By now, Sir maybe in the state of Texas. I keep trying not to be sad. Really. Except, all I end up doing is bursting into tears. I don't like being this human. I'm not thrilled about how I feel right now. Maybe one day or so they tell me.
I'm not even sure how these emotions crept up on me. Suddenly, it was there. I had no choice but to give in. In his arms I felt complete safe, alive and grateful. At first J was a secret. I told no one about him. Maybe I should have kept it that way. It would have been easier to forget. I finally mentioned him to my Sister. She asked me if I thought I was supposed to heal him. I replied,"No." Then, she asked if I thought he was supposed to heal me. I replied,"Maybe."
J has died three times. There is zero logic for why this man is alive. He's had 14 surgeries. Scars run like a roadmap throughout his pelvis. He was brutally electrocuted once. Nerves in his spinal column were severed and he was told he would never walk again. He proved them wrong. When he was about 17, he had a horrendous motorcycle accident. The left side of his face was left hanging. His entire face has been reconstructed. To me, it's the most beautiful face. A piece of his heart dislodged and slowly made it's way under the scar tissue under his occipital bone. This time he had a stroke. This explains the slight lispy moments he has and the pull in his lip. He is nothing but perfection to me.
The night of the BBQ, J was sitting to my left. It felt so natural to take my left hand and place it on the side of his face and caress it. He let me touch him for a few minutes. When I let go, J said,"You have no idea what you just did for me." I didn't. It wasn't until much later I found out he had a deep,deep fear of the dentist and didn't like his face touched. This explains the crooked teeth. I was the first person to touch his face and caress it ever so lovingly and J finally felt safe to allow it to happen.
One night, I decided to take J out to the movies. I knew he'd just paid a chunk of medical bills. I didn't want him to feel bad, I just wanted to go out and have fun. It took a little convincing. J said,"You're going to be seen in public with me."
I said,"Yes."
J said,"Like a date."
I replied,"Is that what you call it? I don't really want to think about it. I just wanna go out. So let's go."
It was comical. I refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I refused to say we were dating. Why? I guess I thought if I didn't use those words I'd make it through unscathed. Oh, so wrong. The joke's on me.
We got to the movies and he asked if I'd buy him popcorn. I told him if I were a guy this is where I would just say "blowjob." He laughed. J always said I was like no girl I'd ever met. We were amicable and honest at all times. Yes, I bought his popcorn and a drink. He asked for extra butter and he piled on salt. YUCK! But he was so,so happy. Anything for him. He's loud during movies. I mean LOUD. Yet, I sat next to him.
I knew J was having a rough time with all of this. The pills, the tests, the uncertainty. I was his calm. I wrote him a letter. My first semi-love letter in years. Before we'd left to the movie, he had to pull his laundry out of the dryer. I slipped the letter underneath his pillow. He'd find it eventually.
This was my letter to him J;
"I know. I took you for a turn. You weren't expecting me. Nor I you. like I said - You are everything I never knew I needed - from the first kiss.
Dearest Love,
from moment one, I feel like you found me. I adore you. It's ok for you to be scared. Tell no one. I think, you are worth a damn. You've told me time & time again, how you are every inch of evil I can never imagine.....I don't care. I'm concerned with the moment I fall into your arms & your lips meet mine.
Te deseo, mi Lindo.
Life is changing & you can't control everything no matter how much you want to. the world will keep spinning even when you lose control. It'll all be ok. Promise. Even if I'm gone.
I don't know if I can be everything you desire. nor if you can be my everything. I just know, right now, it's a perfect fit. OUR version of perfect. A new reality. Perhaps it's time you reinvented yourself, Love, like all great icons.
I mean you no harm, no wrong. I solely seek your company. the light that shines brightly within & torturously turns the knife (or key) around my heart.
I firmly believe in having zero regrets. So I don't want to run from you. I'm not your past. I'm not your future.I'm just in front of you now. Be fully in this moment with me. I can't imagine what a day looks like without you now,Love. I want so much good for you,my heart aches. You can be the biggest bastard to the world, but to me you will only leave me with lingering kisses.
Shed your old skin. Make a new one. But I will never ask you to lose sight of yourself because everything that has made you up to now is the reason I long to be in your arms. "
This letter came back to haunt me. I'm sure it would have happened sooner or later. I did spend a moment kicking myself for writing a great letter. The dice was in motion.
After the movie, on our way to the car, we walked by the Cheesecake Factory. J doesn't like sweets but he loves cherry cheesecake. I only discovered this because we walked by the restaurant. The next day was a big testing day. We'd find out if J was going to have to have his chest cracked open and have this leak repaired. I'd have to learn how to take care of him and I would do it. I wanted to see him through it all.
I woke up very early the next morning, wondering if I should have called in sick and gone to the doctor's with him. Maybe I should have done it. Got up before work and went to the store and bought supplies. I made J a cherry cheesecake. It was so gross to me. I don't like cheesecake or cherry. I knew it would brighten his day. Earlier in the week I'd bought him flowers. I was the first person in his life to buy him flowers.
After work I rushed over with cheesecake and waited to hear the news. He was in a different mood. He had his diving watch out,too. J hadn't been able to dive in about a year. He was miserable. Diving was his passion above all. His truest love and salvation. The watch held the last hundred dives he'd done. Yes, J was thrilled I was there, thrilled with the gesture of the cheesecake, and thrilled to tell me the news, but something felt foreboding to me. Gut feeling???
He wasn't going to have the surgery. The doctors couldn't find the cause for the leakage so they hoped it would just heal itself. It went from bad to worse to omg, to what the hell? slowly improving. He got the ok to dive again, too. Life was perfect then. Right?
I was barely in the door when J said,"Come here, I owe you a hug." Awwww.
J told me I was sneaky. He found my letter when he was asleep. He had moved in bed and come across it. At first he assumed it was a bill. J told me,"I grabbed it and was going to throw it on the table. But it smelled like you and I stopped." He said,"I felt like the Grinch when I read your letter. My heart actually turned." I laughed at him. I said,"What's up with that? You're allowing me to do all these firsts for you."
J said," I don't know....Maybe you're right, about letting me heart grow."
We were both growing as people. Sounded like maybe we could fall in love and be happy together. Short-lived thought.
This was a Monday and we were planning on having a date on Friday. J wanted to take me out. I was looking forward to it.
I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days. So on Wednesday I sent a text. Nothing major just this;"Hello lovely man, hope u have been doing well & I miss u*besos"
He wrote back,"actualy rough day. Got in argument over rent. Moved out today. Lots of other shit going on too."
I replied,"So sorry 2 hear. Nd anything? have u eaten?"
J said,"Na, just resting. Found a room to rent. I'll call tomorrow after work.We still goin out tomorrow yea?"
Hurrah! all was well.
It wasn't.
My journal entry from June 15th begins like so;
"Hello Heart,
we need to have a talk. A big one. First off, WTF!?!"
J decided to leave. So we'll never know how this story could have ended.
He decided to move back to Florida. The last test day scared him. He didn't want to die alone. He told me over the phone because he'd actually meant to tell me on our date the previous Friday night. But he had to cancel because work was crazy and he was beyond tired. How can I argue with a man who has a fucking hole in his heart?
I spent 37 minutes on the phone with him as he told me of his new plan. I bit my finger to choke back the tears. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. If this is the best way, I can't argue with it. I'm glad he didn't tell me in person. We joked on the phone a lot. In person, I may have thrown myself in front of a car. He decided to leave the 26th of June.
A couple days later I woke up naked, drunk at 5Am, on my floor, craving McVities. I am a giant open wound now. Thanx Vortex. First I can't connect and feel and now I feel I'm attacking myself and want to die in a pit. Ignorance is truly bliss. Bliss me out!
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