2010

You can suck it!
2010 left me so emotionally drained, conflicted and just overall, what the fuck?!?
I'm exhausted from dating. I'm exhausted just trying to live my life. I'm over going to the hospital so people can poke and prod me for future experiments.

Bothered that no one knows what's wrong with me but believe me I won't go into hospital grounds unless blood is spurting from my eyes. Here I am attempting several regular visits so I can figure this stuff out. I wish they would hurry up. In theory, I am perfectly healthy but how do you explain my memory lose and muscle weakness??? How will I get through school and finish a program and get the job I hope to have and just live my life???

I need to vent so here it is...the big secret...I was working on getting pregnant this year. In fact, this December I was going to try to get pregnant. I was scared and excited all at once. Completely natural. With my health up in the air, I decided to throw caution to the wind. I also have to admit that with my health being sketchy, I sorta don't care what happens to me. I've always lived with this unknown, void...Doctors didn't think I'd have much of a life passed the age of 21 so I feel I've been very blessed and I've done so much. Until I got sick a few years ago and life just sorta went on pause.

Back to the baby. I accidently met someone. Someone who surprised me and I almost wrote him off. But something made me give him a chance, to get to know him and see what happens. He was the one who wanted to have a baby real soon. We went from waiting until Spring to December. So while he was away visiting family, I was buying a few essential baby pieces. Then, he returned from his holiday vacation.

I cried for three days. He decided he no longer wanted to have a kid. In fact, he is enjoying being single and doesn't even want to see me anymore. I got this part of the speech ; " I do think very highly of you are awesome in a lot of ways and I like knowing you but...." all he can offer me is friendship right now.

What the hell do I need more friends for? I now have a flippin pile of baby stuff I have to look at daily and I don't know what to do with it...or myself.

I need to sleep. I've been in bed for two days thanx to sleeping pills. I'm over having insomnia. My body has no idea what is going on. Neither does my mind.