J had lived in my city a bit over a year, prior to my meeting him. When he first moved here, he came out with a Girl. The Girl is into living as a Sub. I never asked details. I figure it's not my business. I knew he still spoke to her. I knew he regretted the way they parted.
J asked her to move with him without a solid plan. They were struggling to live and eat. One day he came home from work and she was gone. I'm sure it devastated him to come home to an empty place. He spoke to one of her friends. She told him it was because the girl had felt like a burden and didn't want to see him struggle anymore. She didn't know how to discuss it with him so she left. That was in December.
I guess around March there was another woman in J's life. She was the one brave enough to answer his personal ad. Lesson!
When J and I would talk...somewhere in there The Girl did come up in conversation. They still spoke and texted. I could tell when he spoke of her that it pained him. The way things ended and how he couldn't take care of her. I heard regret thick in his throat. Didn't know Girl was only 19.
I do believe in Fate and Signs and gut feelings. Definately. Well, J took my words to heart. He says the two words that will always stay with him and be in his heart are ,"Reinvent Yourself." Damn, me for being so amazing. A few days after J got the test results, Girl called him. She vowed her love and asked him to come home. They had a big heart to heart. My heart was being kicked around the room.
So out of curiosity, J did a job search. He was almost instantly hired, with much higher salary. Plus, Florida has the perfect waters to dive in. He could make a life there. He could buy a boat and teach people to dive. He'd be able to go for a swim before and after work. Plus, he'd have his Sub Girl.
J wrote me a very long e-mail explaining much of this. The kick in the teeth was - had I stayed here, things would be different for you and I. Oh, false hope. It's so easy to say that shit when you're walking out on me. J repeatedly would tell me,"You're so sweet." I'd reply,"Stop it!" Why? because every man who has ever said that to me has left me. J said whatever was left of his heart yearned for her.
This may sound odd but I don't feel threatened or bothered by the thought of her. I don't see it working. I think J's ego feels like he needs to make things right and show her he can take care of her. Plus, he's moving into her house with her parents. He doesn't have to do anything, just show up. About 6 days before Sir left, Girl turned 20.
J and I always said we'd take things day by day. I never knew if I'd hug him goodnight and he'd die in his sleep. Or if he went to work and would suddenly stop breathing. every moment was a gift. I really connected to myself thru him. I learned to be fully in the Now, had this fantastic Nirvana moment. But it still hurts....because all I want more than anything is to touch his face.
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