J kept doing a push and pull with me. One day wanting to spend it all with me. The next having no time to see me. Not completely true. I decided to test it. On a day he swore there was no way I could see him, I was bad and sent him a suggestive text. Of course, the phone rang about 10 minutes later. I said,"Hello."
J- "You are a big tease."
I-"Not if I do what I said." He laughed.
He said he was going to go to Kragen's and get something for his car. The same car he'd be driving across the State. Said he'd call me back in an hour.
In the meantime, I was busy writing a letter for him It turned into a 3 page hardcore love letter. I don't think I've ever written one so open and honest. It flowed without fear. I told you I am an open wound. I even made him a cd of music. (Yes, "Nick & Norah" jokes here. #12 Road to Closure.) I'm a nut when it comes to letters. Fancy paper and ribbon and more fancy paper and maybe flower petals or stickers. I'd bought velum and black envelopes. I was hoping to have it finished before he called me back. No luck. He called me in less than an hour. Damn.
He was searching for a new phone battery. His second task of the evening. He asked if I knew a place. I tried to explain it to him It was easier if he just picked me up. He agreed. He was less than 10 minutes from my house. J asked me to wait outside. I hurried and changed clothes. No makeup today, which he preferred. We ran all over the place.
On a bench outside of Macy's, J made me sit. He seemed a little sad. J said,"Look, when I get set on moving I get tunnel vision. I can get mean. I don't want you to see me like that."
I reassured him that I was okay with him leaving.
J-"You make it harder to leave."
I was kinda shocked. But not hard enough.....
J dragged me all over Santana Row and Valley Fair. No luck in his search. This running around was taking a toll on my left side. My leg was numb and I was getting a little slower. Later, we were in the car and I'm not sure what I said but he smacked my leg. I said,"HA! That leg's numb." Sometimes I think I make him uncomfortable.
On our way to Walmart to look for things he didn't need or wasn't going to buy, we found a yummy taco place. SO good! I will return there. It was the first time I'd ever eaten in fron of J. I don't eat much at times. Especially, when I'm emotionally upset. I had one taco and an Horchata. J paid. Another date?? Ssssssh.
Walmart had nothing for us. We got back in the car. But J kissed me and we kept kissing. It was sweet. J said to me,"I can't believe I'm this turned on."
I replied,"That's because you deprived me of your company." We had a fun makeout session in the parking lot. I KNOW he will think of me as he drives passed Walmarts. There are plenty of them throughout the States.
He drove me back to my house so I could pick up my car and follow him to his new place. He moved into a house on 13th Street and Santa Clara. It was like a hostel. Ten college,hippie kids. All very chill. 8 girls and 2 guys. Just knowing where he was at now gave me a sense of peace. He was safe.
At the house, he sang some of his fave songs and told me stories. Just like the first night we met. Full circle. My back was against the wall, he sat in between my legs with his head against my chest. He reached back to take my hands in his and said,"I know you're upset about me leaving."
I replied,"What's it matter?"
I wasn't trying to be cruel. It's simple, if he really wanted to stay and be loved by me and love me and change his life, he would have. In front of him, I did my best to never cry. Only in the comfort of my room or in front of my friends did I burst into tears. I'm a scratched record now. I feel sorry for my friends.
J said,"It matters to me."
I- "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. No one else does."
Again, not to be cruel but I am the one person who can take care of myself. I ask nothing of no one...well, til now.
This conversation led to sex. With him I just enjoyed holding him. J loves to nuzzle and cuddle. I'm the opposite. Once when we were cuddled up, I said,"I don't cuddle."
J - "You're doing it now."
I- "Yea, I hate it."
J-"You're so cuddly."
I-"Hate it. Like you."
See, I'm amusing.
After sex, he held me. It was lovely to see the lines in his face come alive. I felt a lot more peaceful than I thought I would. Touching his face is such a luxury for me. I don't know why. I could do it all day. It's so good to be that close to him. Or was....
.....I'm just hoping writing this all out will ease the pain in my heart.
Today I called my Sister. I just couldn't stop crying. I called in sick to work and slept and cried. I ate one meal today. When I was crying so much all I could think was,"I need my Sister!" It felt very similar to the time I got so ill everyone thought I was going to die. That's how bad I feel. Only she can hold me and ground me.
I tried so hard to not burst into tears. My Sister asked,"What's going on?"
I replied,"Nothing." But she already knew it was all bad.
I caught her up on J. He left Saturday morning. I last saw him Friday. Left his house around midnight. My Sister said I'd been heavy on her mind Friday and Saturday. My entire family has these crazy vibes. I don't know...psychic vibes. During certain times it's smart to listen to them
My Sister says as he drives along he will feel how much more he misses me. More than he thought. She asked,"Would you move to Florida?"
I - "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
Sister -"Cause I see it happening. I see him asking you to come out."
I-"Maybe for a visit and if he pays for it."
But J has his journey,too. I need to respect that. More on that journey tomorrow.
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