. He was texting, asking to see me and I was doubting he'd want to after getting his packet and opening it.
-----------------------------------
My letter;
"My Love, My Dearest Grinch,
who knew? Who would have ever guessed it would have taken You to make my heart feel again? Feel for the first time in 10 yrs. I adore you greatly. Happiness is all I ask for you - even if it means never being in your arms again. I feel like the Hoover Dam with a growing fracture - the water slowly trickles.....soon to burst open. Wishing to wash me away.
Wish I could bury my face into your skin so I could press your scent into the cells of my memory.
Maybe in some other dimension....I'm allowed the luxury of sharing the sun & sand with you....a house, a daughter, a dog (bec w/ur past, it has to be a girl). I'm trying to take comfort in this thought.
I know the waters of FL are healing. It's why I originally went there.....couldn't wait to throw myself in the waters and wash the old me away. I know it worked on some level,but all the signs said to return.
You are beginning a diff. chapter, a new life. u said u always liked that I'm honest with u. I know u didn't mean it so but I hate being told how sweet I am. Every man who's ever told me that has left me. Fully embrace this new version of J. If you need me, I'll be around.
You know I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. I'd have taken care of you every step of the way - if u allowed me in. I'd have cleaned stitches,cooked meat (u know how I love that), done ur laundry, washed ur hair. Whatever u needed of me. All that I have is yours. You might discover a new side of you that you love. You have so much to offer this world. I love all sides of you unconditionally/ I just don't have to agree with them all,Mister?;)
.....I promised I wouldn't run from you. I want ALL those last kisses, giggles & words. you made me feel safe. My Sanctuary. Haven't felt that way in so long. You've given me SO much in such a short time. thank you. You are the ripple in my pond & I love you for it, my lovely man, J. Blessings.
Wish I could keep all my minutes w/u in a locket worn around my neck. That way I can keep them close to me & so I'll never forget the simplest of things. Yes, Love, you can fuck half the world (& I can be another notch) but none of them will be ME. None of them will show you what's in my eyes when I look at you. This. You. Know.
........I don't know how to describe how I feel about you leaving. I've a sense of peace about it. No regrets. Bittersweet. I wish I had two seasons to love you right......I'll miss your beautiful face, your cheek pressed to mine, holding you. I love running my fingers over your cheekbones, the softness of your skin. That is such a delight to my fingertips, my life.'kiss me like you lost and you found me'.....................I love you,J. Like it or not."
---------------------------------------
J got home earlier than expected. At 4:34PM I received this tm," Wow. Wasn't expecting all that. Thank u. Look if u don't want to see me tonite that's cool. The one letter sounded angry."
There was another enclosed 1 pager. I don't think it was angry but he took it that way. I'm Latina. We are fiery. Deal!
I - "If u don't want to c me, that's fine. As u wish..."
J - "um ok I never said that."
I - "Didn't say u said that? It's an option. Want me to take u 2 dinner?"
J-"Well yea Im hungry lol And I'm home now. just call when u get out front."
I was at his door by 5:06PM.
I took him to Flames. It was still Happy Hour. I could drink and eat for cheap. I told him to order his steak. He'd be stuck on the road eating road food. Bleh. Dinner wasn't bad. I eat very little now. The sadness is slowly making me thin. Hurrah!!
After dinner, I took him to Azucar. I wanted him to try a mojito. They make the best $9 ones in a variety of yummy flavours like coconut, pineapple, mango, watermelon. Amazing. All you need is one. He began with a kiwi-strawberry mojito. After the first one, I knew it was getting to him. I stuck to water. Someone had to drive. The bartender, David, had rented "The Warriors". So there we were in a Latin bar watching..... J is loud. Unlike me. He can be obnxious. He's entertaining. He chatted up the bartender. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the bartender's gf calls me for waxing because I need the money. Why couldn't J chat up all the bars in the city before he left? He'd have left me with a huge jump in income.
While at Azucar, we had a stupid moment and talked about having kids. I said something about beautiful mixed babies. I know it pains J deep. He won't admit it but his face and his voice show so much more emotion than he realizes. J said,"I can't have kids." I hugged him and said,"There are other ways. That's not the only way to be a family." At one point,J's Dad had agreed to donate sperm if he really wanted kids. Hey, there's a genius gene in the family. I'd want it.
I said to J,"Well, you think about it and if you decide you want to do it. I only have 8 years and then, I'm done."
I followed this by stating,"That might be the time you hear my Mom use a swear word. I'd be trying to explain it...'Well,J's not here and I've got his Dad's sperm....."
J was laughing hysterically. "It would be!"
I said,"Yeah, but the next day, I'd have armfuls of baby blankets and shirts."
About 8:45PM. we headed back to J's. He was drunk. It was highly amusing. the intention was to make a midnight showing of "Transformers 2", in Union City. All my friends were there. My concern was keeping J up too late. Worried that over-taxing his system will affect his heart and that would be my fault. Yet, somehow he always seems to talk me into sex. Don't think it didn't scare the hell out of me in the beginning.
I was trying to convince him to take a nap. He wasn't tired. As we were cuddled up in bed, J began to talk about leaving and I lost it. I had been doing so well. I don't know what happened that day. J said,"Don't know if this is gonna work out. Don't know what'll happen in the future with us." I was too busy crying to say,"Fuck You." When a person has that much doubt, isn't it a sign of things to come? I think he loves me and doesn't want to admit it.
J said to me the words that will stay with him for life were the ones I wrote him. See, I inspired him to go ahead and take this journey of self-discovery. "Reinvent Yourself." Damn, I am good...too good. I broke my own heart.
He called me,"Mi Amour" and went very silent. I pretended I didn't hear it. Why complicate things? It's all already fucked up. He'd also made a comment like,"No matter how much of a prick I am , you're still sweet to me." It sounded as if he were in disbelief.
I replied,"Yeah, it's called unconditional love."
We didn't end up leaving the house until about 10:10PM. Later than I was striving for but he was unfocused and hard to get out the door. I warned him we may not be able to get in. Seems all showing had sold out but my friend told me to get there ASAP.
We snuck in! They'd been saving us a couple of seats, one of them came out handed us torn tickets and all we had to do was buy popcorn. HA! J was set! I had told him earlier he wasn't getting popcorn. Now it was like a dream come true. All in all it only cost me $14.50. Sweet!! I love my friends.
J finally met one of my best mates, Cathy. They both had been hearing so much about one another. This was the first meeting and the last. We talked about art and comics, ComicCon, books while waiting for the movie to begin. J informed Cathy if any boy harmed me, he'd be on a plane fast. J said to Cathy,"I wouldn't kill him. He'd wish I had." In the military, J was referred to as "The Human Lie Detector." I know he did horrible things to people. Nothing to do with me so I don't judge. That's love,even if he won't say it. It's also the male ego. Doubt it counts.
I felt naked without makeup. I asked Cathy if she had her bag. J hates me with glittery eyeshadow because it sticks to him and is very difficult to get off. Seems people at work have noticed. LOL. When Cathy gave me the bag, J nudged me,"You have enough on. You're beautiful without it." I closed the bag, rolled my eyes and handed it back to Cathy. I said,"I'm not allowed. Sir says no." J chuckled,"That was cute."
The end of the movie was difficult to get through. J was having flashbacks. Yea, military for screwing up the men in my world. He was squeezing the hell out of my arm. I didn't pay much attention to it. I was worried I'd have to grab him and run out.
Movie was long! Out at 3AM. Drove home and Sir was very chatty and hyper. As soon as I dropped him off he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He had to be up in 2 hours for work. He wouldn't allow me to sleep next to him. Mean. Whatever. He did admit to flashing back in the movie and having a stressful moment. I just held him. Not much else I can do. He asked that I let him sleep all Wednesday. We would go out on Thursday. I got home at 3:26AM, going into Wednesday morning.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Maybe New Orleans
J had lived in my city a bit over a year, prior to my meeting him. When he first moved here, he came out with a Girl. The Girl is into living as a Sub. I never asked details. I figure it's not my business. I knew he still spoke to her. I knew he regretted the way they parted.
J asked her to move with him without a solid plan. They were struggling to live and eat. One day he came home from work and she was gone. I'm sure it devastated him to come home to an empty place. He spoke to one of her friends. She told him it was because the girl had felt like a burden and didn't want to see him struggle anymore. She didn't know how to discuss it with him so she left. That was in December.
I guess around March there was another woman in J's life. She was the one brave enough to answer his personal ad. Lesson!
When J and I would talk...somewhere in there The Girl did come up in conversation. They still spoke and texted. I could tell when he spoke of her that it pained him. The way things ended and how he couldn't take care of her. I heard regret thick in his throat. Didn't know Girl was only 19.
I do believe in Fate and Signs and gut feelings. Definately. Well, J took my words to heart. He says the two words that will always stay with him and be in his heart are ,"Reinvent Yourself." Damn, me for being so amazing. A few days after J got the test results, Girl called him. She vowed her love and asked him to come home. They had a big heart to heart. My heart was being kicked around the room.
So out of curiosity, J did a job search. He was almost instantly hired, with much higher salary. Plus, Florida has the perfect waters to dive in. He could make a life there. He could buy a boat and teach people to dive. He'd be able to go for a swim before and after work. Plus, he'd have his Sub Girl.
J wrote me a very long e-mail explaining much of this. The kick in the teeth was - had I stayed here, things would be different for you and I. Oh, false hope. It's so easy to say that shit when you're walking out on me. J repeatedly would tell me,"You're so sweet." I'd reply,"Stop it!" Why? because every man who has ever said that to me has left me. J said whatever was left of his heart yearned for her.
This may sound odd but I don't feel threatened or bothered by the thought of her. I don't see it working. I think J's ego feels like he needs to make things right and show her he can take care of her. Plus, he's moving into her house with her parents. He doesn't have to do anything, just show up. About 6 days before Sir left, Girl turned 20.
J and I always said we'd take things day by day. I never knew if I'd hug him goodnight and he'd die in his sleep. Or if he went to work and would suddenly stop breathing. every moment was a gift. I really connected to myself thru him. I learned to be fully in the Now, had this fantastic Nirvana moment. But it still hurts....because all I want more than anything is to touch his face.
J asked her to move with him without a solid plan. They were struggling to live and eat. One day he came home from work and she was gone. I'm sure it devastated him to come home to an empty place. He spoke to one of her friends. She told him it was because the girl had felt like a burden and didn't want to see him struggle anymore. She didn't know how to discuss it with him so she left. That was in December.
I guess around March there was another woman in J's life. She was the one brave enough to answer his personal ad. Lesson!
When J and I would talk...somewhere in there The Girl did come up in conversation. They still spoke and texted. I could tell when he spoke of her that it pained him. The way things ended and how he couldn't take care of her. I heard regret thick in his throat. Didn't know Girl was only 19.
I do believe in Fate and Signs and gut feelings. Definately. Well, J took my words to heart. He says the two words that will always stay with him and be in his heart are ,"Reinvent Yourself." Damn, me for being so amazing. A few days after J got the test results, Girl called him. She vowed her love and asked him to come home. They had a big heart to heart. My heart was being kicked around the room.
So out of curiosity, J did a job search. He was almost instantly hired, with much higher salary. Plus, Florida has the perfect waters to dive in. He could make a life there. He could buy a boat and teach people to dive. He'd be able to go for a swim before and after work. Plus, he'd have his Sub Girl.
J wrote me a very long e-mail explaining much of this. The kick in the teeth was - had I stayed here, things would be different for you and I. Oh, false hope. It's so easy to say that shit when you're walking out on me. J repeatedly would tell me,"You're so sweet." I'd reply,"Stop it!" Why? because every man who has ever said that to me has left me. J said whatever was left of his heart yearned for her.
This may sound odd but I don't feel threatened or bothered by the thought of her. I don't see it working. I think J's ego feels like he needs to make things right and show her he can take care of her. Plus, he's moving into her house with her parents. He doesn't have to do anything, just show up. About 6 days before Sir left, Girl turned 20.
J and I always said we'd take things day by day. I never knew if I'd hug him goodnight and he'd die in his sleep. Or if he went to work and would suddenly stop breathing. every moment was a gift. I really connected to myself thru him. I learned to be fully in the Now, had this fantastic Nirvana moment. But it still hurts....because all I want more than anything is to touch his face.
Where's ,J? Galveston?? Perhaps.
J kept doing a push and pull with me. One day wanting to spend it all with me. The next having no time to see me. Not completely true. I decided to test it. On a day he swore there was no way I could see him, I was bad and sent him a suggestive text. Of course, the phone rang about 10 minutes later. I said,"Hello."
J- "You are a big tease."
I-"Not if I do what I said." He laughed.
He said he was going to go to Kragen's and get something for his car. The same car he'd be driving across the State. Said he'd call me back in an hour.
In the meantime, I was busy writing a letter for him It turned into a 3 page hardcore love letter. I don't think I've ever written one so open and honest. It flowed without fear. I told you I am an open wound. I even made him a cd of music. (Yes, "Nick & Norah" jokes here. #12 Road to Closure.) I'm a nut when it comes to letters. Fancy paper and ribbon and more fancy paper and maybe flower petals or stickers. I'd bought velum and black envelopes. I was hoping to have it finished before he called me back. No luck. He called me in less than an hour. Damn.
He was searching for a new phone battery. His second task of the evening. He asked if I knew a place. I tried to explain it to him It was easier if he just picked me up. He agreed. He was less than 10 minutes from my house. J asked me to wait outside. I hurried and changed clothes. No makeup today, which he preferred. We ran all over the place.
On a bench outside of Macy's, J made me sit. He seemed a little sad. J said,"Look, when I get set on moving I get tunnel vision. I can get mean. I don't want you to see me like that."
I reassured him that I was okay with him leaving.
J-"You make it harder to leave."
I was kinda shocked. But not hard enough.....
J dragged me all over Santana Row and Valley Fair. No luck in his search. This running around was taking a toll on my left side. My leg was numb and I was getting a little slower. Later, we were in the car and I'm not sure what I said but he smacked my leg. I said,"HA! That leg's numb." Sometimes I think I make him uncomfortable.
On our way to Walmart to look for things he didn't need or wasn't going to buy, we found a yummy taco place. SO good! I will return there. It was the first time I'd ever eaten in fron of J. I don't eat much at times. Especially, when I'm emotionally upset. I had one taco and an Horchata. J paid. Another date?? Ssssssh.
Walmart had nothing for us. We got back in the car. But J kissed me and we kept kissing. It was sweet. J said to me,"I can't believe I'm this turned on."
I replied,"That's because you deprived me of your company." We had a fun makeout session in the parking lot. I KNOW he will think of me as he drives passed Walmarts. There are plenty of them throughout the States.
He drove me back to my house so I could pick up my car and follow him to his new place. He moved into a house on 13th Street and Santa Clara. It was like a hostel. Ten college,hippie kids. All very chill. 8 girls and 2 guys. Just knowing where he was at now gave me a sense of peace. He was safe.
At the house, he sang some of his fave songs and told me stories. Just like the first night we met. Full circle. My back was against the wall, he sat in between my legs with his head against my chest. He reached back to take my hands in his and said,"I know you're upset about me leaving."
I replied,"What's it matter?"
I wasn't trying to be cruel. It's simple, if he really wanted to stay and be loved by me and love me and change his life, he would have. In front of him, I did my best to never cry. Only in the comfort of my room or in front of my friends did I burst into tears. I'm a scratched record now. I feel sorry for my friends.
J said,"It matters to me."
I- "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. No one else does."
Again, not to be cruel but I am the one person who can take care of myself. I ask nothing of no one...well, til now.
This conversation led to sex. With him I just enjoyed holding him. J loves to nuzzle and cuddle. I'm the opposite. Once when we were cuddled up, I said,"I don't cuddle."
J - "You're doing it now."
I- "Yea, I hate it."
J-"You're so cuddly."
I-"Hate it. Like you."
See, I'm amusing.
After sex, he held me. It was lovely to see the lines in his face come alive. I felt a lot more peaceful than I thought I would. Touching his face is such a luxury for me. I don't know why. I could do it all day. It's so good to be that close to him. Or was....
.....I'm just hoping writing this all out will ease the pain in my heart.
Today I called my Sister. I just couldn't stop crying. I called in sick to work and slept and cried. I ate one meal today. When I was crying so much all I could think was,"I need my Sister!" It felt very similar to the time I got so ill everyone thought I was going to die. That's how bad I feel. Only she can hold me and ground me.
I tried so hard to not burst into tears. My Sister asked,"What's going on?"
I replied,"Nothing." But she already knew it was all bad.
I caught her up on J. He left Saturday morning. I last saw him Friday. Left his house around midnight. My Sister said I'd been heavy on her mind Friday and Saturday. My entire family has these crazy vibes. I don't know...psychic vibes. During certain times it's smart to listen to them
My Sister says as he drives along he will feel how much more he misses me. More than he thought. She asked,"Would you move to Florida?"
I - "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
Sister -"Cause I see it happening. I see him asking you to come out."
I-"Maybe for a visit and if he pays for it."
But J has his journey,too. I need to respect that. More on that journey tomorrow.
J- "You are a big tease."
I-"Not if I do what I said." He laughed.
He said he was going to go to Kragen's and get something for his car. The same car he'd be driving across the State. Said he'd call me back in an hour.
In the meantime, I was busy writing a letter for him It turned into a 3 page hardcore love letter. I don't think I've ever written one so open and honest. It flowed without fear. I told you I am an open wound. I even made him a cd of music. (Yes, "Nick & Norah" jokes here. #12 Road to Closure.) I'm a nut when it comes to letters. Fancy paper and ribbon and more fancy paper and maybe flower petals or stickers. I'd bought velum and black envelopes. I was hoping to have it finished before he called me back. No luck. He called me in less than an hour. Damn.
He was searching for a new phone battery. His second task of the evening. He asked if I knew a place. I tried to explain it to him It was easier if he just picked me up. He agreed. He was less than 10 minutes from my house. J asked me to wait outside. I hurried and changed clothes. No makeup today, which he preferred. We ran all over the place.
On a bench outside of Macy's, J made me sit. He seemed a little sad. J said,"Look, when I get set on moving I get tunnel vision. I can get mean. I don't want you to see me like that."
I reassured him that I was okay with him leaving.
J-"You make it harder to leave."
I was kinda shocked. But not hard enough.....
J dragged me all over Santana Row and Valley Fair. No luck in his search. This running around was taking a toll on my left side. My leg was numb and I was getting a little slower. Later, we were in the car and I'm not sure what I said but he smacked my leg. I said,"HA! That leg's numb." Sometimes I think I make him uncomfortable.
On our way to Walmart to look for things he didn't need or wasn't going to buy, we found a yummy taco place. SO good! I will return there. It was the first time I'd ever eaten in fron of J. I don't eat much at times. Especially, when I'm emotionally upset. I had one taco and an Horchata. J paid. Another date?? Ssssssh.
Walmart had nothing for us. We got back in the car. But J kissed me and we kept kissing. It was sweet. J said to me,"I can't believe I'm this turned on."
I replied,"That's because you deprived me of your company." We had a fun makeout session in the parking lot. I KNOW he will think of me as he drives passed Walmarts. There are plenty of them throughout the States.
He drove me back to my house so I could pick up my car and follow him to his new place. He moved into a house on 13th Street and Santa Clara. It was like a hostel. Ten college,hippie kids. All very chill. 8 girls and 2 guys. Just knowing where he was at now gave me a sense of peace. He was safe.
At the house, he sang some of his fave songs and told me stories. Just like the first night we met. Full circle. My back was against the wall, he sat in between my legs with his head against my chest. He reached back to take my hands in his and said,"I know you're upset about me leaving."
I replied,"What's it matter?"
I wasn't trying to be cruel. It's simple, if he really wanted to stay and be loved by me and love me and change his life, he would have. In front of him, I did my best to never cry. Only in the comfort of my room or in front of my friends did I burst into tears. I'm a scratched record now. I feel sorry for my friends.
J said,"It matters to me."
I- "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. No one else does."
Again, not to be cruel but I am the one person who can take care of myself. I ask nothing of no one...well, til now.
This conversation led to sex. With him I just enjoyed holding him. J loves to nuzzle and cuddle. I'm the opposite. Once when we were cuddled up, I said,"I don't cuddle."
J - "You're doing it now."
I- "Yea, I hate it."
J-"You're so cuddly."
I-"Hate it. Like you."
See, I'm amusing.
After sex, he held me. It was lovely to see the lines in his face come alive. I felt a lot more peaceful than I thought I would. Touching his face is such a luxury for me. I don't know why. I could do it all day. It's so good to be that close to him. Or was....
.....I'm just hoping writing this all out will ease the pain in my heart.
Today I called my Sister. I just couldn't stop crying. I called in sick to work and slept and cried. I ate one meal today. When I was crying so much all I could think was,"I need my Sister!" It felt very similar to the time I got so ill everyone thought I was going to die. That's how bad I feel. Only she can hold me and ground me.
I tried so hard to not burst into tears. My Sister asked,"What's going on?"
I replied,"Nothing." But she already knew it was all bad.
I caught her up on J. He left Saturday morning. I last saw him Friday. Left his house around midnight. My Sister said I'd been heavy on her mind Friday and Saturday. My entire family has these crazy vibes. I don't know...psychic vibes. During certain times it's smart to listen to them
My Sister says as he drives along he will feel how much more he misses me. More than he thought. She asked,"Would you move to Florida?"
I - "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
Sister -"Cause I see it happening. I see him asking you to come out."
I-"Maybe for a visit and if he pays for it."
But J has his journey,too. I need to respect that. More on that journey tomorrow.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I'm Jealous of Texas
By now, Sir maybe in the state of Texas. I keep trying not to be sad. Really. Except, all I end up doing is bursting into tears. I don't like being this human. I'm not thrilled about how I feel right now. Maybe one day or so they tell me.
I'm not even sure how these emotions crept up on me. Suddenly, it was there. I had no choice but to give in. In his arms I felt complete safe, alive and grateful. At first J was a secret. I told no one about him. Maybe I should have kept it that way. It would have been easier to forget. I finally mentioned him to my Sister. She asked me if I thought I was supposed to heal him. I replied,"No." Then, she asked if I thought he was supposed to heal me. I replied,"Maybe."
J has died three times. There is zero logic for why this man is alive. He's had 14 surgeries. Scars run like a roadmap throughout his pelvis. He was brutally electrocuted once. Nerves in his spinal column were severed and he was told he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. When he was about 17, he had a horrendous motorcycle accident. The left side of his face was left hanging. His entire face has been reconstructed. To me, it's the most beautiful face. A piece of his heart dislodged and slowly made it's way under the scar tissue under his occipital bone. This time he had a stroke. This explains the slight lispy moments he has and the pull in his lip. He is nothing but perfection to me.
The night of the BBQ, J was sitting to my left. It felt so natural to take my left hand and place it on the side of his face and caress it. He let me touch him for a few minutes. When I let go, J said,"You have no idea what you just did for me." I didn't. It wasn't until much later I found out he had a deep,deep fear of the dentist and didn't like his face touched. This explains the crooked teeth. I was the first person to touch his face and caress it ever so lovingly and J finally felt safe to allow it to happen.
One night, I decided to take J out to the movies. I knew he'd just paid a chunk of medical bills. I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted to go out and have fun. It took a little convincing. J said,"You're going to be seen in public with me."
I said,"Yes."
J said,"Like a date."
I replied,"Is that what you call it? I don't really want to think about it. I just wanna go out. So let's go."
It was comical. I refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I refused to say we were dating. Why? I guess I thought if I didn't use those words I'd make it through unscathed. Oh, so wrong. The joke's on me.
We got to the movies and he asked if I'd buy him popcorn. I told him if I were a guy this is where I would just say "blowjob." He laughed. J always said I was like no girl I'd ever met. We were amicable and honest at all times. Yes, I bought his popcorn and a drink. He asked for extra butter and he piled on salt. YUCK! But he was so,so happy. Anything for him. He's loud during movies. I mean LOUD. Yet, I sat next to him.
I knew J was having a rough time with all of this. The pills, the tests, the uncertainty. I was his calm. I wrote him a letter. My first semi-love letter in years. Before we'd left to the movie, he had to pull his laundry out of the dryer. I slipped the letter underneath his pillow. He'd find it eventually.
This was my letter to him J;
"I know. I took you for a turn. You weren't expecting me. Nor I you. like I said - You are everything I never knew I needed - from the first kiss.
Dearest Love,
from moment one, I feel like you found me. I adore you. It's ok for you to be scared. Tell no one. I think, you are worth a damn. You've told me time & time again, how you are every inch of evil I can never imagine.....I don't care. I'm concerned with the moment I fall into your arms & your lips meet mine.
Te deseo, mi Lindo.
Life is changing & you can't control everything no matter how much you want to. the world will keep spinning even when you lose control. It'll all be ok. Promise. Even if I'm gone.
I don't know if I can be everything you desire. nor if you can be my everything. I just know, right now, it's a perfect fit. OUR version of perfect. A new reality. Perhaps it's time you reinvented yourself, Love, like all great icons.
I mean you no harm, no wrong. I solely seek your company. the light that shines brightly within & torturously turns the knife (or key) around my heart.
I firmly believe in having zero regrets. So I don't want to run from you. I'm not your past. I'm not your future.I'm just in front of you now. Be fully in this moment with me. I can't imagine what a day looks like without you now,Love. I want so much good for you,my heart aches. You can be the biggest bastard to the world, but to me you will only leave me with lingering kisses.
Shed your old skin. Make a new one. But I will never ask you to lose sight of yourself because everything that has made you up to now is the reason I long to be in your arms. "
This letter came back to haunt me. I'm sure it would have happened sooner or later. I did spend a moment kicking myself for writing a great letter. The dice was in motion.
After the movie, on our way to the car, we walked by the Cheesecake Factory. J doesn't like sweets but he loves cherry cheesecake. I only discovered this because we walked by the restaurant. The next day was a big testing day. We'd find out if J was going to have to have his chest cracked open and have this leak repaired. I'd have to learn how to take care of him and I would do it. I wanted to see him through it all.
I woke up very early the next morning, wondering if I should have called in sick and gone to the doctor's with him. Maybe I should have done it. Got up before work and went to the store and bought supplies. I made J a cherry cheesecake. It was so gross to me. I don't like cheesecake or cherry. I knew it would brighten his day. Earlier in the week I'd bought him flowers. I was the first person in his life to buy him flowers.
After work I rushed over with cheesecake and waited to hear the news. He was in a different mood. He had his diving watch out,too. J hadn't been able to dive in about a year. He was miserable. Diving was his passion above all. His truest love and salvation. The watch held the last hundred dives he'd done. Yes, J was thrilled I was there, thrilled with the gesture of the cheesecake, and thrilled to tell me the news, but something felt foreboding to me. Gut feeling???
He wasn't going to have the surgery. The doctors couldn't find the cause for the leakage so they hoped it would just heal itself. It went from bad to worse to omg, to what the hell? slowly improving. He got the ok to dive again, too. Life was perfect then. Right?
I was barely in the door when J said,"Come here, I owe you a hug." Awwww.
J told me I was sneaky. He found my letter when he was asleep. He had moved in bed and come across it. At first he assumed it was a bill. J told me,"I grabbed it and was going to throw it on the table. But it smelled like you and I stopped." He said,"I felt like the Grinch when I read your letter. My heart actually turned." I laughed at him. I said,"What's up with that? You're allowing me to do all these firsts for you."
J said," I don't know....Maybe you're right, about letting me heart grow."
We were both growing as people. Sounded like maybe we could fall in love and be happy together. Short-lived thought.
This was a Monday and we were planning on having a date on Friday. J wanted to take me out. I was looking forward to it.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. So on Wednesday I sent a text. Nothing major just this;"Hello lovely man, hope u have been doing well & I miss u*besos"
He wrote back,"actualy rough day. Got in argument over rent. Moved out today. Lots of other shit going on too."
I replied,"So sorry 2 hear. Nd anything? have u eaten?"
J said,"Na, just resting. Found a room to rent. I'll call tomorrow after work.We still goin out tomorrow yea?"
Hurrah! all was well.
It wasn't.
My journal entry from June 15th begins like so;
"Hello Heart,
we need to have a talk. A big one. First off, WTF!?!"
J decided to leave. So we'll never know how this story could have ended.
He decided to move back to Florida. The last test day scared him. He didn't want to die alone. He told me over the phone because he'd actually meant to tell me on our date the previous Friday night. But he had to cancel because work was crazy and he was beyond tired. How can I argue with a man who has a fucking hole in his heart?
I spent 37 minutes on the phone with him as he told me of his new plan. I bit my finger to choke back the tears. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. If this is the best way, I can't argue with it. I'm glad he didn't tell me in person. We joked on the phone a lot. In person, I may have thrown myself in front of a car. He decided to leave the 26th of June.
A couple days later I woke up naked, drunk at 5Am, on my floor, craving McVities. I am a giant open wound now. Thanx Vortex. First I can't connect and feel and now I feel I'm attacking myself and want to die in a pit. Ignorance is truly bliss. Bliss me out!
I'm not even sure how these emotions crept up on me. Suddenly, it was there. I had no choice but to give in. In his arms I felt complete safe, alive and grateful. At first J was a secret. I told no one about him. Maybe I should have kept it that way. It would have been easier to forget. I finally mentioned him to my Sister. She asked me if I thought I was supposed to heal him. I replied,"No." Then, she asked if I thought he was supposed to heal me. I replied,"Maybe."
J has died three times. There is zero logic for why this man is alive. He's had 14 surgeries. Scars run like a roadmap throughout his pelvis. He was brutally electrocuted once. Nerves in his spinal column were severed and he was told he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. When he was about 17, he had a horrendous motorcycle accident. The left side of his face was left hanging. His entire face has been reconstructed. To me, it's the most beautiful face. A piece of his heart dislodged and slowly made it's way under the scar tissue under his occipital bone. This time he had a stroke. This explains the slight lispy moments he has and the pull in his lip. He is nothing but perfection to me.
The night of the BBQ, J was sitting to my left. It felt so natural to take my left hand and place it on the side of his face and caress it. He let me touch him for a few minutes. When I let go, J said,"You have no idea what you just did for me." I didn't. It wasn't until much later I found out he had a deep,deep fear of the dentist and didn't like his face touched. This explains the crooked teeth. I was the first person to touch his face and caress it ever so lovingly and J finally felt safe to allow it to happen.
One night, I decided to take J out to the movies. I knew he'd just paid a chunk of medical bills. I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted to go out and have fun. It took a little convincing. J said,"You're going to be seen in public with me."
I said,"Yes."
J said,"Like a date."
I replied,"Is that what you call it? I don't really want to think about it. I just wanna go out. So let's go."
It was comical. I refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I refused to say we were dating. Why? I guess I thought if I didn't use those words I'd make it through unscathed. Oh, so wrong. The joke's on me.
We got to the movies and he asked if I'd buy him popcorn. I told him if I were a guy this is where I would just say "blowjob." He laughed. J always said I was like no girl I'd ever met. We were amicable and honest at all times. Yes, I bought his popcorn and a drink. He asked for extra butter and he piled on salt. YUCK! But he was so,so happy. Anything for him. He's loud during movies. I mean LOUD. Yet, I sat next to him.
I knew J was having a rough time with all of this. The pills, the tests, the uncertainty. I was his calm. I wrote him a letter. My first semi-love letter in years. Before we'd left to the movie, he had to pull his laundry out of the dryer. I slipped the letter underneath his pillow. He'd find it eventually.
This was my letter to him J;
"I know. I took you for a turn. You weren't expecting me. Nor I you. like I said - You are everything I never knew I needed - from the first kiss.
Dearest Love,
from moment one, I feel like you found me. I adore you. It's ok for you to be scared. Tell no one. I think, you are worth a damn. You've told me time & time again, how you are every inch of evil I can never imagine.....I don't care. I'm concerned with the moment I fall into your arms & your lips meet mine.
Te deseo, mi Lindo.
Life is changing & you can't control everything no matter how much you want to. the world will keep spinning even when you lose control. It'll all be ok. Promise. Even if I'm gone.
I don't know if I can be everything you desire. nor if you can be my everything. I just know, right now, it's a perfect fit. OUR version of perfect. A new reality. Perhaps it's time you reinvented yourself, Love, like all great icons.
I mean you no harm, no wrong. I solely seek your company. the light that shines brightly within & torturously turns the knife (or key) around my heart.
I firmly believe in having zero regrets. So I don't want to run from you. I'm not your past. I'm not your future.I'm just in front of you now. Be fully in this moment with me. I can't imagine what a day looks like without you now,Love. I want so much good for you,my heart aches. You can be the biggest bastard to the world, but to me you will only leave me with lingering kisses.
Shed your old skin. Make a new one. But I will never ask you to lose sight of yourself because everything that has made you up to now is the reason I long to be in your arms. "
This letter came back to haunt me. I'm sure it would have happened sooner or later. I did spend a moment kicking myself for writing a great letter. The dice was in motion.
After the movie, on our way to the car, we walked by the Cheesecake Factory. J doesn't like sweets but he loves cherry cheesecake. I only discovered this because we walked by the restaurant. The next day was a big testing day. We'd find out if J was going to have to have his chest cracked open and have this leak repaired. I'd have to learn how to take care of him and I would do it. I wanted to see him through it all.
I woke up very early the next morning, wondering if I should have called in sick and gone to the doctor's with him. Maybe I should have done it. Got up before work and went to the store and bought supplies. I made J a cherry cheesecake. It was so gross to me. I don't like cheesecake or cherry. I knew it would brighten his day. Earlier in the week I'd bought him flowers. I was the first person in his life to buy him flowers.
After work I rushed over with cheesecake and waited to hear the news. He was in a different mood. He had his diving watch out,too. J hadn't been able to dive in about a year. He was miserable. Diving was his passion above all. His truest love and salvation. The watch held the last hundred dives he'd done. Yes, J was thrilled I was there, thrilled with the gesture of the cheesecake, and thrilled to tell me the news, but something felt foreboding to me. Gut feeling???
He wasn't going to have the surgery. The doctors couldn't find the cause for the leakage so they hoped it would just heal itself. It went from bad to worse to omg, to what the hell? slowly improving. He got the ok to dive again, too. Life was perfect then. Right?
I was barely in the door when J said,"Come here, I owe you a hug." Awwww.
J told me I was sneaky. He found my letter when he was asleep. He had moved in bed and come across it. At first he assumed it was a bill. J told me,"I grabbed it and was going to throw it on the table. But it smelled like you and I stopped." He said,"I felt like the Grinch when I read your letter. My heart actually turned." I laughed at him. I said,"What's up with that? You're allowing me to do all these firsts for you."
J said," I don't know....Maybe you're right, about letting me heart grow."
We were both growing as people. Sounded like maybe we could fall in love and be happy together. Short-lived thought.
This was a Monday and we were planning on having a date on Friday. J wanted to take me out. I was looking forward to it.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. So on Wednesday I sent a text. Nothing major just this;"Hello lovely man, hope u have been doing well & I miss u*besos"
He wrote back,"actualy rough day. Got in argument over rent. Moved out today. Lots of other shit going on too."
I replied,"So sorry 2 hear. Nd anything? have u eaten?"
J said,"Na, just resting. Found a room to rent. I'll call tomorrow after work.We still goin out tomorrow yea?"
Hurrah! all was well.
It wasn't.
My journal entry from June 15th begins like so;
"Hello Heart,
we need to have a talk. A big one. First off, WTF!?!"
J decided to leave. So we'll never know how this story could have ended.
He decided to move back to Florida. The last test day scared him. He didn't want to die alone. He told me over the phone because he'd actually meant to tell me on our date the previous Friday night. But he had to cancel because work was crazy and he was beyond tired. How can I argue with a man who has a fucking hole in his heart?
I spent 37 minutes on the phone with him as he told me of his new plan. I bit my finger to choke back the tears. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. If this is the best way, I can't argue with it. I'm glad he didn't tell me in person. We joked on the phone a lot. In person, I may have thrown myself in front of a car. He decided to leave the 26th of June.
A couple days later I woke up naked, drunk at 5Am, on my floor, craving McVities. I am a giant open wound now. Thanx Vortex. First I can't connect and feel and now I feel I'm attacking myself and want to die in a pit. Ignorance is truly bliss. Bliss me out!
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