You can suck it!
2010 left me so emotionally drained, conflicted and just overall, what the fuck?!?
I'm exhausted from dating. I'm exhausted just trying to live my life. I'm over going to the hospital so people can poke and prod me for future experiments.
Bothered that no one knows what's wrong with me but believe me I won't go into hospital grounds unless blood is spurting from my eyes. Here I am attempting several regular visits so I can figure this stuff out. I wish they would hurry up. In theory, I am perfectly healthy but how do you explain my memory lose and muscle weakness??? How will I get through school and finish a program and get the job I hope to have and just live my life???
I need to vent so here it is...the big secret...I was working on getting pregnant this year. In fact, this December I was going to try to get pregnant. I was scared and excited all at once. Completely natural. With my health up in the air, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I also have to admit that with my health being sketchy, I sorta don't care what happens to me. I've always lived with this unknown, void...Doctors didn't think I'd have much of a life passed the age of 21 so I feel I've been very blessed and I've done so much. Until I got sick a few years ago and life just sorta went on pause.
Back to the baby. I accidently met someone. Someone who surprised me and I almost wrote him off. But something made me give him a chance, to get to know him and see what happens. He was the one who wanted to have a baby real soon. We went from waiting until Spring to December. So while he was away visiting family, I was buying a few essential baby pieces. Then, he returned from his holiday vacation.
I cried for three days. He decided he no longer wanted to have a kid. In fact, he is enjoying being single and doesn't even want to see me anymore. I got this part of the speech ; " I do think very highly of you are awesome in a lot of ways and I like knowing you but...." all he can offer me is friendship right now.
What the hell do I need more friends for? I now have a flippin pile of baby stuff I have to look at daily and I don't know what to do with it...or myself.
I need to sleep. I've been in bed for two days thanx to sleeping pills. I'm over having insomnia. My body has no idea what is going on. Neither does my mind.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Forever!!
I stopped writing. Bad, I know. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I just needed space from myself. Even my physical journals are looking pretty bleak lately. My other writing projects as well. I'm stuck. Physically stuck. Like my head is on pause...that and my body is falling apart. Oh, is it that time again? I suppose.
Well, the updates. I've been in school for the last year or so. I decided to look into getting all my medical field pre-reqs. It sounded like an awesome idea. I do regret not going to Mortuary school and I regret not going to Nursing school at 23. bad boyfriends and lack of self-confidence. Besides all that pesky health stuff.
This semester I decided to take a full load. In this field, it's two classes. Two class equal 10.5 units. I am in Anatomy and I'm excited about that. I've wanted to take it for the longest time. oh, it's hard. I mean so insanely difficult I may cry but am extremely excited to be in class. I work on cadaver and touch tissue weekly. I'm fine with all that but the smell is tricky to get used to. Some days it's not so strong. Other days it makes me dizzy and I need to leave the room for air. When will I get used to it?
After the first month I was beginning to feel like I'd taken on too much. Lack of sleep and studying late, the stress...my body wasn't handling it well. But I don't want to quit. I hate not finishing something I start. Plus, there are people in my classes that are taking 3 at a time and I want to be normal, just like them. Not to mention, some of these people have teenagerss. SO why won't my body work with me? it just won't.....
Monday is my MicroBiology 2nd exam. I didn't do well on the first one. yet, I was thrilled with it because I couldn't belive I'd retained the info that I had. It was a mini-accomplishment for me. The 2nd one ...I felt a little lost. Yet, during lecture, I'd feel so jazzed up. "Yea, I can do this!" I enjoy my instructor's lectures.
Here's the thing....throughout September my hands have been getting fumbly, my eye is feel off and the pressure in my head is increasing. My balance is off more than usual. I'm in pain, crying and not sleeping. I haven't worked out in months and I need to because it helps with stress but I'm in a ton of pain.
As I type this, not all my fingers are working properly. It is what it is,folks.
Monday I have lecture at 7:45AM, MicroBio. The room was still. I sat upright in bed. Shot up. The first thought in my mind was,"What is this? what am I wrapped in? I'm covered. What is this?" I kept rubbing it. Finally, in my head the word popped in - sheet. it was my own bedding that caused my confusion. I didn't know where I was. It's hard to explain. I wasn't scared. Maybe I'm just used to the weirdness that is my life. I knew I had to be somewhere but I didn't know where or what day it was and for a moment my room didn't even register with me.
I reached out and touched Lucas, my laptop. I looked at the time. It was 8:30AM. I'd missed most of lecture. Sadface. sigh. Running my fingers over Lucas, I fell back into the Now, myself and knew there was no time to rest. I got up.
I took this morning as a sign. I had to make a big girl decision. I had to drop Micro. It kills me!!! I didn't focus much on Anatomy because I was trying to not cry. I went to Micro and I did the lab. I don't want to leave my group. They are a good bunch. We've bonded.
After class, I spoke with my instructor. I thought it was going to be much easier. I explained to her that my health is flairing up and I woke up that morning not sure where I was so obviously I'd not ready to take a big load yet. I thought I was going to cry a couple of times. I made it through somehow. She gave me permission to drop into lecture and continue lab. I told her I didn't want it all to feel so wasted.
I left and pretty much as soon as I left the building I burst into tears. I cried all the way to my car. I then had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes, continue to cry and calm myself down.
What if I can never take a big load of classes? what if this is all I get a taste? What's the point? My true goal I don't even say outloud any more. I'll be lucky to finish these classes. What happens if I take the small steps and get my Radiology Tech cert and then, the Ultrasound tech one??? could I even make it that far? If I get sick again - I don't have years to lay in bed and recover. I just want to be free.
I went to Social Services to see if I could get some help. Guess what? rejected because I'm in school and don't work enough. but if I were pregnant, they'd move me to the front of the line. i have been considering working on gettting pregnant much sooner. It's never going to be a good time. It might harm me but what if that's it? What if that's all I'm supposed to accomplish?
There's more to it. yet, I don't feel it's my place to air out the rest of my family's laundry. I have always wanted kids. I'm getting older. There isn't anyone in my life. And hey, I've tried!! I swear, I have tried to date and it's not working. Besides the last guy I thought I had a good shot with bailed on me when my health began to flair up. That killed me. Someone swears they'll be with you through it all and you talk kids and the future and when it comes down to reality.....gone. It is what it is.
I need to get to bed. I think I'm actually going to call out sick and take myself to Urgent Care in the morning. I don't have medical insurance. I do have life insurance. i now want to give my body to science. Maybe someone can figure out what's wrong with me when I'm gone.
Well, the updates. I've been in school for the last year or so. I decided to look into getting all my medical field pre-reqs. It sounded like an awesome idea. I do regret not going to Mortuary school and I regret not going to Nursing school at 23. bad boyfriends and lack of self-confidence. Besides all that pesky health stuff.
This semester I decided to take a full load. In this field, it's two classes. Two class equal 10.5 units. I am in Anatomy and I'm excited about that. I've wanted to take it for the longest time. oh, it's hard. I mean so insanely difficult I may cry but am extremely excited to be in class. I work on cadaver and touch tissue weekly. I'm fine with all that but the smell is tricky to get used to. Some days it's not so strong. Other days it makes me dizzy and I need to leave the room for air. When will I get used to it?
After the first month I was beginning to feel like I'd taken on too much. Lack of sleep and studying late, the stress...my body wasn't handling it well. But I don't want to quit. I hate not finishing something I start. Plus, there are people in my classes that are taking 3 at a time and I want to be normal, just like them. Not to mention, some of these people have teenagerss. SO why won't my body work with me? it just won't.....
Monday is my MicroBiology 2nd exam. I didn't do well on the first one. yet, I was thrilled with it because I couldn't belive I'd retained the info that I had. It was a mini-accomplishment for me. The 2nd one ...I felt a little lost. Yet, during lecture, I'd feel so jazzed up. "Yea, I can do this!" I enjoy my instructor's lectures.
Here's the thing....throughout September my hands have been getting fumbly, my eye is feel off and the pressure in my head is increasing. My balance is off more than usual. I'm in pain, crying and not sleeping. I haven't worked out in months and I need to because it helps with stress but I'm in a ton of pain.
As I type this, not all my fingers are working properly. It is what it is,folks.
Monday I have lecture at 7:45AM, MicroBio. The room was still. I sat upright in bed. Shot up. The first thought in my mind was,"What is this? what am I wrapped in? I'm covered. What is this?" I kept rubbing it. Finally, in my head the word popped in - sheet. it was my own bedding that caused my confusion. I didn't know where I was. It's hard to explain. I wasn't scared. Maybe I'm just used to the weirdness that is my life. I knew I had to be somewhere but I didn't know where or what day it was and for a moment my room didn't even register with me.
I reached out and touched Lucas, my laptop. I looked at the time. It was 8:30AM. I'd missed most of lecture. Sadface. sigh. Running my fingers over Lucas, I fell back into the Now, myself and knew there was no time to rest. I got up.
I took this morning as a sign. I had to make a big girl decision. I had to drop Micro. It kills me!!! I didn't focus much on Anatomy because I was trying to not cry. I went to Micro and I did the lab. I don't want to leave my group. They are a good bunch. We've bonded.
After class, I spoke with my instructor. I thought it was going to be much easier. I explained to her that my health is flairing up and I woke up that morning not sure where I was so obviously I'd not ready to take a big load yet. I thought I was going to cry a couple of times. I made it through somehow. She gave me permission to drop into lecture and continue lab. I told her I didn't want it all to feel so wasted.
I left and pretty much as soon as I left the building I burst into tears. I cried all the way to my car. I then had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes, continue to cry and calm myself down.
What if I can never take a big load of classes? what if this is all I get a taste? What's the point? My true goal I don't even say outloud any more. I'll be lucky to finish these classes. What happens if I take the small steps and get my Radiology Tech cert and then, the Ultrasound tech one??? could I even make it that far? If I get sick again - I don't have years to lay in bed and recover. I just want to be free.
I went to Social Services to see if I could get some help. Guess what? rejected because I'm in school and don't work enough. but if I were pregnant, they'd move me to the front of the line. i have been considering working on gettting pregnant much sooner. It's never going to be a good time. It might harm me but what if that's it? What if that's all I'm supposed to accomplish?
There's more to it. yet, I don't feel it's my place to air out the rest of my family's laundry. I have always wanted kids. I'm getting older. There isn't anyone in my life. And hey, I've tried!! I swear, I have tried to date and it's not working. Besides the last guy I thought I had a good shot with bailed on me when my health began to flair up. That killed me. Someone swears they'll be with you through it all and you talk kids and the future and when it comes down to reality.....gone. It is what it is.
I need to get to bed. I think I'm actually going to call out sick and take myself to Urgent Care in the morning. I don't have medical insurance. I do have life insurance. i now want to give my body to science. Maybe someone can figure out what's wrong with me when I'm gone.
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