True Romance

I'm kinda numb right now. I want to leave my house but I also feel like I need to be alone. I'm moving slowly into heartbreak anger. Just little twinges. I know kisses and words are not promises. Actions speak so much truer. Doesn't matter if he cared for me or how much; he left. He's gone,gone,gone.

Just looking at his name pains me. I washed the shirt I was wearing the last time I saw him. I cried because it no longer smelled like him. Yet, I could feel his energy all over it. I threw it in the far end of the closet. It'll be awhile before I care wear that one. How do I shake this off? How do people do this?

Tuesday, June 23rd ended up being our last real night together. I'd sent a text earlier in the day and received no reply. Wasn't phased. He'd ignore them now because he wanted to be clear of me. At 1:57Pm, J replied,"Can u come by my place instead? I do want to see u. And sides thought u were bringin me some food. Sir is hungry!"

I hadn't cooked like I had previously planned for him. I figured it would cost me more than taking him out and I was too sad. I was also nervous, shaking with fear. I still had the letter and cd for him. I also enclosed "The Power of Now" and a Poet's notebook - a blank notebook with quotes from Poet's.

The cd;
The Replacements "I'll Be You"
Audreye Sessions "Relentless"
Joseph Arthur "In The Sun"
Incubus "Monuments & Melodies
Material Issue "Everything
She Wants Revenge "Us"
Incubus "Pantomine"
J.Arthur "Ashes Everywhere"
She Wants Revenge "Tear Us Apart"
Incubus "Stellar"
Juliette and the Licks "This I Know"
NIN "The Fragile"

I suppose the one line that sums it all up is from J & the Licks ,"I'm your girl and your my man, this illusion is all I know....."

What J didn't know is that earlier I was out to lunch with my friend. I felt so anxious about giving Sir the package that my friend decided to leave it on his back porch for me. We drove by and she left it around 3:00PM. J was still at work. He was texting, asking to see me and I was doubting he'd want to after getting his packet and opening it.
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My letter;
"My Love, My Dearest Grinch,
who knew? Who would have ever guessed it would have taken You to make my heart feel again? Feel for the first time in 10 yrs. I adore you greatly. Happiness is all I ask for you - even if it means never being in your arms again. I feel like the Hoover Dam with a growing fracture - the water slowly trickles.....soon to burst open. Wishing to wash me away.

Wish I could bury my face into your skin so I could press your scent into the cells of my memory.

Maybe in some other dimension....I'm allowed the luxury of sharing the sun & sand with you....a house, a daughter, a dog (bec w/ur past, it has to be a girl). I'm trying to take comfort in this thought.

I know the waters of FL are healing. It's why I originally went there.....couldn't wait to throw myself in the waters and wash the old me away. I know it worked on some level,but all the signs said to return.

You are beginning a diff. chapter, a new life. u said u always liked that I'm honest with u. I know u didn't mean it so but I hate being told how sweet I am. Every man who's ever told me that has left me. Fully embrace this new version of J. If you need me, I'll be around.

You know I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. I'd have taken care of you every step of the way - if u allowed me in. I'd have cleaned stitches,cooked meat (u know how I love that), done ur laundry, washed ur hair. Whatever u needed of me. All that I have is yours. You might discover a new side of you that you love. You have so much to offer this world. I love all sides of you unconditionally/ I just don't have to agree with them all,Mister?;)

.....I promised I wouldn't run from you. I want ALL those last kisses, giggles & words. you made me feel safe. My Sanctuary. Haven't felt that way in so long. You've given me SO much in such a short time. thank you. You are the ripple in my pond & I love you for it, my lovely man, J. Blessings.

Wish I could keep all my minutes w/u in a locket worn around my neck. That way I can keep them close to me & so I'll never forget the simplest of things. Yes, Love, you can fuck half the world (& I can be another notch) but none of them will be ME. None of them will show you what's in my eyes when I look at you. This. You. Know.

........I don't know how to describe how I feel about you leaving. I've a sense of peace about it. No regrets. Bittersweet. I wish I had two seasons to love you right......I'll miss your beautiful face, your cheek pressed to mine, holding you. I love running my fingers over your cheekbones, the softness of your skin. That is such a delight to my fingertips, my life.'kiss me like you lost and you found me'.....................I love you,J. Like it or not."

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J got home earlier than expected. At 4:34PM I received this tm," Wow. Wasn't expecting all that. Thank u. Look if u don't want to see me tonite that's cool. The one letter sounded angry."

There was another enclosed 1 pager. I don't think it was angry but he took it that way. I'm Latina. We are fiery. Deal!

I - "If u don't want to c me, that's fine. As u wish..."
J - "um ok I never said that."
I - "Didn't say u said that? It's an option. Want me to take u 2 dinner?"
J-"Well yea Im hungry lol And I'm home now. just call when u get out front."

I was at his door by 5:06PM.

I took him to Flames. It was still Happy Hour. I could drink and eat for cheap. I told him to order his steak. He'd be stuck on the road eating road food. Bleh. Dinner wasn't bad. I eat very little now. The sadness is slowly making me thin. Hurrah!!

After dinner, I took him to Azucar. I wanted him to try a mojito. They make the best $9 ones in a variety of yummy flavours like coconut, pineapple, mango, watermelon. Amazing. All you need is one. He began with a kiwi-strawberry mojito. After the first one, I knew it was getting to him. I stuck to water. Someone had to drive. The bartender, David, had rented "The Warriors". So there we were in a Latin bar watching..... J is loud. Unlike me. He can be obnxious. He's entertaining. He chatted up the bartender. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the bartender's gf calls me for waxing because I need the money. Why couldn't J chat up all the bars in the city before he left? He'd have left me with a huge jump in income.

While at Azucar, we had a stupid moment and talked about having kids. I said something about beautiful mixed babies. I know it pains J deep. He won't admit it but his face and his voice show so much more emotion than he realizes. J said,"I can't have kids." I hugged him and said,"There are other ways. That's not the only way to be a family." At one point,J's Dad had agreed to donate sperm if he really wanted kids. Hey, there's a genius gene in the family. I'd want it.

I said to J,"Well, you think about it and if you decide you want to do it. I only have 8 years and then, I'm done."
I followed this by stating,"That might be the time you hear my Mom use a swear word. I'd be trying to explain it...'Well,J's not here and I've got his Dad's sperm....."
J was laughing hysterically. "It would be!"
I said,"Yeah, but the next day, I'd have armfuls of baby blankets and shirts."

About 8:45PM. we headed back to J's. He was drunk. It was highly amusing. the intention was to make a midnight showing of "Transformers 2", in Union City. All my friends were there. My concern was keeping J up too late. Worried that over-taxing his system will affect his heart and that would be my fault. Yet, somehow he always seems to talk me into sex. Don't think it didn't scare the hell out of me in the beginning.

I was trying to convince him to take a nap. He wasn't tired. As we were cuddled up in bed, J began to talk about leaving and I lost it. I had been doing so well. I don't know what happened that day. J said,"Don't know if this is gonna work out. Don't know what'll happen in the future with us." I was too busy crying to say,"Fuck You." When a person has that much doubt, isn't it a sign of things to come? I think he loves me and doesn't want to admit it.
J said to me the words that will stay with him for life were the ones I wrote him. See, I inspired him to go ahead and take this journey of self-discovery. "Reinvent Yourself." Damn, I am good...too good. I broke my own heart.

He called me,"Mi Amour" and went very silent. I pretended I didn't hear it. Why complicate things? It's all already fucked up. He'd also made a comment like,"No matter how much of a prick I am , you're still sweet to me." It sounded as if he were in disbelief.
I replied,"Yeah, it's called unconditional love."

We didn't end up leaving the house until about 10:10PM. Later than I was striving for but he was unfocused and hard to get out the door. I warned him we may not be able to get in. Seems all showing had sold out but my friend told me to get there ASAP.

We snuck in! They'd been saving us a couple of seats, one of them came out handed us torn tickets and all we had to do was buy popcorn. HA! J was set! I had told him earlier he wasn't getting popcorn. Now it was like a dream come true. All in all it only cost me $14.50. Sweet!! I love my friends.

J finally met one of my best mates, Cathy. They both had been hearing so much about one another. This was the first meeting and the last. We talked about art and comics, ComicCon, books while waiting for the movie to begin. J informed Cathy if any boy harmed me, he'd be on a plane fast. J said to Cathy,"I wouldn't kill him. He'd wish I had." In the military, J was referred to as "The Human Lie Detector." I know he did horrible things to people. Nothing to do with me so I don't judge. That's love,even if he won't say it. It's also the male ego. Doubt it counts.

I felt naked without makeup. I asked Cathy if she had her bag. J hates me with glittery eyeshadow because it sticks to him and is very difficult to get off. Seems people at work have noticed. LOL. When Cathy gave me the bag, J nudged me,"You have enough on. You're beautiful without it." I closed the bag, rolled my eyes and handed it back to Cathy. I said,"I'm not allowed. Sir says no." J chuckled,"That was cute."

The end of the movie was difficult to get through. J was having flashbacks. Yea, military for screwing up the men in my world. He was squeezing the hell out of my arm. I didn't pay much attention to it. I was worried I'd have to grab him and run out.

Movie was long! Out at 3AM. Drove home and Sir was very chatty and hyper. As soon as I dropped him off he was struggling to keep his eyes open. He had to be up in 2 hours for work. He wouldn't allow me to sleep next to him. Mean. Whatever. He did admit to flashing back in the movie and having a stressful moment. I just held him. Not much else I can do. He asked that I let him sleep all Wednesday. We would go out on Thursday. I got home at 3:26AM, going into Wednesday morning.