Tattoo is done.
I know I'm an adult but I still feel like I have to hide my tattoos from my folks. It was so fitting to have my new tattoo, the one J inspired, to be done a week to the day he left. He left me. I have to remind myself of that. I have to think of all the negative things about him. What didn't I like? This way it's easier to let it go. Easier to heal and not miss out of life.
I didn't take any pics during the process. I've gotten over some of my fears,I guess. The tattoo gun didn't scare me like it used to. The sound always made me jump. reminds me of being in the hospital as a child. This time - nothing. ACE!
The lettering did not hurt. Seriously. I was surprised. Maybe a little part, but not really. I think it was all done in about 45 minutes. The part that hurt the most was when Andy would wipe away the blood. Harsh towel against raw skin. Owwwww. I was happy when it was done. It was now a part of me.
Andy suggested adding leaves as a border. He took out his sharpie and dre a rough sketch. I tried to watch him. He said,"Don't look yet." When he was done, he had me get up and look in the mirror. It wasn't bad. I asked him what it'd cost me. Andy said,"Nothing. I'll just add it in."
I thought about it for a moment.
"Ok. You're here so let's do it."
Andy took a quick break and ate. My friend and I chatted. The skin burned but I was so thrilled with it and couldn't wait to show it off.
Andy suggested doing the leaves in green. I thought he was just going to keep going in black. When I returned to the station, he had 6 little cups of color. He was gonna get fancy. The artist in him. I have to say, Andy (at Metamorphic Tattoo) takes great pride in his work.
Ok, so maybe I didn't think this color part out as much as I should have because it hurt like a motherfucker!!! The leaves took over a larger space. The parts on my bicep made me sympathize with a cow. I felt like a slice of meat being cut into. eeeeeeek!! But the wiping of the blood...FML.....I was a piece of raw meat. I was pretty sure I was keeping still.
The plus was the hot guy in the room. He was getting something added to his back. He came over and stood over me to watch. I think he was checking me out. I should have talked to him but I was busy concentrating. Still hot.
Done. Andy cleaning it off was the worst moment of the entire tattoo. This time I was able to squirm and laugh and yell all at once. He laughed at me. Told me he does the same;laughs when it hurts.
Andy demanded I return in 2 weeks to touch up Bear. He said there are some spots where the black dropped out. He isn't charging me. I told him I wasn't sure. I told him I had to psych myself up to come back in 2 weeks. So I'll be back under the needle soon. Eeeep! At least, I didn't sit around being sad today. I'm moving on.
Oh, work in the AM. Blah. But hey, Vegas on Thursday. I charged my entire trip on my credit card. Kinda fucking myself but I felt I needed to do it. Wish me luck.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Ego, You Heartless Bitch!
Almost done.
Tuesday made me wince. I decided to go down to Azucar for happy hour,grab a mojito, have my friend,Jennifer meet me there and focus on some writing. Plus, I'm considering starting my birthday night out at Azucar. Gotta make friends with the bartender and the door person.
As I sat down David, the bartender, asked,"You were in here last week,right?"
"Yea."
"You look different. What's changed?"
I shrugged. "I'm sleeveless???" Last week I was wearing a long-sleeve, grey blouse. My tattoos were covered.
"Don't know. You're hair's different.....Did your friend,J, leave?"
OUCH! I nodded.
Exactly a week ago I was in the same bar with J. *Le sigh* Funny how time flies and things feel so fresh and far away all at once. Yesterday, I woke up at 3PM. I felt sad but ok. Maybe things are getting better. I didn't burst into tears as soon as I saw the sun.
Thursday never materialized for us. J had a shit couple of days. Turns out I was the best part of his week. He'd let his phone die out and bought a new one. The new one with a new Florida area code and number. A number I did not have. I was mad and hurt. He just left me hanging Thursday night.
I still went out and had a great time. I danced, drank, met some new boys. It was a good night. But at the end of the night it really hit me. No J. I asked my friend,"Is this it? Is this really how it ends?" I was heartbroken. FML.
Friday I came home from work and fired off a nasty e-mail to him. Two hours later he replied with one just as nasty. I felt like shit. Ok, it's done but I didn't want to have it end ugly for no reason. Ego.
It took me an hour to decide to drive over. He hadn't read my 3 e-mails I'd sent and I had no way to call. Didn't have anyother option. I am not a person to show up unannounced. Yet, I didn't want to regret not making peace and seeing him one last time.
Wrote a hasty note of apology and love and ran out the door. It was 10:50PM when I arrived.
I thought I'd be scared to show up. I was strangely calm. I knocked on the door. I guess I was a little nervous. Didn't realize I was chewing on my pinkie nail. He opened the door. It looked as if he'd been crying. Oh, I'd done a good number on him. One of my Ex's always said I did have a poison tongue when I wanted to destroy someone with words.
I held out the letter and could barely look at him. J asked,"Why did you write that?"
"Did it make it easier to leave?"
"Get in here." He didn't want his roomies to hear the drama. Thank god cuz I didn't need them knowing my business either. I entered but stayed close to the door. He sat down and said a bunch of stuff. I don't even recall the words. I only heard the tone. A lot of hurt with a smidge of anger. By now I was chewing on my thumb, trying not to cry. There was a pause. J said,"Will you get over here and give me a hug?"
I hesitated. I got off easy.
I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around him and then, I lost it. I know he was better at that moment. J said,"I wasn't expecting to get so attached to your silly butt."
Overall, I was forgiven. He did some errands online, requested I return a dvd for him, joked with me a bit. Then, he kicked me out. He was falling asleep and still needed to do some packing. I wanted to stay but I'd never ask him.
He walked me to the door. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head,"Please be good to yourself. Please. If I find out you're not, I'm coming back on the first plan..."
"Just stop. You will not. You won't be here so I can be as defiant as I want." He kissed me.
We inched closer to the door.
I asked for one more kiss. "Make it a good one." I didn't look at him. I pulled away and said,"See, that's all it took."
I refused to look at him. I just opened the door and walked out the door, down the hall and to my car.
I drove to the video store, returned his dvd, and came home.
The next morning I had this e-mail from him, written around 6:21 AM. that was about 5 hours after I left him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
" I dont hate you. Quite the contrary. But my heart is in Florida. Its where Im supposed to be. I know you mean what your saying and I thank you for that. You always knew I would not be here forever. One way or another. My destiny truly does lie beyond this place and I must go find it. I follow my heart and my dreams and they are leading me there. Thank you for stopping by last night made me feel a lot better. All I wanted was to leave with fond memories and a good last impression of you in my mind to take into my memory with me forever. You brightened my life and brought joy to my world in a time of darkness and I do appreciate that. I cant thank you enough for the smiles, the hugs, the kisses and all the kindness you showed me. I do hope someday you find what your looking for. I will miss you and always think very fondly of you.
Take good care.
J "
-------------------------------------------------------
It was nice. So now I'm a little angry. Yea, I'M the one who was taking care of you when you were so ill I didn't know if you were going to die on me. I was the one cooking meat and washing dishes. I was willing to drop everything to get to you. I sorta did. I had to explain to friends that I needed to disappear for a bit so I could spend nights making sure you were safe, taken your pills, had eaten, whatever. You left.
At the bar, David asked,"Was he your boyfriend?"
I laughed,"It's complex."
"It usually is."
I sighed. "J has a leak in his heart valve. We got close real fast. I took care of him. He decided to leave, in case he died. He wanted to die with the ocean. So he left. Maybe if California had warmer waters I would have had a chance."
David hooked me up that night. I only paid for 2 drinks and had more than that. My friend showed up and we drank a little more. I caught her up on my life with J. She - like the rest of my friends - is very happy that my heart grew. Whatever. It sucks to feel things like the rest of the world. Ick. But I'm here and I'm doing it.
Yes, I learned and had a gigantic moment of Rebirth. Thank You, J...even if I never speak to you again. You gave me my heart back. It might come in handy in the future. I have a date Thursday night. You never know what will come of it.
While all this was going on, one of my friends was trying to decide on a tattoo. She thought it'd be a good idea to get Beatles or Incubus lyrics on her. I've no words or lyrics or band logos on my body. I've made sure to never do that to myself. The stuff doesn't just wash off. It was time. I can't really afford it but I need to do this to start healing and move forward. This was a landmark moment in my life.
I was down with the idea of Incubus lyrics. I started making a list. Too many to narrow it down.
I decided to stack up the cds and listen to all the albums. I was pretty sure I'd hear it and it would jump out at me. I didn't exactly get there. I was listening to The Limousines http://www.myspace.com/thelimousines on their MySpace page and a line hit me. I stopped everything I was doing and it felt like a wave of calm went thru me down into the core of the Earth. It's a motion that you usually use to visualize yourself when doing energy work,to ground yourself. I rewound (haha,I'm old) the song. Yup, that was the one!!!
It's from their song "flaskaboozendancinshoes". The line is;
Tuesday made me wince. I decided to go down to Azucar for happy hour,grab a mojito, have my friend,Jennifer meet me there and focus on some writing. Plus, I'm considering starting my birthday night out at Azucar. Gotta make friends with the bartender and the door person.
As I sat down David, the bartender, asked,"You were in here last week,right?"
"Yea."
"You look different. What's changed?"
I shrugged. "I'm sleeveless???" Last week I was wearing a long-sleeve, grey blouse. My tattoos were covered.
"Don't know. You're hair's different.....Did your friend,J, leave?"
OUCH! I nodded.
Exactly a week ago I was in the same bar with J. *Le sigh* Funny how time flies and things feel so fresh and far away all at once. Yesterday, I woke up at 3PM. I felt sad but ok. Maybe things are getting better. I didn't burst into tears as soon as I saw the sun.
Thursday never materialized for us. J had a shit couple of days. Turns out I was the best part of his week. He'd let his phone die out and bought a new one. The new one with a new Florida area code and number. A number I did not have. I was mad and hurt. He just left me hanging Thursday night.
I still went out and had a great time. I danced, drank, met some new boys. It was a good night. But at the end of the night it really hit me. No J. I asked my friend,"Is this it? Is this really how it ends?" I was heartbroken. FML.
Friday I came home from work and fired off a nasty e-mail to him. Two hours later he replied with one just as nasty. I felt like shit. Ok, it's done but I didn't want to have it end ugly for no reason. Ego.
It took me an hour to decide to drive over. He hadn't read my 3 e-mails I'd sent and I had no way to call. Didn't have anyother option. I am not a person to show up unannounced. Yet, I didn't want to regret not making peace and seeing him one last time.
Wrote a hasty note of apology and love and ran out the door. It was 10:50PM when I arrived.
I thought I'd be scared to show up. I was strangely calm. I knocked on the door. I guess I was a little nervous. Didn't realize I was chewing on my pinkie nail. He opened the door. It looked as if he'd been crying. Oh, I'd done a good number on him. One of my Ex's always said I did have a poison tongue when I wanted to destroy someone with words.
I held out the letter and could barely look at him. J asked,"Why did you write that?"
"Did it make it easier to leave?"
"Get in here." He didn't want his roomies to hear the drama. Thank god cuz I didn't need them knowing my business either. I entered but stayed close to the door. He sat down and said a bunch of stuff. I don't even recall the words. I only heard the tone. A lot of hurt with a smidge of anger. By now I was chewing on my thumb, trying not to cry. There was a pause. J said,"Will you get over here and give me a hug?"
I hesitated. I got off easy.
I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around him and then, I lost it. I know he was better at that moment. J said,"I wasn't expecting to get so attached to your silly butt."
Overall, I was forgiven. He did some errands online, requested I return a dvd for him, joked with me a bit. Then, he kicked me out. He was falling asleep and still needed to do some packing. I wanted to stay but I'd never ask him.
He walked me to the door. He hugged me and kissed the top of my head,"Please be good to yourself. Please. If I find out you're not, I'm coming back on the first plan..."
"Just stop. You will not. You won't be here so I can be as defiant as I want." He kissed me.
We inched closer to the door.
I asked for one more kiss. "Make it a good one." I didn't look at him. I pulled away and said,"See, that's all it took."
I refused to look at him. I just opened the door and walked out the door, down the hall and to my car.
I drove to the video store, returned his dvd, and came home.
The next morning I had this e-mail from him, written around 6:21 AM. that was about 5 hours after I left him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
" I dont hate you. Quite the contrary. But my heart is in Florida. Its where Im supposed to be. I know you mean what your saying and I thank you for that. You always knew I would not be here forever. One way or another. My destiny truly does lie beyond this place and I must go find it. I follow my heart and my dreams and they are leading me there. Thank you for stopping by last night made me feel a lot better. All I wanted was to leave with fond memories and a good last impression of you in my mind to take into my memory with me forever. You brightened my life and brought joy to my world in a time of darkness and I do appreciate that. I cant thank you enough for the smiles, the hugs, the kisses and all the kindness you showed me. I do hope someday you find what your looking for. I will miss you and always think very fondly of you.
Take good care.
J "
-------------------------------------------------------
It was nice. So now I'm a little angry. Yea, I'M the one who was taking care of you when you were so ill I didn't know if you were going to die on me. I was the one cooking meat and washing dishes. I was willing to drop everything to get to you. I sorta did. I had to explain to friends that I needed to disappear for a bit so I could spend nights making sure you were safe, taken your pills, had eaten, whatever. You left.
At the bar, David asked,"Was he your boyfriend?"
I laughed,"It's complex."
"It usually is."
I sighed. "J has a leak in his heart valve. We got close real fast. I took care of him. He decided to leave, in case he died. He wanted to die with the ocean. So he left. Maybe if California had warmer waters I would have had a chance."
David hooked me up that night. I only paid for 2 drinks and had more than that. My friend showed up and we drank a little more. I caught her up on my life with J. She - like the rest of my friends - is very happy that my heart grew. Whatever. It sucks to feel things like the rest of the world. Ick. But I'm here and I'm doing it.
Yes, I learned and had a gigantic moment of Rebirth. Thank You, J...even if I never speak to you again. You gave me my heart back. It might come in handy in the future. I have a date Thursday night. You never know what will come of it.
While all this was going on, one of my friends was trying to decide on a tattoo. She thought it'd be a good idea to get Beatles or Incubus lyrics on her. I've no words or lyrics or band logos on my body. I've made sure to never do that to myself. The stuff doesn't just wash off. It was time. I can't really afford it but I need to do this to start healing and move forward. This was a landmark moment in my life.
I was down with the idea of Incubus lyrics. I started making a list. Too many to narrow it down.
I decided to stack up the cds and listen to all the albums. I was pretty sure I'd hear it and it would jump out at me. I didn't exactly get there. I was listening to The Limousines http://www.myspace.com/thelimousines on their MySpace page and a line hit me. I stopped everything I was doing and it felt like a wave of calm went thru me down into the core of the Earth. It's a motion that you usually use to visualize yourself when doing energy work,to ground yourself. I rewound (haha,I'm old) the song. Yup, that was the one!!!
It's from their song "flaskaboozendancinshoes". The line is;
"We can live forever
but we'll never get this chance again"It's all about the Now. Speaking of ...need to get to bed. Have a dentist appointment at 8AM sharp. Plus a job interview. This one is it. Lusicous Jackson lull me to sleep. How I miss you all more than anything.
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